


The Hurricane

by joshuaorrizonte



Category: The Arcana (Visual Novel)
Genre: Other, Suicide Attempt, angsty asra
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-25
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:33:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 78,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23842315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/joshuaorrizonte/pseuds/joshuaorrizonte
Summary: When Asra gets wind of the apprentice's illness, he rushes back to Vesuvia, only to find that it's too late. Asra can't see himself living in a world without him.
Relationships: Apprentice/Asra (The Arcana), Asra/Julian Devorak
Comments: 21
Kudos: 62





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by meta posted on tumblr by 8-Bit-Space and leis-main-blog about Asra's state of mind during the plague. 
> 
> Also, how many iterations of Julian/Asra can I write before it gets old... hm...
> 
> Content note for suicidal ideation and an attempt.

Asra stared up at the ceiling, unmoving. He could barely tell the time of day by how the light from outside moved across the room, but he didn't get up. He couldn't. He didn't have it in him.

It had been three days since he returned to Vesuvia to discover Thomas dead. He didn't want to live in a world without him. He'd left in anger, furious that he didn't seem to be taking the crisis as seriously as it deserved to be taken, that he thought himself invincible, impervious to the plague. If he wanted to stay and die, then fine, but he wasn't throwing his life away like that. 

By the time he was on the road, he was remorseful; he didn't _want_ him to die. But he was proud, and was positive that Thomas would see reason and join him. That never happened, and the more Asra thought about it, the more he realized that he'd been wrong. Thomas had said nothing about being invincible, just that he wanted to help and thought that he could, with his abilities. It was a noble thing, not prideful. He wrote home then, asking for his forgiveness. He still wanted him to leave the city, but he understood he had been the one in the wrong in that argument.

He got a letter back from his supervising doctor. Asra's worst fears had been realized. Thomas had the plague.

He had rushed home then, but it was too late. The cuts on his hands from the shards of bone he'd dug through stung and ached. He didn't care. He didn't care about _anything_ anymore, not even his own safety. Muriel was still in the woods, so if he was going to die here, at least he wouldn't die alone. Muriel hated going into the city, but he would if Asra called for him.

Faust nudged his cheek, tongue flicking. _Worried..._

"There's nothing to be worried about, Faust," Asra lied, reaching up to scratch her under her chin. "I'm fine. I'm just... tired. Worn out. I don't have anything left to give."

_Worried!_

He sighed, not responding. There was nothing to say to her. He didn't like lying to her, and honestly didn't have it in him to pretend, to fake it until he made it. It hurt so much...

There was a pounding on the door downstairs, and it startled Asra upright. He sat there, listening intently. He wanted them to go away. The shop wasn't open, hadn't been for months now, ever since Thomas had gone to the palace to help with the cure. Surely there were no customers thinking that the shop was open now. He hadn't announced his presence to his neighbors at all, and he'd arrived home in the dead of night. As far as he knew, only three people knew he was here: the count and countess, and the doctor, and-

"I know you're in there!" came a muffled cry. "Please, I just want to make sure you're alright!"

He recognized that voice. It was the doctor. Sighing, Asra rose and went down the stairs, unlocking the door and yanking it open as the doctor raised his fist to knock again.

"Oh, uh- hi. Hello," the doctor said, seriousness overtaking his surprise. "You, uh, you look like you haven't washed or eaten in days."

Asra debated telling him to go away. "I haven't," he admitted instead.

"That's, uh, that's- that's not good. Can I help you?"

"Can you bring back the dead?"

Much to Asra's surprise, the doctor shook his head slowly. "As much as I wish I could, no, I can't bring him back. I can make sure you don't join him, though."

A sour look crossed Asra's face. "Why do you even _care_ , I'm a complete-"

"I'm a doctor. It's my job to care." 

As much as Asra wanted to slam the door in this man's face, something held him back. He just stared at him, staring back. Finally, the doctor sighed. "Asra, was it? Why don't you get washed and dressed and we can go out for lunch. My treat."

The sheer earnestness in the doctor's voice made Asra's defenses drop away. "I don't want to," he murmured, looking away.

"Then allow me to come in and cook for you."

"I don't have any food- everything was rotten when I got here. Too much time passed since- since he was here last. I had to throw everything out."

The doctor peered at Asra, and he could see the uncertainty in his eyes now. Still, he persisted. "I'll go to the market, then. Just tell me what you want and I'll bring it back." Asra shook his head, opening his mouth to speak, and just how desperate the doctor was finally showed through. "Please. They'd never forgive me if I let you languish to death in their wake. You meant the world to them."

Asra looked away again. "There's a baker in the marketplace who makes the most delicious pumpkin bread. It was- it was his favorite. I don't have any money-"

"That isn't a problem. Is that all you want?" Asra nodded silently and the doctor gave him one last look over. "Go get washed up and changed and I'll be back in an hour."

"I- I don't even remember your name."

"Ilya. Ilya Devorak. Most people call me Julian, easier to pronounce. I'll answer to both, though."

Asra nodded. "Alright, Ilya- I'll wash up and we'll eat pumpkin bread together. Thank you."

Ilya murmured a reply Asra didn't catch, and turned and headed off. Asra closed the door softly, leaning against it. He _was_ hungry, but he was afraid he would throw anything he tried to eat right back up. 

Well, if he was going to throw up, there was no better company than a doctor, he supposed. He trudged back up the stairs to make good on his end of the bargain, splashing cold water over his face and changing out of his sleep clothes. He found that he felt better and didn't like it. He _wanted_ to wallow. He didn't want to feel better. Feeling better was a betrayal of his grief, and he wasn't ready to let go of it. 

But feeling better cleared his mind a little bit. Thomas wouldn't want him to wallow like this. 

_Thomas isn't here, is he?_

The little voice in the back of his mind made him frown. Was he losing his mind now? But no; that was part of him speaking. He wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to live without him. He still had Muriel, but he had burned that bridge pretty good the last time he’d spoken to Muriel, months before his fight with Thomas.

If he regretted anything similarly to his fight with Thomas, it was his fight with Muriel. Muriel had told him that he was spending too much time with Thomas, to the exclusion of everything and everyone else. To the exclusion of him, and that hurt. Muriel didn’t like him, and Asra interpreted that as jealousy. They argued, loudly, and Asra had told Muriel that he was fine with only one friend as a child, he’d be fine with only one as an adult, and regretted the words the moment they were out of his mouth. Muriel was hurt, and left without another word. It was the last time Asra had spoken to him.

He thought about going to the hut, telling Muriel what had happened. But he wasn’t sure Muriel would want to see him.

Asra sat down on the floor, pulled his knees up to his chest, and cried again. He was truly alone now. 

A sharp rap at the door caused Asra to jerk his head up, hastily wiping his tears away. "Coming!" he called, keeping his voice as level as he could, as he stood and went to the door. Julian stood there holding a linen bag. There was silence, briefly, as the doctor peered at Asra, clearly debating bringing up the fact that he'd been crying.

He decided against it. "I got us some other items that looked good. When I told the baker it was for you, he insisted on giving it to me. Do you, uh, do you like tea? You look like a tea person to me, and the baker said he had your favorite tea, so-"

Asra couldn't help a smile. "I am a tea person," he answered, "although I've been told my taste in tea is... strange. If that really is my favorite tea, you may not like it."

Julian smiled as Asra moved aside to let him in. "I'm adventurous in just about every aspect of my life. Food is no different. I'll try everything at least once."

Asra suppressed the urge to smile wider, sadly. "Thomas was like that. Always willing to try something new. No matter what I suggested, he were right there next to me, excited. Until..." He flinched at the thought. "Until I asked him to flee Vesuvia with me."

A solemn silence descended over them. "I don't know how much this is worth, Asra, but he did think the world of you. He eventually told me of that argument and how deeply he regretted driving you away."

"He didn't drive me away. I left all on my own. I shouldn't have. If I'd stayed-"

"If you'd stayed, you may have fallen ill as well. We've- we've had to cremate entire _families_. If one member of the household comes down with the plague, the others follow shortly thereafter. You may have saved your own life by leaving, and that's what he wanted. He told me he was glad you were safe, before- before I sent him to the Lazaret."

"What if I don't want to have been saved?" It was whispered before Asra could think better of voicing such thoughts.

Julian had nothing to say to that. "Come on. Let's get some food in you. You'll feel better once you've eaten, I promise."

Asra believed him as far as he could throw him, and while he was strong, he was short, the doctor towered over him, he wouldn't even be able to _lift_ him. Nonetheless, Asra turned to the door, locked it, and gestured for Julian to follow him up the stairs to the living area.

Julian seemed to be comfortable there. Asra kept his reaction to this observation carefully controlled. They had exchanged letters, and while Thomas had mentioned the doctor- extensively- Asra had been under the impression that their relationship had been purely professional. He wasn't sure how to react if that wasn't the case. He wasn't a jealous person- quite the opposite, in fact. He was in love with them and made no secret of it, but Thomas was his own person who could choose his own bedmates, and he _had_ left them to his own devices. But surely any relationship that had been between them and the doctor would change how _Asra_ was expected to behave towards him. Julian had already said that while he was a stranger to Asra, Asra wasn't a stranger to him. Not quite, anyway. 

He did his best to put his mullings out of his mind as the pair settled around the kitchenette table, Julian keeping up a steady stream of banal chatter, clearly intended to distract him. He refused to be distracted. He _wanted_ to think of him. This was close to the worst pain he'd ever felt in his life, and unlike the pain of losing his parents, he actually _deserved_ this pain. This was his fault. He should have tried harder to convince him to leave; or, barring that, stayed with him. It was his fault that hed died alone. He left him when he needed him the most. 

The fact was that he didn't want to live in a world without him, and he wasn't sure how long he could. He'd never wanted to die, not truly, no matter how bad things got, but this- this was different, somehow. Guilt crushed him like a physical weight as the words ran through his mind, over and over: _this is your fault, this is your fault, this is your fault_...

He almost missed how Julian was watching him as he rattled on. Almost. Could the doctor somehow hear his dark thoughts? It certainly seemed that he could see something that Asra didn't want him to. 

Asra almost startled as Julian abruptly changed the subject. "Thomas mentioned once that you had another friend that didn't like him much. Have you been to see this friend yet?"

Unsure of whether he wanted to answer that question, Asra shifted uncomfortably. "I haven't. I- when I got your letter, I went right here, then to the Lazaret, and back. I haven't left since. I... I'm not sure if that friend would want to see me. Our last conversation was a... disagreement."

Julian made a thoughtful noise. "They discussed that disagreement with me, actually. I-"

"Am I entitled to any privacy at all?" Asra interrupted flatly.

Julian thought harder about his response than Asra thought was necessary. "You were extremely important to him. You were... well, you were their world. Everything he did revolved around curing this plague so _you_ would come back. Someone so important to a person is bound to be a common topic of conversation. I'm sure there was no violation of your privacy intended. But to answer your question, I'm... concerned. As a doctor I would be remiss if I didn't keep an eye on you. Your behavior has been... alarming, so far."

A cynical smile crossed Asra's lips. "Afraid I'll hurt myself, doctor?"

Without missing a beat, Julian somberly replied, "Yes."

The ease of which he said it made Asra uncomfortable. "You don't have to worry," he said after a moment. "I've got no plans to hurt myself at the moment."

"At the moment?"

Asra said nothing, taking a bite of his pumpkin bread. Once he was finished chewing and swallowing, he said, "If they told you about the fight with Muriel then you know that I did irreperable harm to that particular friendship."

Julian shook his head slowly. "I don't know either you or Muriel but Thomas certainly didn't think so. He had hoped that you had just gone to his place when you left, went there looking for you. He said he was worried about you."

That gave him pause. Muriel hadn’t liked Thomas at all, so if he had been willing to talk to him... “I’ll go talk to him,” Asra said finally. “I... Ive regretted how things went with him since it happened. It’ll be good to clear the air... and tell him what happened. He didn’t like Thomas but he never wished him harm. He’ll want to know what... what became of him.”

Julian watched him for a few heartbeats. “Do you mind if I come with you?” he asked finally, failing to mask the anxiety and concern in his voice. “I wouldn’t mind meeting him. He sounded fascinating.”

“He doesn’t do well with new people, but that isn’t why you want to come with, us it?”

Julian sighed. “Yes and no. I normally wouldn’t want to tag along in a complete stranger’s efforts to reconnect with another complete stranger, but you’re giving off _really_ concerning signals. I’d rather not leave you alone.”

Asra suppressed a sigh. He wasn’t a dishonest person. He knew how to lie, was quite good at it, but he didn’t like doing it. His self-esteem was low enough as it was, and he didn’t want to die. Not yet, anyway. He simply wished he didn’t exist. He got the sense that saying that would alarm his new friend even more, though, and simply shook his head. “I’m not going to hurt myself. I promise.”

“Still, I- I want to get to know you. Please.”

Asra nodded tiredly, not having the willpower or strength to continue arguing with him. He’d see on his own that his presence at Muriel’s home wasn’t welcome. And then maybe he’d take the hint about Asra himself. Asra had less use for people than most. He wasn’t as introverted as Muriel, but the fact remained that he was unusually content with very few points of contact. He needed people, he knew, he just didn’t need very many, and he certainly didn’t need this intrusive doctor. But he would play along, for now.

By the time they’d finished the bread, tea, and other delicacies Julian had obtained, Asra had to grudgingly admit that he did feel better. Only marginally, but it was something. “So...” Julian said, casting around for a topic of conversation. “How do you feel?”

“Alright. Tired. I think I want to sleep.”

“Come to the palace with me.”

“Pardon?” Asra’s eyes went wide with surprise. 

“Come to the palace with me,” Julian repeated. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be alone right now.”

Asra blanched. “I- I can’t. The count doesn’t like me very much.”

“That’s not true. Thomas wasn't the only source of information I have on you. The count talks about you with fair frequency- fondly.” He took a deep breath, seeming to debate something with himself. “And any threat he may have been to you before is gone. He's, uh, he's got the plague." 

Asra's eyes widened in shock. He suppressed the urge to exclaim, _Good!_ and instead focused on gathering more information about this. "How much longer does he have?"

"That's, well, that's harder to answer than it should be. He's had it for months now. No one else has had it for this long. He's either on borrowed time or he's not going to die, but either way-" Julian cut himself off with a sigh. "He should be letting us examine _him_ ," he muttered finally. "He has the key to saving all these people, for all we know."

Asra looked away, out the window. "I'm not surprised he's not letting you examine him. He's obscenely selfish." If Julian thought anything about this, he kept quiet. Asra shook his head finally. "I can't go back to the palace. I _can't_. I don't want to ever see him again."

"That's surprising. He never even implied he was on poor terms with you."

"Because he's an idiot," Asra said bluntly.

"I can't argue with that." Asra snickered behind his hand. Julian was still looking at him thoughtfully. "Do you, uh, do you mind if I stay here, then? I really don't want you to be alone."

Asra returned his look. If he was honest, he didn't _want_ to be alone, but could he actually trust this doctor? There had been so few people in his life that he'd been able to trust- would trusting Julian be a mistake? Finally, he nodded. "Alright, fine. Just... don't make me regret it."

"The only way you'll regret it is if you plan to harm yourself."

"Well that's somewhat threatening."

Julian gave him a sheepish smile. "I don't mean for it to be threatening, only that you won't succeed if you do. In the morning, we can go visit your friend in the woods and let him know you're home safe, alright?"

Asra eyed him. "Muriel doesn't do well with strangers."

"I'll keep my distance."

"I don't understand," Asra said. "You don't know me. What difference would it make to you if I-"

"No. You don't know _me_. I meant it when I said that Thomas and Lucio spoke of you, frequently. This may be the first time we've met, but I know you quite well."

"No, you don't." This was grated out through clenched teeth.

"Then I'll just have to get to know you." Julian smiled. "I'll sleep on the floor. I, uh, I don't need blankets or pillows or-"

Asra cut him off by striding to the bed and tossing two pillows at him. "There's extra blankets in that closet," he said as Julian scrambled to catch the pillows, "and the chair is surprisingly comfortable."

"Er, well, alright then. Are we going to bed now?"

"I'm going to bed," Asra replied with a sigh. "Do what you want. Go downstairs and look through the goods or pick out a book to read for all I care. Just let me sleep."

Julian grimaced. “You can’t sleep forever,” he said quietly. Asra said nothing, laying on the bed and pulling the covers up and over his head. Asra closed his eyes, breathing deep, trying to convince Julian that he was asleep. When he heard Julian rise and move softly down the stairs, Asra let out a little sob, pressing his hands to his eyes. He had no intention of making any attempts on his own life. 

But gods, he wanted to. 


	2. Chapter 2

The next thing Asra knew, it was morning. He sat up, bleary-eyed, as sunlight filtered into the room. He knew Julian was still there- his coat was on the plush chair across the room- but Julian himself was nowhere to be seen. “Ilya?” he called out softly. 

After a moment, Asra heard footsteps on the stairs, and Julian appeared in the doorway, carrying a tray with two plates and mugs on top. "I took the liberty of getting some eggs and making up the rest of the tea I got from the baker," Julian said as he entered the room and set the tray on the bed. "Hope you don't mind. How're you feeling?"

"Why are you still here?"

"Because you obviously need someone right now."

Asra suppressed a glare. "I plan to go talk to Muriel today. You have more important things to do than babysit a complete stranger."

Julian looked at his hands. "I can't save anyone who has the plague," he said quietly, "but I can save you."

"I don't need saving."

"How are you feeling?" Julian repeated.

Asra stared at him, then sighed. "Horrible," he muttered. He didn't say anything further; anything he could say that was honest would make Julian _never_ leave him alone again. 

Julian picked up a fork and offered it to Asra. "Well, I'm hungry. I think if you can stomach it, you should eat. You need to keep your strength up."

"I'm not hungry."

"Eating will get me to go away faster."

Asra took the fork, almost snatching it from Julian's hand, and started eating. His stomach growled loudly as he swallowed the first bite, and he felt his cheeks flush with embarassment. Julian had the good graces to act like he hadn't heard it, taking a few bites from his own plate and washing them down with tea. "That is good tea," he said conversationally. "I'm usually a coffee person but I could get used to that."

Asra smiled despite himself. "Thomas couldn't stand it," he said. "He always joked about my tastebuds being dead whenever I drank it."

Julian smiled as well. "He joked similarly with me about the amount of coffee I ingest. One time he forcibly took my mug away while declaring that he was surprised I hadn't started vibrating yet."

"I can see him doing that." Asra continued eating, grinning at the memory. After a moment, he realized he was smiling and immediately a dour look came over his face. He didn't _want_ to smile.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I- it just feels like I'm betraying him by- why am I telling you about this anyway?"

"Because I'm here and you need to talk. When are we going to see your friend?"

Asra couldn't help the glare this time. "I'm telling you it's a bad idea for you to come with," he said firmly. "I'm not going to wander into the woods and try to kill myself. I promise. But Muriel doesn't do well meeting new people, and-"

"Asra, listen to me," Julian said firmly. "I'm positive your friend is going to want to comfort you, not turn you away. But how are you going to react if he _does_ turn you away?"

"If he turns me away, that's my problem to deal with-"

"You don't get it." Julian set his fork down, leaning forward. "I told him I'd watch out for you before he was taken to the lazaret. I failed him once and it cost him his life. I'm not going to risk that failure costing yours as well."

Asra was struck silent. "How did you fail him?"

Julian looked down, grimacing. "I left him alone. He was my apprentice and I barely paid any attention to him. I was so wrapped up in finding a cure that I completely neglected to check in with him, and-" He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, but I am _not_ leaving you to your own devices. Not until I'm sure you're safe."

Julian's admission hit him like a physical blow. "You could've prevented this," he murmured.

"I don't know if I could've prevented it, and now I'll never know."

Asra was suddenly uneasy, upset anew. This doctor who was _harassing_ him could've very well saved Thomas, and he didn't, and now Asra was suffering for it. That knowledge felt like bile in the back of his throat. It was Julian's fault he was having to face the unforgiving world alone now. It was _his fault_...

He shoved those thoughts away. Playing a blame game helped no one, and Asra suspected that even if he told Julian to leave and never come back, he wouldn't listen. "So are you here for me, or for yourself?" Asra bit out.

Julian looked him in the eyes. "I'm here for both of us," he replied evenly. "Thomas... I cared for him. So, so much. It was hard _not_ to care for him."

The corners of Asra's mouth twitched up. "He was like that," he murmured, "always charming everyone around him."

"I want to care for you too, Asra. I just need you to let me. We both lost something precious, and there's been enough heartache in the city. Let me be here for you."

Asra was uncomfortably close to breaking. He didn't like it. "Are you just going to vanish to your studies like you did to Thomas?"

"No. Gods no. I know I was wrong to do that. I don't like making the same mistake over and again, especially when someone dies for it."

Sighing, Asra nodded. "Alright, fine. I'll bring you to meet Muriel, if for no other reason than you can see that I won't be alone. Assuming he forgives me, that is."

"Did Muriel know him?"

"Not well. He didn't like him and never bothered to get to know him." Asra winced. "But he'll be sympathetic. He... he doesn't like people. He's always just wanted to be left alone. But he never wishes ill on people. He cares, he just cares from a distance."

"I see. Well, when are we going to meet, then?"

"Let's go as soon as we're finished breakfast." He took a deep breath, not sure if he meant his next words or not: "Thank you. The thought of facing life without him is... painful. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to do it, but at least I won't have to try to do it alone."

Julian looked at him, concern etched on his face, before nodding. "Thank you. I, uh, I hope the eggs are good. I didn't know how you ususally like them."

"I don't. I usually have pumpkin bread for breakfast."

"Do you eat anything but pumprkin bread?"

"Not if I can help it," Asra chuckled, putting a forkful of egg in his mouth. He looked thoughtfully at Julian as he chewed and swallowed. "Although that's just because my favorite foods are hard to come by."

"What are those?"

"Blue-tongued skink and blue raspberries."

Julian blinked. "Hard to come by is an understatement. How did you get such odd tastes?" Asra grinned and shrugged as he ate his eggs. Julian continued to stare at him thoughtfully, sipping on his tea.

They ate the rest of their breakfast in silence, and when Asra drained his mug and set it down, Julian picked up the tray and turned to leave. "Leave the dishes for later," Asra called. After a second he heard a clattering in the kitchenette and Julian reappeared in the doorway, gathering up his coat. 

"I should, uh, I should let you change-" Julian stuttered.

Asra shrugged and looked in a mirror, running a hand through his fluffy hair and smoothing down his shirt. "It's fine," he said after a moment, eyes downcast. 

"You'll feel better if you-"

"Oh, leave me alone about that," Asra snapped. "I'm going to be just as miserable in clean clothes as I am now." Julian drew back, startled, and Asra sighed. "All I did was sleep. These clothes are fine. Please, let's just go."

"A-Alright," Julian said, still wide-eyed. "After you."

Asra ducked his head as he passed the doctor, feeling terrible for snapping at him like that. Julian, while annoying, had been nothing but kind to him, even after he did his best to drive the doctor away. He wasn't convinced that this was anything but Julian's guilty conscience, that Julian didn't actually care but made a promise to comfort Thomas and didn't want to go back on it. He heard Julian pick up his coat and slip it on as they descended the stairs.

Any goodwill Asra had for Julian was gone by the time they reached the woods. The man talked _incessantly_ when they reached the street, continuing to ramble on even after Asra made it clear that he wasn't listening. He wished Julian would go away, leave him alone. It was what he deserved after abandoning Thomas like he had. As they headed under the canopy, Asra decided to speak up. "I don't understand why you're doing this. I've been nothing but nasty to you this whole time, and-"

"And you're grieving. I can tell you resent me but I don't care. Your behavior has been alarming and I'm not going to leave someone alone who is as grief-stricken as you are."

"Did you ever stop to think that maybe I want to grieve in private?"

Julian looked at him grimly. "I'm sure you do," he said finally. "Right now, anyway."

"What do I have to say to get it through to you?"

Julian stopped, turned to Asra, and reached for his hands. Asra was too surprised to pull away as Julian took them, looking him straight in the eye. "Once I'm certain you're not a danger to yourself, I'll leave you alone and never bother you again, if that's what you want. But I hope that you'll change your mind by the time you're back on your feet. I meant every word of that promise I made Thomas, that I'd be here for you. You meant so much to him, and he wasn't a bad judge of character."

Uncomfortably, Asra pulled his hands away, and Julian released him immediately. "I'm..." He stopped himself short. He was a private person; there had been little reason for him to be open with anyone at all. Thomas had more than earned his trust by the time Asra finally trusted him. But he wasn't a liar. A life without Thomas wasn't a life he wanted to live. He wasn't sure he was at the point where he preferred death. He wasn't about to tell Julian that- then he'd _never_ leave- but nor could he bring himself to say that he would be fine. He would never be fine again.

Julian seemed to sense that Asra was holding back, putting a hand on his shoulder and squeezing. "How much farther is it?"

"About half an hour longer."

Julian turned his gaze to the sky. "We better get a move on, then. It's already mid-afternoon and I do not want to be in the dark, spooky forest after nightfall."

Asra snorted, holding back a laugh, as they started walking again. "There's really nothing threatening in here. I- I used to live out here, with Muriel, until Thomas- until Thomas took me in." He grimaced. "We made protective charms and scattered them all over the path to Muriel's. Don't stray from the path and you'll be fine."

"If you say so." Asra suppressed another laugh as Julian's eyes darted around the woods around them, clearly not trusting Asra's word for it.

Julian resumed his stream of chatter, and Asra tuned him out, not listening, although he found himself enjoying the cadence of Julian's voice. He wished he'd stop talking- it was more than obvious now that Asra had no intention on joining the conversation- but at least his voice was nice to listen to. They finally came to Muriel's hut, half-hidden by the tree it was built around. "Your, uh, your friend lives here?" Julian asked, clearly taken aback by the structure. 

"That he does," Asra replied, striding up to the hut and knocking firmly on the door, feeling uncomfortable. When he'd left to live with Thomas, Muriel had told him that he was always welcome here. After their fight, he wasn't sure that was still true. He hugged himself, suddenly anxious. 

The door opened, and he heard Julian's surprised murmur as Muriel came out, ducking under the doorframe. "Asra?" he said, eyes wide.

"Muriel..."

"What- what are you doing here?"

"I-" Asra swallowed hard. "Thomas is-" The words stuck in his throat. He couldn't say it. Saying it made it real. He just stared up at Muriel, stricken, frantically gulping back tears. 

Muriel didn't need him to finish the sentence. He stepped forward and swept Asra into a crushing embrace. Asra sobbed, clutching Muriel frantically as Muriel murmured to him. Julian watched, feeling like an interloper, but unwilling to leave. He'd meant what he said to Asra about being there for him.

Muriel stroked Asra's hair as he cried, glancing furtively up at Julian a few times. When Asra's sobs subsided, he pulled away, wiping his eyes. "Sorry," he muttered.

"Don't be. Who is that?"

Asra turned to Julian. "This is Doctor Julian Devorak. Thomas was apprenticed to him during the plague. He's been taking care of me." Asra couldn't stop the bitter notes from his voice as he spoke, the sting of knowing that Thomas died because Julian neglected him no better than it had been that morning.

Muriel snorted. "Do you want him around?"

"I- well- yes. He meant something to Thomas and I might not be here if he didn't urge me to come talk to you. Muriel, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have-"

"It's in the past. You don't need to apologize. Especially not now." Muriel hugged him again, eyeing Julian warily. "Do you want to come in and talk?"

Asra stared at him for a second, unsure of how to answer. "I'm not sure there's anything to talk about," he murmured. "Just knowing that you're still my friend- you _are_ still my friend-"

"Yes, Asra. I never stopped being your friend. I said what I did because I was worried about you, that's never changed. I'm just glad you're alright."

"I'm not alright. I never will be alright again. I don't know if I can live without him."

Muriel put his hands on Asra's shoulders and held him at arm's length, looking him in the eye. "You've lived without him all of these months," he said firmly, "and you'll live without him now."

Asra swallowed hard. "I always intended to come back," he whispered. "I always intended to make ammends with him. Now I can't. He died thinking I hated-"

"No, he didn't," Julian interrupted softly. "He knew you were scared, he wondered if he should've gone with you more than once. He talked about how much he _loved_ you-"

"You're a complete stranger," Asra cut him off. "How do I know you're not just saying these things to make me feel better?"

"Well, I, uh- I guess you don't. But they're true. If he didn't talk about you, how would I know to seek you out? If he didn't speak of you fondly why would I _want_ to?" Julian shook his head. "You're not thinking clearly, still, and it will take time, but-"

Muriel's eyes had narrowed at him. "Don't insult him like that," Muriel rumbled.

Julian drew back, surprised. "I, ehrm, I'm not? I'm not thinking entirely clearly right now, either. It wasn't an insult. It was a statement of fact." Julian sighed. "You spoke with Thomas when Asra first left. If he won't listen to me, then maybe hearing it from you will help."

Muriel stared hard at Julian, before turning his attention back to Asra. "He's right," Muriel said, almost grudgingly. "Thomas came to try to find you, make sure you were alright. I had to reassure him that you knew how to take care of yourself more than once."

"I bet you appreciated that," Asra said dryly.

"I was just glad when he left me alone again." He sighed. "I wonder if he only started leaving me alone because he-... but there's no point in ruminating about that. He's gone. But we're not, Asra. You're my only friend. We can remember him together."

With that Muriel pointedly glared at Julian. Julian stuffed his hands in his pockets; he knew when he wasn't wanted. "I'll come see you tomorrow, at your shop," Julian said. "With pumpkin bread."

Despite himself, Asra smiled at him. "I'll never turn down pumpkin bread. Do you need help getting back to the city?"

As Julian shook his head, Muriel interjected, "As long as he stays on the path he should be fine."

"Yes, what your big friend said." Julian looked up at him. "I suppose there's no chance I can come out of this with two friends, instead of one?"

"You don't even have one yet," Asra remarked. Then he winced. "But I'm willing to give it a try. If Thomas talked to you as much as you say he did, you must've been important to him, too. And as you said, he wasn't a bad judge of character."

"Thank you." Julian managed a smile. "I'll see you tomorrow with that pumpkin bread. Take care."

With that, the doctor turned and started walking away. "How long has he been bothering you?" Muriel asked.

Asra turned back to him. "Just since last night. He's worried about me. Apparently he thinks I'm a danger to myself."

"Wasn't it irresponsible of him to leave you, then?"

"That's not fair, Muriel. You weren't exactly welcoming to him."

"He's annoying." 

_You've known him for five minutes_ , Asra thought to himself. He thought better of speaking the words aloud. He managed a smile up at him. "Thank you for not turning me away. I wasn't very kind last time we talked."

"You were upset. I was upset. It was months ago. I'm over it, and I hope you would be over it by now, too." Muriel put a hand on Asra's back, guiding him. "Come on, let's talk. Inanna has missed you, too."


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CONTENT NOTE: SUICIDE

Asra sat on his bed, head in his hands. He had a good, long talk with Muriel, mending the bridge he had burned and even sharing fond memories of Thomas- even Muriel, who hadn't liked him, had good memories of him to share. He had felt better when he got home. 

But that was before the dream, the dream of Thomas with bloody eyes, scarlet veins snaking down his face and up his hands. Of Thomas, who accused him of malevolence, of having seen Thomas’s demise in the cards and abandoning him to save himself.

None of that was true. He had seen disaster in the cards; that was why he’d tried to convince Thomas to leave with him. But if he’d known what would happen...

The tears wouldn’t stop. Asra hugged himself as the sobs tore from his chest, frantic to silence the guilt that ripped at him. He was willing to do anything to silence the voice that told him all of this was his fault.

He was so wrapped up in his grief that he almost didn’t hear the knocking downstairs. Julian! Asra had completely forgotten that the doctor said he’d come by for breakfast! Asra swallowed back the tears and hastily wiped his face with his hands, rising and rushing to the bathroom to splash water on his face. 

By the time he was going down the stairs, the knocking was harder, almost frantic. Asra yanked the door open as Julian was knocking again. “Oh! Good- good morning!” Julian tried to smile. The smile faded as Julian peered into Asra’s face. “You look like you’ve been crying.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you alright?”

“I will be if you drop it.” Despite his harsh words, Asra moved aside to let Julian in. Julian stepped inside and Asra closed the door, then headed up the stairs, gesturing for Julian to follow him. Julian was silent as they ascended the stairs together, and Julian set the bag with their breakfast on the table. “I got that tea you like-lapsang souchong. I was going to get coffee for me but I didn’t know if you could brew it here.”

Asra shook his head, unwrapping the linen package to reveal two hot loaves of pumpkin bread. Asra lifted one to his face, inhaling deeply, as Julian clattered around in the kitchenette, cursing softly. “Sorry,” he said, “but neither of us were big on coffee. Thomas would have it occasionally but not enough to get a press for it.”

“It’s fine. I like that tea enough.” By then he had the kettle on the stove and was examining it. “There were matches here last time-“

Alarm coursed through Asra. “You didn’t actually set a fire last time, did you?”

“I did? How else am I to-“

Fighting down exasperation, Asra cut him off, “Stove salamander, could you light the stove?” Julian almost jumped out of his skin when the stove ignited immediately, sending a belch of hot air out of it. Julian jerked back with a yelp, eyes wide, and all of the exasperation in Asra drained out of him as he laughed. "I'm sure the stove salamander liked having the day off."

"There's, uh, there's a creature in there. There's a _creature_ in there." Julian looked from Asra to the stove and back again. "I could've killed the poor thing!"

"Thankfully, you didn't. Stove salamanders are expensive." Asra stood and came over to the stove. "Go sit down, you look spooked."

"I _am_ spooked." Julian obeyed him, sitting down at the table and watching curiously as Asra set the kettle on the burner that was on and turned to look at Julian while the water boiled. "How did you come by such a creature?" Julian asked.

"I didn't. It was Thomas's aunt's. This used to be her shop, before she left it to him."

"Is it very old, then?"

"I don't know how old it is. Although that's an interesting question. It's magical so it doesn't have the same lifespan as other creatures similar to it- it is much longer lived than ordinary lizards. Although how much longer, I don't know. I should look that up."

"You don't have a lot of experience with magical creatures, then?"

Asra shook his head. "Only my own."

"Your own?"

Asra smiled slightly. "Faust? You've been quiet for a few days. Come meet my new friend." At first, nothing happened. Then movement in the bed caught Julian's eye and his head whipped around to look at the creature emerging from the blankets. A lavender snake poked its head out from under the covers, tongue flicking. Asra's grin grew. "This is Ilya. He's a doctor. Oh, I don't know. We're still getting used to each other- no, I don't think he'd appreciate it if you pranked him. Sorry."

"Are you- _talking_ to it?"

"Her, and yes, I am. She's my familiar." Asra bent as the serpent slithered her way to him, offering her his hand. She wound her way up his arm and across his shoulders, settling around him like a shawl. 

Julian stood and approached cautiously. "May I?" he asked, stretching a hand out.

Asra's eyes slid to Faust for a second before nodding. "She's alright with it." Julian reached under Faust's chin and stroked gently. Faust's tongue flicked out to his hand. "She likes you," Asra said, still grinning. Faust's head swung over to Asra's face, tongue flicking out against his cheek, and the smile slid from his face. "He's... not here. I... don't... I don't know. Away."

Julian watched as Asra's demeanor collapsed into sadness. "Is she asking about Thomas?" he asked softly. Asra nodded, closing his eyes. Julian shifted uncomfortably, and Asra knew why. He had just lied to his familiar. He just couldn't bring himself to say the words. Speaking it out loud seemed like a betrayal, like it would make it _real_ , something Asra wasn't sure he was ready for.

Julian said nothing, though, simply looking away. "Yes, he's sad," Asra said softly. "Because Thomas went away. I'm sad about it, too." He took a shuddering breath. Every day without Thomas was soul-crushing now, and he was never going to be able to speak to him again. He knew Faust could sense his depression, even if he tried to hide it from her. The only person who knew him better than Thomas had was Faust. 

Fortunately, Faust didn't seem particularly eager to dredge up Asra's true feelings, and Asra turned his attention back to Julian. "So, this is Faust," he said, scritching her chin. "She's part of me. A package deal. If we're going to be friends, you have to be friends with her, too."

"I think I can do that." By then, Julian didn't look spooked anymore, and rose to tend to the tea beside Asra. Asra's thoughts darkened as they ate breakfast together, Julian chatting animatedly with him- something about having saved Count Lucio's life on the battlefield. Asra listened in half-interest, until Julian described the amuptation. "Wait- you're the one who took his arm?"

"I am."

"You don't look old enough to have done that."

Julian grinned. "I was eighteen. Precocious. I was the only medic who was still standing and if I didn't take his arm, he'd have died. I wasn't willing to let a patient go on the off-chance that I _would_ be able to help, so I did it. He was angry with me for a good long time. Once he got that fancy golden arm, though-"

"My parents built that arm."

"No kidding!" He leaned forward. "Where are they? Your parents? I would love to meet them. That prosthetic is a work of art."

"They're... not here anymore."

Julian blinked. "Where are they, then?"

"Away. Can you stop asking so many questions?"

Grimacing, Julian nodded. "I apologize."

"It's alright. I just... don't like talking about this. Any of it."

"You know, you might be better served talking about it. I-" Asra glowered at him, cutting him off, and Julian huffed at him. "I'm trying to help!"

"How would you know the first thing about-"

"I lost my family in a shipwreck when I was barely a teenager," Julian snapped. "I _do_ know something about grief! You can let me help you or you can keep shutting me out, it's your decision, but stop needling at me for trying!"

Asra flinched, not expecting that sort of reaction from the mild-mannered doctor. Julian grimaced after a moment. “I apologize,” he said softly. “I’m grieving him, too. I don’t think you acknowledge that. But I didn’t have a right to take my frustration out on you.”

“It’s- well- it’s not alright, but your apology is appreciated. I’m sorry, too. I’m... not used to people treating me with kindness for kindnesses sake. And you're right, I'm- it hasn't really occurred to me that you cared for him, too. I don't think you cared for him enough, but you did care for him. That should mean something." Asra looked away, face flushing in shame. "But it doesn't, and I'm not sure why."

Julian was quiet. Then: "Will you tell me about your parents?"

Asra sighed, still not looking at him. "They died when I was little. They made Lucio's arm and then he killed them for it." Julian gasped, and then began to mutter to himself. Asra looked up to see anger smoothing over to Julian's usual friendly expression. "Ilya?"

"Yes?"

"What did you say?"

"Only that I should've known. Lucio is a horrible person, I just didn't think he was so- I'm sorry. That puts your refusal to see him in a completely new light. An understandable one, at that."

"Oh, the things he did to me don't stop there, but I'm not talking about that with you. Half of it isn't my place to talk about and I'm not proud of the things I did for him."

"Understandable." Julian seemed to debate something in his head, and then: "That all said... perhaps you should consider going to see him. Hear me out," he said, as Asra gave an exasperated gasp. "He is... ill. He has the plague."

Asra blinked in surprise. "Shouldn't you be there, helping him, then?"

"He's not going anywhere anytime soon."

"But the plague kills in days-"

"Would that we would be so lucky that it would kill him in days," Julian cut him off dryly. "He's had it for weeks. But you're right, it _usually_ kills in days, so he's practically on borrowed time now. You might not have much more of a chance to tell him what you think of him."

The thought was sorely tempting to Asra. "If he'd taken action about the plague sooner, Thomas might still be here," Asra muttered darkly.

"Exactly. He only started caring when he couldn't ignore it anymore. And it sounds like you've got a _lot_ to say to the man."

"I do, and it's all better left unsaid."

"I'm not sure that's true," Julian said softly.

Sudden anger surged through Asra. "You think you know better than I do?" he snapped. 

"That's not what I m-"

"I don't care what you meant! I didn't want to discuss any of this with you in the first place! I just found out that he died a week ago and I'm not ready to deal with _people_ and here you are and I can't get rid of you!"

"You want to get rid of me?" Julian's voice was quiet, a stark contrast to Asra's elevated volume. 

"Yes," Asra hissed. "I just want to grieve in peace! Why won't you let me do that?"

"Maybe you're right," Julian said, standing. "I'm staying at the palace at the moment. Come see me when you're feeling more up to socializing." Without waiting for Asra to respond, Julian grabbed his jacket and rushed down the stairs. Asra could see the strain on Julian's face, as if it was taking a supreme effort to keep control of his temper. Asra didn't move as the door to the shop opened and closed, and he was left alone with Faust.

Faust nudged Asra's face. _New friend angry?_

"He's not my friend," Asra grumbled, sitting on the bed and putting his hands to his face, sorely regretting what he had said. But it was too late to take anything back now. 

_Said he was friend. Now not?_

“Don’t you get an attitude with me too, Faust. I don’t think I could handle it. 

_Sorry..._

He sighed. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I did. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be speaking to you like that.”

Faust whispered a reassurance, one Asra cynically blew off. The light of his life had been extinguished, and that conversation with Julian just proved to him that it was his fault. Why was he so standoffish? Julian had just wanted to be his friend, and he drove him away. Just like he’d driven Muriel away, and Thomas, and he was going to be alone for the rest of his life. 

He didn’t want to live a life completely unloved. He wasn’t strong enough to be alone. And he wasn’t going to, if he could help it. His heart was pounding at the thought, but he was just so _done_ with life. He'd had enough. His life had been one tragedy after another and he didn't want to stick around to see even more tragedy. He set Faust on the bed and, ignoring her questions as to where he was going, what he was doing, raced down the stairs to the shop, unlocked the cabinet where they kept poisonous magic components, and began frantically shifting through the glass bottles. His fingers trembled as he reached for the bottle labled "Nightshade Berries". Those were _highly_ toxic, and carefully controlled in who they were sold to. Thomas's aunt had a rule that she had to see a physician's license to even think about selling them, and it was a rule Thomas and Asra had adhered to when the shop passed down to Thomas. Asra couldn't ever remember making a sale, but he did remember wearing gloves to dispose of them and harvest new in the woods, and carefully washing his hands after handling them. He had never tasted them himself, but he heard they weren't entirely unpleasant.

Asra took the bottle and went back upstairs. Faust watched him in concern as he laid down on the bed and unstoppered the bottle. _What?_

"Medicine. It'll... it'll make me feel better."

_What is?_

Asra didn't answer her, simply choosing to dump out a handful and bring them to his lips. He swallowed quickly, although the bitter taste he expected from poison wasn't there; they were actually sweet, and he thought about how their warnings to keep them away from children, while they always made sense, seemed to make more sense now that he knew they tasted like fruit.

He tried to go to sleep then, but his mouth went horribly dry after what felt like only a few minutes, and he got up again to get something to drink. As he opened his eyes, searing pain flashed through his head, and he stumbled over to the window to yank the curtain shut. The relief was short-lived, and he could only think about getting water in hopes that hydrating would take away the horrific headache. He heard Faust's confused, scared questions as he reached the kitchenette and grabbed a glass with trembling hands, but his fingers wouldn't hold it; it fell to the floor and shattered.

His heart was racing now, and he stared at the shards of glass on the floor, baffled. Why was there a broken glass on the floor? How had it gotten there? His mouth was so dry, he couldn't stand it. He got another glass, then set it back down on the counter. That could wait. It felt like his heart was going to pound clean out of his chest. He needed to lie down, but the bed was so far away. Maybe if he just laid down on the floor, away from the glass, everything would be alright. Yes, he would do that.

"-sra? Asra! _Asra!_ "

The voice cut through the confusion and fear. "I-Ilya?" he managed to croak. How long had it been?

"Thank the gods," Julian breathed. He was holding Asra in his lap. "I need to know what you took."

"What I-? I don't- I don't remember, I- I was in bed, and- and- and- and-"

Gently, Julian set his head back on the floor and darted over to the bed. Asra heard him rummaging around the blankets, then a loud curse. There was the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and Asra closed his eyes again, his head swimming. He thought he could hear Thomas's voice, telling him that everything would be alright, and when he opened his eyes again, his mother knelt next to him, brushing his hair back from his forehead. "Mom?" he whispered, reaching for her.

She vanished as Julian appeared next to him again, tipping a vial against his lips. "I need you to drink this," he said in a tight voice. Asra wanted to ask what it was, but Julian wasn't giving him a chance to do so. Whatever it was, it was bitter, and Asra gagged on it. "I know," Julian wheedled, "but you need to drink it. _Please_."

Asra managed a couple more swallows, and the liquid in the vial was gone. Julian then picked him up and dragged him to the bathroom, ignoring Asra's vehement protests at being manhandled like that. Julian draped him over the toilet. "You're going to be sick," he said, a soothing lilt in his voice. "Don't fight it. You need to vomit to get the poison out of you."

"I- I don't- I don't want-"

"I know you don't, but you're going to. We'll get you through this."

Asra weakly pushed back against the toilet, trying to stand. Julian let him, but he was too weak, shaking too violently, and soon a wave of heat swept over him, his stomach cramping terribly. He began sweating profusely, and moments later leaned over the toilet and threw up, violently. Julian stayed by his side, rubbing his back in soothing circles as the poison and whatever Julian had given him was purged from his system.

He slumped against Julian when the heaving stopped, coughing weakly. He wanted to demand to know how Julian even knew to go to him, but he was too weak to do so. He fought to keep conscious, but darkness closed in, swirling in colors in his vision.


	4. Chapter 4

The first thing Asra was aware of was that he wasn't in his own bed. He wasn't even in his own home. He could tell by the smell. 

The second thing was that Faust was nearby. He cautiously cracked his eyes open to see her look up from where she was curled up on his chest. _Asra awake!_ she declared, tongue flicking wildly against his lips. Before he could respond, Faust unwound and slithered down his body and leg. Asra lifted himself up on one arm to see Faust climbing Julian as he dozed in a chair at the foot of the bed, nudging his face frantically. 

Julian's eyes fluttered open, and he stared at Faust for a moment before his gaze shifted to Asra, tense. He relaxed as he saw him. "You're awake. That's good. You really scared me, Asra."

"What- what happened? Where am I?"

"You're in my room at the palace," Julian answered. "As for what happened, I can't be entirely sure, but you seemed to have intentionally injested deadly nightshade berries." He sat forward as Faust moved back to Asra. "You're extremely lucky," he said after a moment. "Your snake found me as I was returning to the palace. I was able to figure out that she wanted me to follow her. I don't know how long passed between you eating those berries and when I arrived, but I'm relatively sure I should've found a corpse. How long was it between taking the berries and my arrival?"

"I- I don't know. Time kind of just lost all meaning." Asra sat up gingerly, wincing and holding his head in his hands. "My head is killing me..."

"You're probably dehydrated. Here, let me get some water for you."

Julian stood and left the room. Asra thought about getting up and sneaking out, but Julian was back in only a few moments. "That was fast. You don't have any water," Asra observed.

"I caught the attention of a servant who agreed to go get it for me," he said, sitting back down. "If you think I'm leaving you alone, you're more addled than I thought."

Asra suppressed a scowl. "You have to let me go at some point. You have work to do, don't you?"

"Nothing that can't wait."

"It's a plague, it can't-"

"I'm not leaving you alone after you attempted suicide almost the moment I left."

Asra opened his mouth to argue further, when Faust's voice in his mind rang out: _Please! Let friend help!_

Asra stopped at stared at Faust, having almost forgotten she was there. "Do you understand what happened?"

_Yes...._

He sighed and stretched out a hand to her. She coiled around his arm, squeezing tightly. "I'm sorry," he murmured to her, stroking her head. Then he looked up. "It must've been less than five minutes after you left," he said softly.

Julian made an interested noise. "Then I defintely should've found a corpse. How did you survive nightshade poisoning that bad?"

"I don't know. I certainly didn't _try_ to survive it." He sighed. "You don't have to worry about me trying again. That was hellish and I'm not going to risk putting myself in that state without a guarantee that it'll work."

"That's not as comforting as you think it is, Asra."

Asra gave a wry, cynical smile, but his response was cut off by a knock on the door. Julian rose and opened it, then took a tray from the servant outside and brought it in. "I asked for some bread as well," he said, setting the tray on the desk. There was a pitcher, two glasses, and a loaf of aromatic bread that made Asra's stomach twist painfully. Whether it was from hunger or aversion to food, he wasn't sure. "It might do you some good to eat something."

"Just water for now, please," Asra said softly. Julian filled one of the glasses and brought it over to him. Asra drained the glass in a few big gulps, and Julian took it back to refill it. "Thank you," he said quietly. "Does- does Lucio know I'm here?"

"Yes," Julian replied immediately, "as does the Countess Nadia. I didn't tell them _why_ you were here, only that I found you collapsed and ill at your shop and brought you back here to monitor you. Nadia has been by a few times to check on your condition; I should tell her you're awake."

"Lucio's wife?" Asra said. "Why would she be interested in me?"

"Nadia isn't like Lucio," Julian replied quietly. "She's a very caring woman. I think you'll like her. Let me go ask a servant to get her." He went to the door again, and Asra heard him call out to someone, then speak quietly to them. 

And then he came back into the room, sitting at the foot of the bed again. "I don't know why you're babysitting me like this," Asra said with a sigh. "I already said that-"

"What you said was that you wouldn't make another attempt on your life unless you were sure you'd succeed," Julian cut him off. "That means you're still a danger to yourself. I'm not going to leave you alone until I'm certain that danger has passed."

Asra scowled. "You'll be babysitting me for a while, then."

"So be it."

The scowl fell away, and Asra scooted back so that he was sitting against the headboard of the bed. Faust wrapped around his shoulders and squeezed comfortingly as they waited in silence. After only a few minutes, there was a knock on the door, and Julian rose to get it. A woman, one of the most beautiful Asra had ever laid eyes on, swept into the room. "It is good to see you awake," she said with a smile. "My name is Nadia. Lucio's told me so much about you I feel like I know you already."

As Nadia dragged another chair over to the bed to sit next to him, Asra grimaced. "I'm not sure you can take Lucio's word for it," he said finally.

"Oh? He speaks rather highly of you."

"Last time we spoke he called me an ungrateful street urchin."

Nadia blinked, drawing back a bit. "He's expressed no such animosity to me, I assure you. Is that why you're so reticent about seeing him?"

"That, and the fact that he hasn't exactly been kind to me over the years."

Nadia looked disturbed. "What has he done to you?"

"I don't like talking about it. Just trust me when I say that I don't particularly want to see him."

"If that is your wish, then I won't force you to. But I will say that he wants to see you, very much. He's been worried about you since Julian told us that he had a guest for the time being."

Nadia couldn't keep the curiosity off her face, but Asra barely knew her. He wasn't about to tell her the nature of his illness. Instead, he simply bowed his head and nodded. "Maybe I'll see him, just to let him know I'm still alive," he said softly. "Ilya says that he's ill with the plague. If that's true, then-"

"It is true."

"- I don't really have anything to fear from him anymore, do I?"

"If you agree to see him, he will not hurt you," Nadia said firmly. "I won't allow it."

"I'm not sure you have any control over it. That tongue of his is pretty sharp."

"I can't dispute that." She sighed. "Ultimately, it's your choice. I don't know how much longer he has- he should be dead by now. This might be your last chance to make your peace with him."

Asra wanted to tell her that would never happen. What Lucio had done to him was unforgivable. But there was no point in dragging her into his dispute with him, and he was just compassionate enough to not want to ruin a dying man's marriage. He realized with a start that, although he didn't know this woman at all, he had no doubt that if he told her that Lucio had murdered his parents in cold blood when he was a child, she would immediately turn on him.

The thought was tempting, but Asra had long had a philosophy of doing as little harm as possible, and that would hurt her, too. He sighed instead, nodding. "I'll see him."

Nadia smiled. "Are you up for going to see him now? It would be a pleasant surprise for him, I think."

Asra looked to Julian, eyebrow raised. "Well, doctor?"

"I'm going with you," Julian said immediately. When a frustrated gasp fell from Asra's lips, Julian leaned forward. "Listen! You're in a fragile state right now, and I know as well as anyone that Lucio is careless with his words at best, cruel when he's at his worst. He's less likely to be nasty to you if there are more witnesses to it."

"I can handle him," Asra protested.

Julian shot Nadia a furtive look, and then said in a low voice, "I beg to differ, given what I discovered when I found you."

"You're never going to let that go, are you?"

"It happened three days ago. I'll let it go when I'm certain it's safe to." Asra didn't say anything further, and Julian continued in a firm voice, "You have only yourself to blame for this, you know."

That got him a withering glare. "Fine, come with. Just be aware that I'm not going to censor myself because you're there."

"I wouldn't expect you to, and neither would Nadia." Then, sitting back, he said, "He's _physically_ well enough to go see Lucio, but I'm pretty sure doing so is going to wipe him out for a while. We should come right back here when they're done."

Nadia's eyes darted between the doctor and patient. "What did you discover when you found him?" she asked, her voice a bit sharper than it had been before.

"It's up to him to disclose that."

Asra had tensed up, and relaxed visibly when the words were out of Julian's mouth. "I'd rather not," he murmured, pulling the blankets off of him and moving to stand. He felt weak, and Julian stood with him, then lunged for him as he swayed on the spot. Asra let him steady him, then gently pulled away. "Thanks."

"Do you need help walking?" 

Asra took a few tentative, small steps, then shook his head. "No, I think I'm alright. Let's get this over with."

Julian and Nadia exchanged looks. "You don't have to if you don't want to," Julian said gently.

Asra shook his head. "No, I want to. Seeing that he's dying might help me get some closure for the hell he put me though." With that, he started walking, leaving Nadia and Julian to follow behind him.

They left the room and headed into the hallway, and Asra led the way. He knew still knew the palace, even though he hadn't been in its halls for years. "You seem to know your way around quite well," Nadia observed.

"I spent a lot of time here before you came to Vesuvia," Asra answered. "I was pretty familiar with it back then. It doesn't look like there have been very many changes since then." He grimaced. "More portraits of Lucio and white animals, though."

"Ah yes. Lucio's portraits. It is an addiction of his I cannot manage to break him of." Nadia's voice was dry as she spoke. "I agree that there are far too many. The man likes the sight of his own face, certainly."

Asra stifled a smile. He liked the countess. He counted himself as a decent judge of character, and as Julian had said- she was nothing like Lucio. He wondered how they had managed to make a marriage work for six years. With a supreme effort on Nadia's part, surely.

They came to Lucio's wing, and it was as cold and stark as Asra remembered it. But one thing stood out to him: "None of the lanterns are lit," he observed quietly.

"No. Light hurts Lucio's eyes. As side-effect of the plague." They came to Lucio's door, and Nadia turned to Asra. "I'm loathe to ask this of you, but he is fragile," she said. "Say what you must to him, but do it with as much compassion as you can manage. I don't know the details of your interactions with him, only that he is fond of you and the feeling isn't mutual, so I understand I may be asking a lot of you with this request."

"I'm not going to be intentionally cruel, if that's what you're worried about," Asra replied, "although I could be as cruel as he has been in the past and he'd shrug it off as if it were nothing."

"That may have been true in the past," Julian said, a knowing lilt in his voice, "but the countess isn't exaggerating Lucio's state. Don't go out of your way to harm him."

"I won't." With a firm nod, Nadia turned to the door and knocked firmly, calling out to him. There was a muffled response that Asra thought was "What do you want?" and Nadia called back, "Asra is awake, and he's here. He's agreed to see you."

"What are you waiting for?! Come in! Come in!"

Nadia opened the door and moved aside for Asra to enter. He did so, Julian and Nadia close behind him. Despite himself, Asra's heart constricted in pity as his gaze fell on Lucio. "Hello, Lucio," he greeted quietly, stiffly.

"Asra! I'm glad to see that you're doing better. Jules wasn't sure you would make it when he brought you here. What happened? You've always been the pinnacle of health."

Asra cast frantically around for how to reply. "Food poisoning," he said finally, ignoring the soft groan Julian gave. "Severe food poisoning."

Lucio snorted. "I'm not surprised, given the things I've seen you eat. Be a little more careful, Asra. I wanted to talk to you when I fell ill but your little friend- what was his name? Timothy?"

Gritting his teeth, Asra replied, "Thomas."

"Ah yes, Thomas. He was working with Jules, wasn't he? Anyway, I had him brought to me and he told me you fled the city. Smart person. Can't fathom why you came back."

Again, Asra grit his teeth. "I came back because I got word that Thomas had the plague. I came back hoping to help, or- or at least say goodbye."

"Mm. Close to him, weren't you?"

"I loved him."

A cynical sneer twisted Lucio's face, but only for a moment. "Yes, well, he died doing what he hoped would help. He's as much a hero as the rest of the doctors who got sick, poor fools." Asra let out an angry hiss under his breath, but otherwise kept hold of his temper. Lucio peered at him, blinking slowly. "So you came back, and discovered him dead already," he said. "Why are you still here?"

"I wasn't planning on staying," Asra replied. It was the truth, although not in the way Lucio would interpret. Behind him, Julian tensed, understanding his meaning. 

"Yet you're here. Might as well make yourself useful, right?" Lucio grinned at him.

Asra blinked. That was an unexpected twist. And then Asra's shoulders slumped as he figured out that Lucio wanted a "favor" from him. "Just like the old days," Asra said with a tight smile. "What do you want, Lucio?"

"I want a new body and I want you to help me get it."

Asra was so surprised he laughed. "I can't do that."

"Yes, you can. You're the most powerful magician I know. You can do anything you-"

"I'm not particularly powerful, number one, and number two, what you're asking is beyond _anyone's_ limits. I-"

"Not if you get others involved."

Asra narrowed his eyes at him. "What _others_?"

"The Arcana."

"Don't be absurd. That's foolish, even for you."

Lucio _tsk'_ d. "Watch yourself," he said mildly. "I'm glad you're alive and well but I'm not so glad that I'll let you talk to me like that. I've never told you any of this, but I'm no stranger to making deals with supernatural beings. If you were to make a deal with one of the Arcana, I know you could do it."

Asra stared at him, ignoring the gasps of his companions. "What deals have you made?"

"None of your concern. All you need to do is make one for me now. But I don't have the skill to contact the Arcana, so you have to do it for me. I'm not asking for much, Asra, I'm just- what's wrong with you all of a sudden? You look like you've just seen a ghost."

Asra blinked several times, taking a deep, shuddering breath as his mind raced. Lucio was right. The Arcana had the power to do as Lucio was requesting. But if they had the power to grant _Lucio_ a new body, then... "Fine," he said after a moment longer. "Fine, I'll do it. But it's going to take some time and planning. I've never done magic of this caliber before."

Lucio gave him a deeply unpleasant smile. "I have faith in you, Asra. Just let me know how I can help and I'll do it. Don't fail me. If you do, I'm taking you with me. Got it?"

"Lucio," Nadia interjected, finally. "You're asking him for a miracle. Don't threaten him like that."

"Oh, relax, Noddy," Lucio whined. "I'm just trying to motivate him. He's lazy. He needs it."

"I don't need the motivation for this," Asra replied, straightening. "I- I need to contact the Arcana, but my deck is at my shop. I need to go back to get it."

"I'll go with you," Julian said immediately.

Asra was too hopeful to resent him, instead simply nodding. "Alright, the company will be nice. I'd like to go now, if it's all the same to everyone else."

"Going now is preferable," Lucio said. "Get the deck and come right back here. I need Jules and he told me you nearly died. I want you somewhere a doctor can reach you easily if you need it."

That _almost_ irritated Asra. "You're only concerned because you know I'm the only magician who will do this for you."

Lucio shook his head. "No- well, that's part of it. I genuinely don't want you to die, Asra. I don't know how to convince you of this, but I care about you. You're like a little brother to me."

Asra gave him a cynical look, but said nothing more on the subject. "We better get going," Asra said. "The sooner we do this, the more likely we'll do it before you die."

Lucio waved a hand dismissively, and Nadia stepped towards the bed. "You two go do what you must. I want to have words with my husband."

Asra and Julian looked at each other. Julian gave a slight shake of his head, then jerked it to the door, and the two left the room, closing the door behind them. The moment it was closed, they could hear Nadia's voice, muffled on the other side. "What's she talking to him about?" Asra asked with wide eyes.

"Probably this insane plan of his," Julian muttered, putting a hand on Asra's shoulder and guiding him away. "Possibly his threat to take you with him. Most likely both. I told you, she's not like him. She won't take kindly to his threats against you."

"I suppose it should be comforting that she's not like him," Asra replied, "although he's her husband. I would think she'd be thrilled at the prospect of saving him."

"It was a political marriage," Julian explained. "I believe they do care for each other, but they aren't in love. It might be in Nadia's best interests for him to die, actually. He's constantly undermining her."

"You don't think she _wants_ him to die."

"She doesn't _want_ anyone to die. I'm just saying, perhaps Vesuvia would fare better under her care than his."

Asra didn't respond, and Julian didn't offer anymore commentary. Asra let his mind wander to this plan, how to tell Julian that he didn't intend to get a body for Lucio at all. 

Well, maybe Julian didn't need to know anything about it. This was going to take time; he could figure out who needed to know when the time came. For now, he had a deck of mystical cards to retrieve.


	5. Chapter 5

The trip to the shop was wholly uneventful. Julian got them a carriage to the shop, and Asra led the way back in. He grimaced as he opened the door without needing to unlock it or dispell a ward, but that was understandable. Julian likely wasn't thinking clearly enough to lock the door behind him, given the circumstances.

The pair entered the shop, Asra leading the way up to the second floor. He grimaced again, seeing the mess of glass in the kitchenette. "I've got to clean that up," he muttered. "How did that happen, anyway?"

"I don't know. You were in the middle of it when I found you, though. I think you passed out holding a glass."

Asra sighed, casting a regretful look at the glass and turning away, back to the bedroom. He went to his bag and rooted around in it, finally pulling out his deck. Then he looked to Julian. "I assume you want me to go back to the palace with you."

"That, or I stay here." Julian shook his head slowly. "I can see that you're not in the same place you were before but I'd rather not gamble with your life. I'm sorry." 

"It's fine," Asra sighed. "I did it to myself, I suppose. Besides, Faust is still in your room. Can I at least have my own room?"

"That can be arranged, I think." Julian smiled at him. "I can't tell you what a relief it is that you seem to be more hopeful. Although I'm surprised at the reason."

"Yes, well..." Asra cast around for some excuse as he stowed the deck back in his back and slipped the bag's strap over his head to rest on his shoulder. "Finding the cure for the plague meant something to Thomas. If I can even save one person..."

"Even with the horrible things you say Lucio did to you?"

"Well, answer me this." Asra stood and started moving to the stairs, and Julian followed. "Was Thomas concerned about Lucio?"

"He was. Immensely."

"Thomas knew what Lucio did to me. I told him everything before we became lovers. Thomas still wanted to save Lucio. The least I can do is honor that."

They made their way down into the street and started walking. "That concern might've had more to do with Lucio's threats than with concern for his wellbeing," Julian said. "We all got the same threats, and I think Thomas took them to heart even though I told him Lucio was only blowing hot air. He seemed the sort to take everything seriously."

"He was, until you got to know him," Asra said wistfully. "He was.... he was like me. He'd been hurt by people a lot, so he kept his feelings to himself." He smiled, tears starting to seep into his voice. "We said 'I love you' at the same time. Both of us were afraid that we were moving too fast."

"How, uh, how did you meet? If it's not too personal."

"We actually met the day the countess came to Vesuvia," Asra said, still smiling, "although we didn't get together for years after. I was poaching his aunt's customers outside of the shop when Nadia's entourage came through and crowded everyone into my space. Thomas was one of those people. His aunt sent him to send me away."

"Did he?"

Asra nodded. "I didn't want to get him in trouble. It was the day of the Masquerade, and I didn't want to be the reason he wasn't permitted to go."

"That was noble of you." Julian smiled back. "Keep talking about him, if you wish. I didn't know him half as well as I wanted to. He was charming, made friends with everyone." Then he winced. "Well, almost everyone. The Courtiers didn't care for him- except for Volta. He gave her sweets often enough that she liked him."

"Volta... I remember her." Asra sighed. "I remember all of them, unfortunately. Volta was the only one who was even remotely tolerable. I'm going to have to interact with them if I'm staying at the palace, aren't I?"

"I can make sure they leave you alone." Julian put a hand on Asra's shoulder and squeezed briefly before pulling away. "And if I can't, then Nadia can. This is temporary, Asra. This is only until I'm certain you're not going to make another attempt on your life."

"Simply telling you that isn't going to do it, is it?"

"I'm afraid not. I shouldn't have left you alone to begin with. If I hadn't- I'm sorry."

Asra shook his head. "You have nothing to apologize for. You did just as I wanted you to. It's no one's fault that I took those nightshade berries but my own. Although I need to tell Muriel I'm staying at the palace."

"Do you want to go now?"

Again, Asra shook his head. "No. If I go now he'll tell me to stay and will put up a fight to get me to stay. He'll say that since you're worried that I'll harm myself, he's the best person to keep an eye on me since he can overpower me easily. I'll write him a letter- if there's a courier who will go out to the woods who I can trust not to read it."

"I'll see to it that the letter is delivered in privacy," Julian reassured him. "Although I think he'll show up at the palace demanding to see you. He seems the overprotective type."

"He will." Asra grimaced. "I'll reassure him that I'm not going to make another attempt on my life. I have something to live for now."

Julian gazed at him cynically. "I'm not sure I believe that at all. You mean to tell me that doing an impossible favor for a man you hate has given your life meaning again?"

"I can't explain it," Asra said, shaking his head. "You'll have to trust me- or not, as the case may be, and I don't blame you. But there's more going on than just Lucio's request. He gave me an idea."

His cynical gaze turned almost fearful. "I am _not_ going to ask," he muttered. "Let's get you set up in a room by mine."

* * *

By the time Julian had him settled in, Asra felt marginally better about the whole ordeal. He would do what he needed to in order to get Julian to trust him and leave him be. He had no idea if this crazy plan would succeed or not, but he had to try. 

But first, he wanted to know why he hadn't died when he should've died four times over. Julian took his leave of him, leaving him in his new room, after checking it over to make sure there was nothing in it that Asra could harm himself with. Asra watched this sweep of his quarters placidly, everything in his world alright, for the moment. "I am going to need some privacy," Asra said, almost apologetically, as Julian finished his search. "I need to contact the Arcana and see who will be willing to lend that kind of magic to Lucio."

"This, uh, this isn't dangerous, is it?"

"It's very dangerous, but I've done it hundreds- thousands of times. I've been doing it since I was a small child. I'll be okay."

"Well- er- very well. Give a shout if you need help. I'll come running."

"I'm sure you will," Asra said dryly. Julian looked uncomfortable, and like he wanted to call Asra on his attitude, but he said nothing, instead just nodding and leaving the room, closing the door behind him. Asra settled on the edge of the bed, taking his bag off and laying it on the bed. He rooted around in it for a moment before finding his deck, and pulled it free of his other things. He sorted through the deck until he found the Magician, and moved everything else onto the floor beside him. Sitting cross-legged on the bed, Asra set the card before him and closed his eyes, reaching out to the Magician's realm. Ordinarily he would go through his gate, but he was afraid that if he went there now, he'd never want to leave.

Reality drained away from him, leaving him in a world of shimmering color and soothing darkness. He felt the wind of the Magician's realm breeze past him, ruffling his curls. He took a deep, albeit unnecessary breath and called out, "Magician! Where are you?"

"I am here, of course," came the answering call, and the Magician materialized before him, head cocked to the side in curiosity. "You are unwell," they observed. "It's almost as if you've been poisoned."

"I was," Asra said uncomfortably. "I did it myself. Thomas- I- I felt so _alone_ , I didn't want to live in a world without him, and-"

"I see." The Magician sighed. "I am glad you didn't succeed, Asra. Your life is precious. No one should end their own lives. Although I fear lasting damage may have been done, if I can sense it in you still."

"I took a lot," Asra replied, looking away. "That's why I'm here, to be honest. One of the reasons I'm here. What I took- it should've been enough to kill me in minutes. Why wasn't it? How am I still alive?"

"It simply may not have been time for you to-"

"No." Asra shook his head. "Ilya- the doctor who found me and helped me purge the poison- said that he believes he should've found a corpse. I took enough nightshade to kill a mammoth. I'm not exaggerating, either. It's not simply because it wasn't my time to die."

The Magician gazed at him shrewdly. "You aren't asking me this with the intention of trying again, are you?"

"No. Things have changed. But I made a committment to do something for a- well, for another, and it's going to involve magic. That's the only thing I can think of that would've kept me alive, magic. I need to know if it's anything that's going to interfere with my ability to carry out this committment."

That seemed to satisfy the Magician. They nodded, stretching a clawed hand out to Asra and laying it on his chest. Warmth flooded Asra, a sense of peace and good will driving away the darkness that had engulfed him days ago. Finally, the Magician's warmth receeded from him, leaving him feeling empty, cold, alone. The Magician, sensing it, gave him a sympathetic look. "It seems that you're protected by a deal made with another Arcana."

"I- what? But I didn't make any-"

"It's not your own. It's someone else's. Someone else made a deal with an Arcana to prevent harm to you. I suppose that includes any harm you might deal to yourself."

Asra's eyes widened. "Wait, so that means that I _can't_ die?"

"Not of unnatural causes, no. It doesn't matter how much nightshade you injest, it won't kill you."

"Who would-"

"That, I can't tell. I can only see the protections on you. As for your question... it shouldn't interfere with any magic you work, so long as you're not using it to harm yourself."

Asra was disgruntled. Death wasn't an option at the moment, but it looked like it never _would_ be an option, even if this plan of his failed. "You seem put-off," the Magician said mildly.

"Who in the world would go so far as to make a deal with an Arcana to keep me safe? The only two people I know who care enough to do that are Thomas and Muriel, and neither of them knows how to make deals with Arcana, aside from the fact that Thomas is dead. His deal should've died with him."

"You're asking questions I can't answer, unfortunately. I can't even tell which Arcana the deal is with."

"It isn't you?"

"It isn't me." The Magician leaned forward slightly, ears twitching. "Well? Will this plan of yours have ill effects against you?"

Asra inhaled deeply, exhaled, and met the Magician's gaze. "No. Not me. But it would've been nice to know I still had a way out if I failed."

The Magician shook his head. "It isn't your deal to break, so that's not an option. I'm sorry, but unless you die of natural causes, you're stuck on this mortal coil." Asra said nothing, looking away, and the Magician changed the subject. "Why don't you tell me about this plan of yours. Perhaps I can help."

"I'm not sure you'll want to," Asra said hesitantly. "Lucio has asked me to petition the Arcana for a new body. He has the plague."

"I see. And you've agreed to help him?"

"I've agreed to help him. I have no intention of doing so."

"Asra-"

"If an Arcana can grant _Lucio_ a new body, then they can grant _Thomas_ a new body."

"You're playing with powers beyond your comprehension." The Magician usually didn't let slip what he thought of any given thing Asra told them. They let their disapproval show now. "Am I right in your implication that you intend to betray Lucio to bring back Thomas?"

Asra steeled himself. He'd avoided thinking about it in that way, to avoid thinking about what it meant. But he wouldn't lie to his mentor. "Yes," he said softly. "If I can get them both bodies then I will do that, but this is more magic than a mortal is capable of handling. The Arcana aren't all-powerful. If this is even possible, I expect that any given Arcana will have the power to grant only one body. If it's between Lucio and Thomas, I'm chosing Thomas. There's no competition here."

The Magician shook their head. "I'm not going to interfere or try to talk you out of this. I will tell you that the only one of the Arcana who will tolerate that kind of treachery is the Devil. And he will exact payment for such an impossible request. You may not want to pay the price he'll ask."

"Do you know what that price is?"

"I do not. All I know is that it will be steep. Think long and hard about this, Asra, please. Think about what you may be asked to give up. Think about whether or not you want to mark yourself as a traitor. No one needs know of your betrayal unless you tell them, but you're an honorable person. Will you be able to live with yourself if you do this, and Lucio dies for it?"

"Absolutely," Asra answered immediately, bluntly. "Do you know how long I wanted to murder him outright when he told me what he did to my parents?"

"I remember possibly better than you do. You were nearly beyond reason. Nearly. Are you still so homicidal that you-"

"I'm not. I already said I would try to get him a body, too." He took a deep breath. "Do you know how to contact the Devil?"

The Magician's shoulders slumped, as if in defeat. "He can be contacted much the same way I can. If you are intent on this course of action, please be careful. Don't try to do this alone. You'll need all the help you can get. I know you're a private person, but you _need_ other people's strength to do this."

"I'll cross that bridge when I come to it," Asra said softly. "Thank you, Magician. You've never steered me wrong in all the years you've been guiding me."

"I only pray that neither of us regrets my honesty today. Good luck, Asra."

"Thank you." Asra closed his eyes, seeking the way out of the realm. The world spun slightly, and Asra took a deep breath as his eyes slid open. That was a productive visit. He could tell Julian that he was safe, no matter how much he wanted to die, in any event. He wasn't ready to take the next step he needed to do, so he got up and went to the door, opened it, and peered up and down the hallway. No one was there. He knew Julian's room was right next to his, by design, and so he went up to the door and knocked.

The door yanked open almost immediately. "Asra. Are you, uh, are you alright?"

"I'm fine. Can I come in?"

"Er- yes, certainly." Julian moved aside and Asra ducked into the room, his curiosity getting the better of him as his gaze flicked around the room. Julian kept his room sparsely decorated, almost an entire wall dedicated to a bookshelf crammed with books. The shelves that weren't laden with texts had little knicknacks, some of them familiar to Asra. One bottle in particular caught his eye. "Nevivon balth salts?" he asked, turning to Julian as Julian closed the door behind them.

Julian's eyes widened, and then crinkled with his smile. “You’re familiar with Nevivon, are you?”

“I’ve visited a few times.”

“I grew up there. My younger sister still lives there, as far as I know. I haven’t seen her since she was very small.”

“Why not write to her?”

He winced. “I left in the dead of night so I wouldn’t have to say goodbye, and then as soon as I arrived at my destination I was thrown into helping with war wounded and just... I never got around to it. I’m not sure she would welcome hearing from me anymore. She’s better off without me.”

“I’m sure that’s not true,” Asra said softly. 

Julian looked at him thoughtfully. “I apologize. I didn’t mean to get personal. How’re you feeling?”

“Well, I know why I didn’t die.”

“Oh?”

“How much do you know of magic?”

Julian made a face. “Enough to know that I don’t trust it.”

That sparked his curiosity. “Thomas was a magician, and a pretty powerful one at that. To hear you talk of him, you ended up pretty close to him.”

Julian seemed to chose his words carefully. “Part of the reason we ended up so close was because he respected my aversion to magic and kept his magical research away from me, when he could- and gave me fair warning when he couldn’t. I don’t know enough about magic to know how talented a magician he was, but he’d have made a very fine doctor, had we been given the time.”

Asra mulled Julian’s words over for a moment. “Well, back to the topic at hand, the reason I survived that poisoning was magic. Someone- I don’t know who- made a deal with one of the Arcana for my safety.”

“Meaning?”

“Meaning unless it happens of natural causes, I can’t die.”

“Fascinating.” Julian peered at him. “Thomas suspected the red plague is magical in origin. I wonder if this means you’re impervious to it. And if you are, I wonder if there’s a way to access the magic protecting you-“

“I don’t know if I’m impervious to it,” Asra cut him off. “But if I am, the magic protecting me is well beyond any one magician’s capabilities. Making deals with the Arcana requires an immense amount of magic, and generally an incredible sacrifice. I don’t know which Arcana is protecting me, but I shudder to think of what they would demand in return for shielding the entire city from a magical plague. Magicians who attempt such a thing may not even survive it themselves- rendering the entire thing pointless, as a magician’s deal with an Arcana dies with them.”

“Well, that idea is right out, then.” Julian sighed. “To your probable point, though, I needn’t worry about your safety if you’re protected from harm in this way, do I?”

“Exactly. There’s no point to me being here, if I’m only here so you can make sure I don’t hurt myself. I don’t particularly enjoy pain, especially if I know it’s pointless.”

Julian paused, thinking carefully about his next words. “That is a point, but I think I’d rather not rely on, ‘I wish I could but I can’t so I won’t.’ You need to be around people right now, Asra. Let me be here for you.”

Asra grimaced. “Very well, I’ll stay,” he said finally. “It might do me some good to help with the plague research, anyway. If Thomas was right and it’s magical, I might be able to help.”

“Any help you can offer would be greatly appreciated.” Julian gave him a hesitant smile, then- “Were you able to ask about Lucio’s request?”

“I was. I know my next step. It’s going to be unpleasant and I’m not ready to take it yet. I figure now would be a good time for me to write to Muriel, if you could have a courier ready- it’ll be short.”

“Yes, of course. I’ll go ask Nadia to recommend someone while you write.”

“Thanks, Ilya.” Asra gave him a small, almost genuine smile, and went back to his room.


	6. Chapter 6

_Muriel,_

_I’m sorry. You deserve the truth. I came to make amends with you in part because I didn’t want to die with bad feelings between us. The day after we spoke, I made an attempt on my life. I failed, obviously, but Ilya- the man I was with when I came to see you- found me. I would say that he saved my life, but as it turns out, I’m protected from harm by a deal with an Arcana. I was never in any real danger._

_I’m writing to you from the palace. Ilya insisted that I remain here for my own safety- even though we know I’m no danger to myself now. And to be honest, this might be for the best. Ilya tells me that Thomas thought the plague to be magical in nature. If it is, I can help- and Lucio’s asked my assistance with a rather incredible magical task. I have my own plans now, as well. So I’ll be here for a while, if you want to see me._

_Again, I’m sorry, for everything. Forgive me._

_Asra_

* * *

Nadia sat with Asra in a parlor, sipping tea. She seemed to be expecting something from him, but was unwilling to divulge what. It was driving Asra mad. What could Lucio’s wife possibly want with him?

Awkwardly, he sipped his tea as well, trying to think of something to break the silence with. He almost started as Nadia spoke. “How are you feeling?”

“Starting to feel better, physically.”

“Mm. Julian told me it was a deeply close call, when he brought you here.”

“It wasn’t. I was never in any danger- although neither of us knew that at the time.”

“Oh?” 

He simply sipped his tea some more. Nadia seemed amused by his reticence, her eyes never losing their fascinated shimmer as she looked at him. 

Much to his relief, she didn’t press him. “I do hope you’re enjoying your stay here. If there is anything we can do to make you more comfortable-“

“Why are you being so nice to me? You barely know me, and I’m a nobody.”

Delicately, Nadia set her teacup and saucer down on the table. “You are not ‘nobody,’” she said, firm but gentle. “I’m sure Julian has told you this but you were Thomas’s world, and we all loved Thomas dearly. And I would like to know the person my husband has staked all of his hope on. And so I will reiterate: I want you to be comfortable here.”

Asra felt the tears threaten his composure at the mention of Thomas. He instead changed the subject. “I haven’t yet made contact with the Arcana who I’ll have to work with to do this for Lucio. I’m not looking forward to it, to be honest, for a few reasons.”

“And what reasons are those?”

He took a deep breath. “Can I trust you?”

“I would like to think you can, yes. I understand if you don’t, but I am willing to help you in any way you need.”

“I’m going to need you to keep this to yourself. Tell no one. Especially Lucio.”

Nadia’s gaze turned shrewd. “Lucio has told me that _you_ cannot be trusted. Are you about to prove his words true?”

Asra immediately snapped his mouth shut. “Then I’d rather not discuss it.”

“You should know something.” Asra looked at her suspiciously, but her expression was still open, honest. “That is, I know something of the magic he wants of you. If you are genuine in your desire to help him obtain a new body, we’re at cross purposes and I will interfere with your efforts however I can.”

Asra stared at her, taken entirely by surprise by this declaration. Then he chuckled, putting down his cup, leaning forward, and dropping his voice. “Then this doesn’t leave the room. Lucio isn’t getting a new body from this unless a miracle happens.”

“Oh? I take it from your phrasing that you will proceed with the magic, just-“

And then her eyes widened, and a sly smile crossed her lips. “You wouldn’t.”

“I wouldn’t what?”

“You intend to resurrect Thomas instead, don’t you?”

“I’m impressed. A non-magician normally wouldn’t be able to extrapolate that.”

“You implied you are still going to work this magic. If not for Lucio, then who could you want to work it for?”

“I see. So I have your blessing in this?”

“Yes. I do not wish for Lucio to die, but he is a curse on this city. We shall all be better off with him gone.”

Asra gazed at her appraisingly. “Alright, as soon as I know how you can help, I-“

He was cut off by a commotion outside, and then a guard burst into the room. “My apologies, my lady,” the guard puffed, “but there is a man here- a rather large man, and he’s insisted on seeing your guest. We couldn’t stop-“

“Asra!”

Asra stood as Muriel shoved past the guard. Muriel’s panicked gaze fell on Asra and his shoulders slumped in relief. “Why?”

“Everything felt so hopeless,” Asra replied, his voice weak. He expected this reaction from Muriel, but now that he was here...

Muriel strode forward and took Asra’s face in his hands, forcing Asra to look up at him. “Never again,” Muriel said. There was no anger in his voice, only fear. "No matter how hopeless things seem. Promise me you won't do that again."

"I promise," Asra said immediately. "I need to talk to you about it, actually. Countess, I need to go to my shop to gather some things in anticipation of this ritual. May I go?"

Nadia gazed at him appraisingly. "Will you be fine on your own coming back? Doctor Devorak is pleased with your progress, but-"

"I'll be fine, I promise."

"Very well. Let me know when you're back. I wish to finish this conversation. Take care."

Asra gestured for Muriel to lead the way out of the room, and followed him, leaving the guards behind. He heard Nadia talking to them, but already couldn't make out what was being said. "You didn't have to come for me," Asra said quietly.

Muriel glanced at him. "After what you wrote to me, you think I wouldn't? I was never even angry with you. I thought you didn't want _me_ around. Now that I know better, I-" he sighed. "We need to talk about you being here."

"I'm not sure what there is to talk about."

"When we get to the shop."

Asra fell silent, falling into step beside Muriel as they walked through the city, back to the shop. When the door closed behind them, Muriel turned to Asra. "I don't like you being so close to Lucio."

"I don't like being close to Lucio, either, but I don't have much of a choice. Ilya wants to keep an eye on me, and I can't blame him."

"I can do that. You can come back to the hut, and-"

"You don't understand."

"You don't have to do _anything_ for Lucio," Muriel said firmly. "There's no reason for you to be there. You don't owe any of them _anything_."

"It's not that simple, Muriel. I don't plan to help Lucio with anything. I'm using his resources for my own ends."

"And what are your own ends?"

Asra took a deep breath. He knew that Muriel would disapprove of his actions, and disapprove of them hard, but Muriel had a right to know, if he wanted to be friends with him again. "Lucio is planning to ask an Arcana to grant him a new body. If the Arcana can grant _Lucio_ a new body, then-"

"Asra, no."

"-they can grant _Thomas_ a new body."

"This is foolish! Asra-"

"You don't understand, Muriel," Asra said, wringing his hands. "Losing him... that's what drove me to try to take my own life. Now that I know I _can't_ die, I _need_ to bring him back. I can't live in a world without him. I _can't_. Please understand."

"I understand that you're messing with powers no person should. The dead are meant to stay that way, Asra."

"It wasn't fair," Asra insisted. "I just- I need you to support me or stay out of my way, Muriel. Please, _please_ support me, but either way understand that this is something I _have to do_. I don't have a choice. You want me to get a new body for _Lucio_ when I could bring _Thomas_ back instead?"

"I don't want you to get a new body for anybody." Muriel stared down at Asra, looking up at him earnestly, almost frantically, and then sighed. "But if I can't talk you out of it, then I'll support you. Just tell me how I can help."

Asra's shoulders slumped in relief. "Thank you. I know you didn't like him, but-"

"If you think that's why I don't like this, then..." Muriel's voice trailed off. "I didn't want him dead, Asra. I'm not happy that he is. Especially not with the state it put you in. If this is what you need to help you, then I'll do it. I'd... do anything."

Smiling, Asra took Muriel's hand and looked up into his eyes. "I'd do anything for you, too."

"Abandon this plan."

"Anything but that," Asra sighed, dropping his hand and turning away. "I did agree to help find a cure for the plague. I really did need to come here to gather ingredients for magic, and-"

Muriel interrupted, "I really don't want you to go back to the palace. Do what you need to, only do it away from Lucio."

Asra turned back to him, bottle of herbs in his hand. "I'm not afraid of him. Maybe once he was dangerous, but he's sick and bedridden now. What's he going to do, throw his medicine at me?"

"And when he rips out your heart?"

"He's got to catch me first. I'll be fine, Muriel, I promise."

Muriel stared at him for a moment longer, then turned and squeezed out the door, calling over his shoulder, "I'll wait out here for you."

Asra watched him go, feeling badly that Muriel was at such odds with him so soon after their reconciliation. "Sorry, Muriel," he murmured, "but some things you can't run from."

With that, he turned to the shelves and started rummaging around them again. He was aware that some of the herbs they sold could be used for medicinal purposes as well as magical; those were a good starting point, he reasoned. He needed to see Julian's notes to see what had already been tried, but he doubted there had been much magic involved since Thomas's death. There weren't very many true magicians in Vesuvia. Of course, magic was a resource all people had access to, whether they had a talent for using it or not. But most people _didn't_ have a talent for it; they could perform parlor tricks and little else. It was a point of pride for Asra, that he stood out so much in terms of magic. It was the only thing about him that made him notable, otherwise he would be just like everyone else. He didn't think himself _better_ than anyone else, but having a talent few had was nice. 

He put his prizes in his bag and left again. Muriel was waiting for him, as promised, and Asra locked and warded the door behind him. Muriel walked beside him in silence for several blocks as they made their way to the town square, where they could catch a carriage back to the palace. When they were piled into a carriage, Muriel said hesitantly, "I want to stay at the palace too."

Asra stared at him, dumbfounded. "You can't be serious," he murmured. "So close to Lucio? Do you really want to do that?"

"Until... until the doctor says you're okay to leave."

"Muriel, I _can't die_. There's no point to keeping me at the palace to begin with. When have you known me to attempt the impossible?"

"You're attempting the impossible now."

That shut Asra up. "Yes, well... well. I can't resurrect him if I'm dead too, can I?"

A slight smile came to Muriel's face. "I... want to help."

"You want to help." Asra's voice was flat, disbelieving.

"Yes. I want to help."

"You _hated_ Thomas."

"I didn't want him dead. And I don't want you to feel like you're better off dead without him. If this is what you must do to want to live again, then I'm there. Just tell me how I can help."

Asra peered at him for a few moments longer before matching Muriel's smile with his own. "Thank you, Muri. We'll need to ask the countess-"

"Not Lucio?"

"Lucio isn't calling the shots anymore," Asra said firmly. "Nadia is. And she's nothing like Lucio. I can't fathom why she married him but now I'm glad she did. I don't know what exactly we're going to tell her about you being there, but I'm pretty sure if I say I want you there because you're my best friend, Ilya will back me up."

"Do... do they know why this doctor wants you at the palace?"

Asra shook his head. "Ilya only told them that he found me unconscious and extremely ill. He's the only one who knows the circumstances of that illness- unless our conversation in front of the countess let her put two and two together. She's an intelligent woman. She may have figured out that my illness was self-inflicted."

"Will that change how she treats you?"

"I don't know. I don't know her well enough to know that. but I suppose we'll see. I don't plan to tell her if she hasn't figured it out herself. And I am _not_ telling Lucio."

"That's a good idea." Muriel looked out of the carriage window, his gaze distant.

Asra watched him for a number of moments before breaking the silence again. "Is Inanna going to be alright without you there?"

"Inanna can take care of herself. She'll be fine."

"Good." Asra sighed and leaned back on the seat, tilting his head back and closing his eyes. "The Magician said he still sensed the poison in me and I believe it. I feel awful."

"Is there nothing this Ilya can do for you?"

"I haven't asked. I don't quite trust him yet. I'll be alright, I just... need time for the poison to work its way out of my system, I guess." He sighed again, then straightened as they came to the palace. "This is our stop. Hopefully we won't be here for very long, but it depends entirely on whether or not Ilya trusts me not to hurt myself."

"It's... annoying... but it's for the best. But..."

Asra waited for him to finish his sentence. He didn't. "But?" Asra prompted quietly.

"But are you sure you'd rather be at the palace than with me at the hut? I can keep an eye on you just as well as the doctor can."

"As I said before... the palace has resources I need. I'll be careful, Muriel, I promise. And I'll keep Lucio away from you. Not that you'll have to see Lucio unless you want to."

"I don't want to."

"I expected as much, but you might want to talk to him. He can't hurt you anymore, Muriel. You can tell him what he did to you and-"

"He can hurt me still. I don't want to talk out what he did to me. I'm going to be there for you and no other reason. I don't even want to interact with the doctor."

"I can't promise you that," Asra said softly, "but I'll make sure he knows you don't want to be approached."

"Thank you."

Their conversation done, Asra thanked the carriage driver for his patience as they disembarked. The guards, seeing Asra, let them through with a nod and a smile, and Asra led Muriel through the halls to Julian's room, and knocked firmly. There was the sound of scrambling from inside the room, and the door yanked open to reveal a slightly disheveled Julian. "Oh, uh, Asra. You're back. And your friend is here, too."

Asra resisted the urge to roll his eyes at the way Julian stated the obvious. "I need a favor, Ilya."

"Name it. If I can do it, it's yours."

_Stop treating me with kid gloves._ The thought passed through his head and out of it as he smiled blankly. "Muriel wants to stay at the palace too. To support me. I'd like that, too. We grew up looking out for each other."

Julian looked Muriel over for a moment. Asra felt Muriel tense beside him, but Julian simply nodded. "I think that can be arranged. I... have a lot of clout with the countess, but she may want to know _why_ having Muriel here is so important. May I explain the situation to her?"

That made Asra uncomfortable. "Only if she can be trusted not to tell Lucio."

"She won't tell Lucio," Julian said firmly, conviction solid in his voice. "Do you want to be there?"

"Yes. In fact, I think I want to tell her. Is she available?"

"She will be for you. Shall I get your friend settled in while you go explain the situation to her?"

Asra looked up at Muriel, who shrugged, and then Asra nodded. "That sounds good. I'll be right back, Muriel." 

"Be careful." Muriel put a hand on Asra's shoulder and squeezed before releasing him, and Asra turned and started heading through the halls of the palace.

He found her still in the parlor he had left her in. "My lady?" he asked quietly, poking his head into the room. Nadia looked up at him. "Can we talk?"

"Certainly." She gestured to the seat he had been using. "What's on your mind?"

"I think it's time I told you the truth. About why Julian wants me here. And I have a request because of it."

"I'm listening."

Asra steeled himself, and then explained everything. His relationship with Thomas, the sheer hopelessness that had overcome him when he discovered Thomas's death, the attempt on his life. Discovering that he couldn't die but for natural causes. When he had finished, Nadia sat back, exhaling slowly. "Are you a danger to yourself now?"

"No. I've never been one to act futilely and you know what I have planned. But all this means that I need two things from you. First, that this stays away from Lucio. I don't want him knowing I tried to kill myself."

"Then he shall not. What is the second thing?"

"I have a friend. I grew up with him."

"The gentleman who burst in here this morning?" Nadia asked, arching an eyebrow. 

Asra nodded. "Yes. I told him, that's why he burst in here. He wanted to make sure I was alright. I'm not alright... so if I want to stay at the palace, he wants to be here at the palace, too, in case I need him."

"That isn't a problem."

"Lucio shouldn't know about him, either."

A sly grin spread on Nadia's face. "You don't want Lucio to know _anything_ , do you?"

"I don't," Asra replied bluntly. "If I had my way, he wouldn't even know that _I'm_ here. It's too late for that, but the least I can do for Muriel is protect him from Lucio."

The grin faded from Nadia's face. "What did he _do_ to you two? I know he's not a good person, but your hatred of him seems personal."

"I don't _hate_ him. I know what he's capable of. What he used to be capable of, anyway. He did things to Muriel and I that I'd rather not go into, but suffice it to say that he ruined Muriel's life and isn't even sorry for it."

Nadia's gaze bored into him. "And your life? You said he did things to you, too."

"It wasn't as bad as what he did to Muriel. And what he did to Muriel isn't mine to disclose."

"Tell me what he did to you." 

Asra looked away, swallowing hard. "He made me do things. He called me his magician. There were a few poisons in his requests of me. I never asked him what he used them for, but I get the feeling it wasn't for pest control. And when I told him that I refused to do it anymore, that I didn't believe he'd have Muriel executed if I refused him-" here Nadia's eyes widened in shock- "he told me he had my parents executed so many years ago, that it was nothing to him to execute Muriel too." 

Nadia cursed softly in Prakran. "I'm sorry, Asra- I had no idea he was capable of such evil."

"Does my aversion to him make sense now?"

"Not quite. You say you don't hate him. I can't fathom how you can _not_."

"I don't. My parents always told me that hatred was never the answer. I don’t like him and I’ll never forgive him, but he isn’t worth the energy to hate.”

“I see.” Nadia sighed. "I can promise you that his days of terrorizing you are over. Even if he survives this illness, I am here to keep him in check. He hasn't done such things since I've been here, has he?"

Asra thought about it for a moment. "You've been here what, six years?"

"About that, yes."

"I think he was still doing it for a bit after you came here. But I remember your wedding- I was in the crowd that day- and he hasn't bothered either of us since then."

"It is good to know I've been a positive influence on him in some way." She hesitated, then asked, "Have you established what you need to do in order to work the magic that Lucio has asked of you?"

"Not yet. I plan on doing that tonight."

"Do you need anything from me?"

Asra shook his head. "No, I've contacted the Arcana hundreds- possibly thousands of times. I know what I'm doing. It will help if you can ensure that I'm not disturbed tonight."

"I think that can be arranged. Good luck, Asra." She smiled at him. "Now that the heavy business is dealt with- tell me about yourself. I wish to know you better."

With a smile, Asra nodded. "Only if you talk about yourself, too."

"Indeed. Tea?"

"Yes, please. Thank you."


	7. Chapter 7

Asra and Nadia talked for hours, broken only by a servant coming by to tell Nadia that Lucio wanted to see her, and Julian coming by to see how Asra was doing. Nadia was back by then, and invited the doctor to join in their conversation. That made Asra uncomfortable, but only for a moment. It was Nadia's palace, she could do what she wanted, and now that Asra had found purpose in his life again, Julian's presence wasn't nearly as grating to him as it had been when they first met. Indeed, Asra found that he _enjoyed_ Julian's presence, after another hour of talking with him and Nadia. 

They talked well into the night. As the lanterns burned low, Asra supressed a yawn and stood. "If I'm going to contact this Arcana tonight, I better do it soon," he said. 

"Uh, what? Contact another one, or the one you spoke with before?" Julian asked, eyebrows raised. 

"Another one. The one who I hope will help me get a new body for Lucio." Asra couldn't help a glance at Nadia, who showed nothing of what she thought of Asra's deception. "The one I contacted to find out why I didn't die won't help with this. It's just not in their nature."

"Out of curiosity, what Arcana are you going to contact?" Nadia asked curiously.

"The Devil."

Julian sucked in a breath. "I don't think anything good can come of contacting a being known as the Devil."

"Normally I'd agree with you," Asra said, "but the Magician said he's the only one who would be willing to offer this kind of magic- and it'll come at a price. I have to explain the situation to him and find out what price he's going to ask of me."

With raised eyebrows, Julian asked, "Of you? Isn't Lucio the one who-"

"I'm the one working the magic," Asra cut him off. "He'll likely want to extract the price from me. Believe me, I'm going to ask that Lucio be the one he takes his price from, but I need to be prepared for it to be me."

"Well, alright," Julian said, sounding doubtful. "You know where I am if you need anything."

"Thanks, Ilya." Asra smiled at him again, "Have a good night, you two."

The pair said their goodnights and Asra took his leave of them, torn between hope and despair. The Magician hadn’t said what Asra was asking was impossible, but he had no doubt the cost would be steep. Lucio wouldn’t be the one to pay the price, Asra would- assuming, as Asra did, that the Devil was only willing or able to grant a single body. 

Asra came to his room and closed the door behind him, and took a deep, cleansing breath. He couldn’t show this being any fear. He had never dealt with the Devil before, but he knew what he was like, from the tarot book Asra’s parents made him, so long ago. The book had been lost long ago, but Asra read it so many times, he knew it by heart. It had been his one comfort in the aftermath of his parents’ disappearance. 

He settled on the bed, tucking his legs underneath him. “Faust?” he called out softly. 

_Here!_ Faust popped up from beneath his pillows. _Asra okay?_

“I’m fine. Can you do me a favor?”

_Yes!_

“Keep a watch for me, and if Julian comes by, try to stop him from interrupting me.”

_Yes!_ With that, Faust climbed up Asra’s arm and settled around his shoulders. When Faust was still, Asra picked up his deck and shuffled through it until he found the Devil. As he had done with the Magician, Asra focused on the card, closing his eyes and stretching out his magical senses, probing for the way to the Arcana’s realm. 

In seconds, he felt a being answer his call, curious and amused. He felt something drawing him down, deeper into his consciousness, and he went willingly. A rush of hot air gusted past him, and he opened his eyes to a dark throne room, and sitting on the throne, dark amusement in his crimson eyes, was the Devil. 

They stared at each other for a few tense moments, when the Devil spoke. “Well? I know you didn’t come here to stare at me. What can I do for you, hm?”

Suddenly, Asra’s mouth was dry, his heart beating a wild rhythm in his chest. The Devil waited patiently for Asra to find his voice. “My name is Asra, and-“

“I know who you are. I can take a guess as to why you’re here, but I’d rather not. Tell me, what can I do for you?”

Asra took a deep, shuddering breath. “It’s... complicated. The count of Vesuvia, Lucio-“

“I know him as well. Very well.”

Setting the Devil with an odd look, Asra continued, “He’s dying of the plague and wants me to bargain with you for a new body. But-“

“No.”

Asra blinked. “What? Why?”

“I’ve had my own dealings with Lucio.” The Devil sounded bored. “Lucio is well aware that if he comes to me himself, I will demand payment for those dealings, so the coward sent you in his stead. Until he makes good on our previous deals, I won’t lift a finger to help him.”

Asra’s mind raced. Lucio was no magician. How in the world had he made a deal with an Arcana, let alone multiple deals? “Well, that simplifies matters a bit. I lost someone dear to me to the plague. I want him back. Will you deal with me?”

The Devil’s mouth twitched upward in a smile. “Now we come to the interesting part. I will help you, Asra. But I can’t do such a miraculous thing alone. Give me three days, and return here. I will know if I can help you then.”

Asra’s shoulders slumped in relief. “Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me yet. There is a chance I will be unable to help you. But I will do everything in my power to do so. Now, go back to the physical realm. I suspect there’s a situation that requires your attention.”

Asra’s eyes widened. “Wait, what do you-“

With a rush, Asra was back in his body. He gasped as his eyes snapped open, and nearly burst into laughter at the scene before him. Julian stood just inside the room, hands at his throat as Faust wrapped around his neck. “Faust!” Asra called. 

The snake immediately released Julian and slid down his side and leg, rushing back to Asra. Julian spluttered, coughing. “Why is your snake trying to kill me?!” Julian demanded, his voice high-pitched and panicky. 

“She was just being affectionate. Weren’t you, Faust?” Asra scratched under her chin as she answered him, more feelings than words. He got the picture clear enough: Julian had intended to interrupt him, and Faust had stopped him, just as he asked her to. 

Julian cleared his throat a few times. “Is she ‘affectionate’ that way with you?” he demanded. 

Asra stretched out his arms. Right on cue, Faust wound her way to his neck and wrapped around him, squeezing ever so slightly. “That proves nothing,” Julian said sourly.

“Doesn’t it?”

“She’s barely squeezing you!”

Asra laughed softly as Faust released him, settling on his shoulders again. “Is there something I can help you with, Ilya?”

Julian cleared his throat once more. “I was just checking on you before bed, seeing if _you_ need anything. Do you?”

“I don’t think so. Thanks anyway.”

“Er, yes, very good. Well, have a good night.”

“Good night, Ilya.”

With one last furtive glance at Faust, Julian showed himself out of Asra’s room. Asra smiled and undressed for bed, his mind calm for the first time since this nightmare started. Despite the fact that Asra hadn’t secured the Devil’s cooperation, he was sure now that everything would be alright. 

* * *

Asra filled Nadia in about his conversation with the Devil the next day over breakfast. “I see,” she said, when he reached the end of his tale. “So his efforts will be for nothing anyway. Do you still intend to bring Thomas back?”

“If I can.” He sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do if this doesn’t work. Knowing that I have no way out of this if I can’t...”

“If you can’t, you will carry on as Thomas would want you to,” Nadia said gently. Asra frowned sharply, and Nadia shook her head. "What you meant by the fact that you were never in any danger when you made that attempt on your life is still a mystery to me, but I assume that statement stands. You have no choice, Asra. You will have to carry on." She sighed. "Thomas wouldn't want this for you. Any of this. Including bringing him back, but I can't talk you out of it, this much is obvious. And I want him back, too. Desperately."

"How close were you and he, anyway?"

"Not particularly, I don't think. I know he became very close with the doctor but he didn't like Lucio and I think he felt I was too close to him to really get close to me."

Asra made a thoughtful noise. "In any event, you're right. I don't have a way out. Carrying on is my only choice. I just don't know how I'm going to _do_ that. He was my world. Every day without him is agony, and I don't want to live in agony."

"Julian has a saying: Time is the great healer. You may always love him like this, Asra, but you mightn't not hurt so badly forever. The wound is still fresh. Give yourself some time."

"I don't- It _feels_ like this is forever." He sighed. "I might as well say it. If this fails, I _would_ try again, but-"

"I'm sorry you feel that way. Please don't harm yourself, Asra. People care about you."

“You barely know me.” The protest was weaker than it had been with Julian.

“That matters little to me. Every life is precious, especially in these times.” Asra said nothing, only looking at his hands, and Nadia covered his hands with her own. He looked up at her. “I don’t know how to convince you of this,” she murmured. “I want to be your friend. Doctor Devorak wants to be your friend. I wish you would let us.”

“You don’t understand. I’ve tried being friends with people and been burned almost every time. The only two people who didn’t take advantage of me or stab me in the back were Muriel and Thomas, and Thomas is gone.”

“You may find this hard to believe, but I understand.” She pulled away, sighing. “You know of my origin, I presume?”

“That you’re the youngest princess of Prakra? Yes, when you came to Vesuvia it was all most people could talk about. When you married Lucio-“ He cut himself off. Opinions of her marrying down hadn’t been kind.

She gave him a tight smile. “I’m aware that public opinion of the Union wasn’t favorable to me. I must say, I didn’t care much. I came to Vesuvia to escape a friendless existence in Prakra. If I survived on my own there, I could survive on my own here.”

Asra stared at her, searching. “But Lucio-“

“As I said, I married him to get away from Prakra. If you think he’s been any kind of friend to me, you’re sorely mistaken.”

Asra sucked in a breath. “He hasn’t been _cruel_ to you-“

“No. He’s a cruel man but I sincerely believe most of his cruelty is, in fact, stupidity. Judging from how he runs Vesuvia, anyway. And he... tries, occasionally. But the only friends I’ve had- that I trust, anyway- are Julian, and Thomas.” She tried a small smile. “I understand you’re reluctant to trust us. I was reluctant to trust the doctor, and then Thomas. I’m willing to meet you in your distrust, if you’re willing to meet me. Meet us.”

Asra swallowed hard. “Did you know?” he asked quietly. “Did you know how badly Ilya neglected him?”

Nadia looked away, sighing. “I did. Thomas once asked me to intervene, to get Doctor Devorak to take a break. I dared not interfere with him, but I knew very well that he was shutting everyone out. He shut _me_ out. Thomas’s death was his wake-up call. Please believe me when I say that he’s learned his lesson.”

Asra let out a long, low breath. “I’ll take what you’ve said under consideration,” he said slowly, “but you need to understand that I’m here against my will. I’m not stupid and I’m not a masochist. I may not want to live and am vastly irritated that I have to, but I’m not going to hurt myself in a vain attempt to kill myself. Besides, hope isn’t lost yet. I’m safe to go back to the shop and sleep in my own bed.”

Nadia looked at him appraisingly. “I will talk with Doctor Devorak,” she said finally, “but as he’s the doctor, he has final say in whether we let you leave or not.”

Asra huffed. “Fine. I’m... sorry for how we met. I must seem crazy to-“

“Not at all. Everyone grieves differently, and you’ve been through so much... that’s why Julian has been so adamant about keeping an eye on you. He and I predicted you wouldn’t react well to-“ Asra winced, and Nadia winced with him. “I apologize. That was insensitive.”

“I kind of deserve it.” 

“No, you don’t.” 

“He doesn’t deserve what?” Julian popped around the door of the veranda, adjusting his gloves.

“He doesn’t deserve being spoken to like a simpleton,” Nadia answered.

Before Asra could retort that wasn’t what happened, Julian said, as he took a seat next to Asra, “Quite right.”

“Actually, Doctor, there was something I wanted to ask you on Asra’s behalf.”

“Asra’s right here, isn’t he?”

“Yes, but you’ve already shown him that you’re unwilling to change your mind when he talks to you.”

From the way Julian frowned, Asra could tell he knew what was coming. “Countess-“

“Hear me out. We’ve had a nice talk, and I believe him when he says that he’s not planning to hurt himself and _won’t_ plan to hurt himself. He wants to be somewhere familiar, Julian. Doesn’t he deserve the comfort of his own home?”

Julian was silent for several moments. Then, he turned to Asra. “I’m not going to talk around you,” he said. “The shop might be familiar but it’s the last place you saw Thomas. Grief is a violently messy thing, and I really think it’s better for you to be here at this point. You wouldn’t be if I didn’t.”

Asra chose his words as carefully as Julian had. “You keep saying you want to be my friend.”

“I do.”

“Part of that is taking me at my word. I promise I will not hurt myself again.”

Julian didn’t quite seem convinced. “Will you let me check on you?”

“Yes, although I don’t think that will be necessary,” he answered. “I am going to try to help cure the plague. I need to come to the palace to do that.”

Reluctantly, Julian nodded. “Fine. I believe you. But if you don’t come to the palace I _will_ check up on you.”

Relief flooded Asra. He’d finally have some semblance of privacy back. “You know what? You’re welcome to stop by any time. I... well, I don’t want to be completely alone. And I don’t trust you yet. But I’m willing to try.”

The tension melted from Julian’s shoulders. “Excellent. And since you’re still willing to help with the plague, how about we start now? Thomas told me that he believes the plague to be magical-“

“I’m aware.”

“I’m not quite sure I believe that. We’ve isolated the vector of infection to red beetles. They aren’t endemic to Vesuvia but we have no idea where they came from. Perhaps if they _are_ magical, you can tell where they came from. It’s what Thomas was doing when he fell ill.”

Asra nodded. “I want to continue his work.”

“Very good. Do you want to start now?”

“Doctor,” Nadia interjected, “Don’t tell me you’re planning on having him work directly with the beetles.”

“That’s the only way to-“

“That’s how Thomas contracted it!” Nadia snapped. 

Julian pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ve been working with them for months and haven’t contracted it yet. My mistake was leaving Thomas to his own devices with them. I won’t do that again.”

“Besides,” Asra added, standing, his tone bitter and cynical, “I’m protected from unnatural harm, remember? If the plague is magical, it’s unnatural and I _can’t_ be infected.”

Julian looked at him sharply, but said nothing. Nadia just sighed. “Quaestor Valdemar might not appreciate you bringing yet another non-doctor into their... workspace.”

Asra noted with interest that Julian paled ever so slightly at that. His voice was unperturbed when he answered. “Valdemar didn’t care as long as Thomas didn’t get in the way- and could keep our research methods quiet. I don’t plan on even having Asra down there when they are. They’ll never cross paths.”

“You don’t mean that you’re going to keep this a secret from-“

“Of course not, but Valdemar has more important things to worry about than who I’m partnering with.”

At that, Asra looked at him. “Partnering?”

Julian smiled. “You didn’t think I was just going to let you have at it. I told you, I learned my lesson from Thomas. We do this together.”

With that, he extended a hand to Asra. Asra finally started second-guessing his convictions that these people couldn’t be trusted as he took it. “I’m going to want to do my own magical research,” Asra said warningly.

“You’re welcome to it. I’m not a magician- just as you’re not a doctor. We can still work together, can’t we?”

Asra nodded. “I think so. So I assume you have some of these plague beetles ready to be researched if Thomas was researching them already.”

"Yes. Do you want to go have a look at them now?"

"Why not?" The pair stood together, and Nadia smiled up at them as they said their goodbyes and took their leave of her.

They walked through the palace in silence, coming to the library. Julian glanced around furtively, making sure they were alone, before dropping his voice to a near whisper. "Listen, what we do in here is strictly confidential," he said quietly. "I need your word that what you see down here will not leave the room."

Julian's words gave Asra pause. "What- what exactly are you asking me to keep a secret?" he asked, his voice low and cautious.

"If I'm correct, nothing major, only that we have these beetles. If there's... testing... going on, we'll wait for another time."

Asra gave him a look, his mind racing. He had no idea if he wanted to be part of this if Julian was trying to extract a promise of secrecy from him. But who was he going to tell, Muriel? Muriel would grump about whatever was going on in there and do nothing about it- and there had been a lot of things that Asra had kept from Muriel in the past. Keeping secrets from him was nothing new. Would he tell Nadia? No.... she had enough to deal with, what with Lucio's illness and trying to run Vesuvia in his stead. 

Finally, he nodded. If this was something he disapproved of, he could simply tell Julian he had to find another way to help, and that would be it. "Alright. I can keep this to myself."

"Good." With that, Julian unlocked the library door and the two slipped in, locking the door behind them.


	8. Chapter 8

The library was dark, the only light in the room from wall-height windows. Asra followed Julian, running his fingers along the book spines he passed, itching to browse. He could just imagine the knowledge that was waiting for him in these books. He'd have to ask Nadia if he could come back here and just enjoy being there. 

But for now, Julian was guiding him through the bookcases and stacks, and came to one particular bookcase against the wall. Asra kept quiet, watching with interest, as Julian pulled three books out, tilting them but not drawing them completely out of their spaces. When the third one was pulled, there was a soft _click_ and the bookcase swung out and open, revealing a darkened stone staircase, illuminated by torches on either side of the passage. Julian took a torch and gestured for Asra to follow him.

By then, a sense of foreboding was firmly lodged in Asra's gut. This had all the hallmarks of a bad horror novel and Asra was more and more unsure of the wisdom of following Julian, the deeper they went. A long corridor of packed dirt stretched out before them as they came to the bottom of the stairs. Without breaking his stride, Julian started down the corridor, and Asra followed, at a loss of what else to do.

Finally, they came to a large chamber, with a machine standing in the middle of it. As Julian patted his pockets, looking for something, Asra bent and read a plaque bolted above the machine's keyhole: "Bloody hands may turn the key. Know the weight of your sins, and enter." He stood up straight as Julian produced the key. "That sure is cheerful."

"The Quastor's sense of humor is a little twisted." He inserted the key and turned it, and the door clanged open, revealing an elevator chamber. "It'll be a tight fit but I think we can both get in there," Julian said, ducking into it and standing against the wall, next to the control lever. Asra squeezed in next to him, trying to squish himself as small as he could manage. Julian looked him over to make sure that Asra was completely inside before pulling the lever and the door shut, and the contraption lowered them to a sub-basement.

The trip seemed to take entirely too long, Asra pressed against Julian's body. He gritted his teeth as his mind wandered to how easily Julian would be able to embrace him in this position. He snarled at himself to stop being ridiculous, that there was no _reason_ for Julian to embrace him, and practically fell out of the elevator when it came to a halt at the bottom of its descent. "That is _such_ a tight squeeze," Asra remarked stretching. 

"Yeah, it's intended for one person only. I figured you were small enough to squeeze in with me, though."

"Did you just call me short?"

Julian looked down at him, grinning. "Would I be wrong?"

"I'm average height for Vesuvians."

"It just so happens that 'average' looks 'short' to me." Julian gestured for Asra to follow him, and led him through a set of double-doors into an antechamber of sorts. Plague masks, medical aprons, and gloves lined the walls. "Here, we need to make sure you're protected." Julian gazed thoughtfully at Asra, then selected a plague mask, apron, and gloves for him. “Apron on first,” he said. He handed the mask and gloves to Asra, then slipped the apron over his head, tying it secure. While he did that, Asra pulled the gloves on up to his elbows, and Julian helped him secure the mask over his face. “There,” he said. “Can you see?”

“Yes. Although it is a pain in the backside.”

“It is, but you get used to it.”

Julian pushed open the doors and strode into the room, Asra on his heels.

Asra looked around at the place, his stomach twisting at what he saw. The room was lined with offices, their doors closed; the room itself was open, with two rows of desks before a stage at the far end of the room. On the center of the stage was a table, leather belts with cuffs hanging from it. He was sure the darkened splotched on the wood was blood. “What- what is this place?” he breathed. 

“This is where we study those infected by the plague,” Julian answered. “You’re not a doctor, so this is the only time I’ll bring you down here unless you need to see the beetles again.”

“Hopefully I’ll get enough information in this trip.” Asra suppressed a shudder as Julian led him through the room, up to the stage and then off to the side, against the wall. He wasn’t sure what he was more unnerved by, the very obvious blood stains on the floor or the chittering, clicking of insects that got louder as they got closer to the well in the wall. When Julian reached it, he pushed a button and a stone lid slid half-way off the well, revealing a shining red carpet of movement. Asra felt sick as Julian took a pair of tongs and picked one of the beetles out, then closed the lid again and carried the beetle up to the stage. Asra thought he heard a _crunch_ as they walked, and as Julian and Asra came to the table at the stage, he released the tongs, depositing the creature on the blood-stained table, dead. “Hopefully you don’t need it to be alive,” he said, “but I let Thomas work with live specimens. I don’t know if that was what got him the plague but I’m not taking any such chances with you.”

Asra said nothing, instead focusing his magic on the little corpse. He could sense the illness in it, a sour dusting of malfeasance in its being. He dug deeper, closing his eyes, gloved hand hovering over the beetle.

After a moment, he said, “I understand the need for gloves but they’re making this harder.”

“Your safety is more important than easy answers. Sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.” He took a deep breath, clenching his fingers into a fist and relaxing them again, and refocused his magic. He couldn’t find its ties to the world. It was a magical creature indeed, but it’s magic was otherworldly, unlike any Asra had ever encountered.

With a deep breath, he opened his eyes, then staggered as heat and dizziness swept over him. Julian’s hand shot out to steady him. “I’m fine-“ Asra started in a thin voice.

“Obviously not,” Julian contradicted. “Come on, you can rest in my office.” Asra didn’t fight him as he led him off and away from the stage, towards the row of offices on the western wall. He leaned on him, even, as Julian fumbled with a key ring, unlocked the door, and half-dragged Asra inside. He let Asra down on the cot before closing the door and pulling his mask off, then kneeling beside Asra and pulling his off as well. “What’s going on?” Julian asked quietly. 

“I just got dizzy for a moment. I’m fine-“

“No, you’re not. You were leaning on me pretty heavily. Lay down for a few minutes. I don’t think you’ve recovered from your poisoning yet.” Asra didn’t have the strength or will to argue with him, taking his advice and laying on the cot. The bedding smelled of leather and soap and coffee, a strange but not entirely unpleasant experience. 

Julian knelt next to him, pressing a wrist to Asra’s forehead. He knew the touch was innocent, but he realized with a start that he didn’t want it to be innocent. “What?” Julian asked.

“What what?”

“You gasped.”

“Just a little out of breath.”

Frowning, Julian pressed a hand to Asra’s chest, feeling his heartbeat. His fingers trailed up to his neck, under his jaw, feeling for his pulse there. “Your heartbeat is strong and steady, at least,” he said finally. His fingers trailed feather-light across the hollow of Asra’s throat before pulling away. "Let me know when the dizziness has passed. Did you get anything useful out of that examination?"

"Only that they're not of this world. I couldn't figure out where they're from, though. I've never encountered its magic before."

"That's not comforting." Julian frowned, and stood and started looking through his books. Asra watched in dull interested as he mouthed the titles as he read them, then huffed. "If you're going to find anything about these things, it'll be in your books, not here. When you're ready to move again, we'll go back to your shop."

"That sounds like a good idea." He closed his eyes. "I wish I had Faust."

"I can go get her, if you want."

"Yes please."

Without another word, Julian stood and left the office, locking the door behind him. Asra wasn't sure that was necessary- he wasn't going anywhere- but the chamber looked enough like a dungeon where torture was carried out that Asra couldn't bring himself to be too annoyed by it. He didn't know Quastor Valdemar well, but he did _not_ want to cross paths with them, in this setting, when his ability to defend himself was compromised. 

He closed his eyes and breathed deep, trying to still the dizziness in his head as he waited. He wasn't waiting long; the sound of a key in the door got him to open his eyes and sit up expectantly. Julian entered the room, Faust curled around one arm. "She started squeezing me as tightly as she could," he told Asra, as he held his arm out and let her wind her way back to Asra. "I told her you were sick to get her to stop, but why does your snake have it out for me?"

Asra fought a smile as he looked at Faust. "Well? You heard him. Why are you squeezing him so hard."

 _Funny!_

There was no way Asra was repeating that to Julian. He'd never get him to handle her again. "She's just being affectionate. Think of it as a hug."

_Funny hug!_

Asra let a little gasp of amused exasperation out. "Well, he doesn't like it, so maybe don't squeeze him quite so hard."

_Harder!_

As Asra shook his head, Julian asked, "What, uh, what did she say?"

"She'll take it under consideration."

Faust seemed to be as done with the conversation as Asra was. _Asra okay?_ she asked, tongue flicking out to his cheek. 

"I'm fine now. Just got a little dizzy. I think I'm okay to move now."

"If you're sure," Julian said doubtfully.

"I'm sure." He stood, swaying slightly. Julian reached for him, but didn't touch him, pulling away when Asra caught his balance. Asra took a moment longer to get his bearings before nodding. The pair left then, and Julian locked the door behind them.

They stopped by Nadia's rooms to tell her where they were going, and that Julian would probably be back sometime that night- they would see to dinner themselves. "Did your examination yield fruit?" she asked them curiously.

"Of a sort," Asra said. "I have a starting place for my research now. I want to check the books at home first, but I would love to spend some time in your library. There are so many books..."

"You're welcome to it." Nadia gave a small grin. "The library isn't used nearly enough. If it can be of use to you, then use it."

"Thank you, Countess." 

"We better get a move on," Julian said. "We're losing daylight." 

"Take care, you two." Nadia turned back to the book in her hand as they took their leave of her, moving through the palace and down to the street. Julian hailed them a carriage, and Asra boarded it behind Julian, pensive. He had so much on his mind. The protections on him- who could've possibly done this? And how did he _un_ do it? He needed to find out who protected him, get them to break the deal. It was neither needed nor wanted, and Asra was more than a little put off that someone had taken it upon themselves to do such a thing to him.

Then there was Julian. He didn't want to admit it to anyone, but he did find the man's company pleasant- attractive, even. He disliked the fact that he seemed to be attracted to him. He was in love with Thomas, and would always be in love with Thomas. He had to remember that. He didn't often find people attractive enough to act on it, but Julian was definitely in that category and for all intents and purposes, Asra still wasn't single. Not until he knew that he'd be unable to bring Thomas back.

The simple fact that he was even _thinking_ about it was... disconcerting. 

The carriage rolled to a stop in front of the shop, and the two travelers disembarked. Julian tipped the carriage driver and sent him on his way as Asra fumbled with his keys, then released the ward on the door. "Are you hungry?" Julian asked. 

"Are you?" 

"Nice try."

Asra grinned sheepishly. "I could eat."

"Let me go see what kind of restaurants you have around here. I'm from the South End, we don't have fancy restaurants like you do here."

"Fine by me." 

"What do you want?"

"Anything, just used your best judgment." At the look Julian gave him, he chuckled. "I'm not a picky eater, I swear."

"Sure thing, blue-tongued skink and blue raspberries."

Asra laughed, his cheeks heating up a bit. "Those are just my favorites. Seriously, if you put food in front of me I'll eat it even if it's inedible, and even then I'll try."

"Whatever you say," Julian said wryly. "Will you be alright alone?"

"I'll be fine. I'll clean up the glass I broke while you're out doing that."

"Fair enough. Be careful, those shards looked sharp."

"I will be. See you in a bit."

Julian turned and started walking down the street, heading for the main thoroughfare, waving as he went. Asra watched until he was gone, then went into the shop and closed the door behind himself and trudged up the stairs to the living area. He first went to the bed and dropped his bag on it, then encouraged Faust to leave him and take a nap on his pillows. "I'm going to be cleaning up glass and I don't want you to get hurt," he said. Faust unwound down his shoulder and arm, coming to rest on his pillow and curled up, tongue flicking contentedly.

Asra watched her for a moment, smiling, before going into the kitchenette and picking up the broom and dustpan and, with a sigh, began sweeping. As the afternoon light glinted off one of the shards of the glass, Asra froze, staring, his heart in his throat. "No..." he whispered, dropping the broom and going to his knees. He gingerly picked up one of the bigger shards, one that had etching so carefully engraved on it. "No," he repeated, louder, pawing at the glass, ignoring the tiny cuts the edges were making in his shaking hands. In seconds he was in hysterical tears, frantically picking up the shards and trying to fit them back together. “No no no no _no!_ ” Asra cried, realizing that the glass was broken beyond repair. Loud, frantic sobs tore from Asra as he cried harder than he could ever remember crying. He bowed his head and hugged himself, howling with fresh grief. Red streaked his sleeves where he grasped them, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Faust was suddenly wrapped around his shoulders, but he couldn't bring himself to care about that, either.

He knelt there in the glass, crying hysterically, for what felt like hours. He heard the front door open and then, “Asra?!” But he just couldn’t stop crying long enough to answer. Footsteps pounded on the stairs, and then Julian was next to him on the floor. “Your hands are bleeding!” he gasped, trying to take one in his hands. Asra tightened his grip on his sleeve and cried harder. Julian gave up trying to get Asra to give him his hands and wrapped his arms around him, pressing Asra’s head to his chest and stroking his hair as he rocked him. 

Slowly, the sobs subsided and Asra shifted to cling to Julian. It was a few minutes after Asra finally quieted that Julian dared to speak. “Are you alright?”

“No.” Asra pulled away, wiping his still-teary eyes with bloodied hands. “That glass- Thomas had it made for me. It was engraved with our initials and the day we met.”

“I’m so sorry.” Julian tightened his embrace for a moment, then pulled away, reaching for Asra’s hands. “Let’s see how badly you cut yourself.”

“Not too badly, I don’t think.” Asra hissed as Julian turned his hands palm-up and gently probed the cuts. 

“Badly enough,” he finally said, reaching into a pouch on his belt. He produced a small canister of balm and some bandages. “Hopefully I have enough supplies here to bandage you up.”

“We have a first aid kit if you don’t.” Julian grimaced, and Asra realized what he’d said. “That is, I have one.”

“I think I have enough for one of your hands. Hold still and bear with it. This balm has a painkilling element to it. It’ll sting, but just for a moment.”

Asra obeyed him as he gently laved the balm over the cuts in his palm and fingers, wincing at the sting, but it was as Julian said- it only stung for a moment before it and the sharp ache faded. Once the balm had been well applied, Julian carefully bandaged the hand, barely able to tie it off before running out. “Where’s this kit?” he asked. 

“Down in the shop, behind the cash counter.”

“Don’t touch that glass while I’m gone.”

Without waiting for Asra to respond, Julian got up and went back down the stairs. He didn’t know what he was going to tell Muriel or Nadia about his hands. They were too injured for him to say he merely cut himself while cleaning up the glass.

He didn’t have to wait too long. Julian came back up the stairs, kit in hand, and helped Asra stand. He led him to the table and sat him down, taking the other chair and scooting close. Then he gave Asra’s other hand the same treatment, carefully spreading his balm over the cuts and gently bandaging the wounds. "I’ll clean up the glass,” he said. “I left our dinner downstairs. When I heard you crying I dropped it on the counter and rushed up here.”

“I’m sorry.” Asra’s face flushed with embarrassment. “Losing my head over a glass...”

“It was a special glass. It’s alright. I probably would have lost it, too.” Julian stood and picked up the discarded broom and dust pan. “Hopefully the food is still hot. Go on, I’ve got this.”

Asra stood and went down the stairs, flexing his bandaged fingers. His movement was restricted a little bit, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle for a few days. He found the brown bag right on the counter where Julian said he'd find it. Curiosity overwhelmed him, and he rooted around in the bag, looking for his. There was a container of some sort of red and white fish and vegetables- Julian was a fish guy? He didn't look like a fish guy- and then continued looking for the other container. A thrill of delight ran through him when he found it- blue-tongued skink with vegetables and mashed potatoes. Digging a little further revealed two parfaits, one with regular berries, the other a mix of regular and blue raspberries. He wondered how Julian had managed to find a restaurant with these in stock, but he wasn't about to look a gift-horse in the mouth. Packing the bag again, he picked it up and carried it up the stairs. Maybe Julian wasn't so bad after all.


	9. Chapter 9

After dinner, Asra browsed his books almost lazily as Julian sat at the kitchenette table, feeding Faust tiny mice that Asra had magically preserved. She drapped over his shoulders, accepting the food as her tongue flicked out at his cheek between treats. "She's an excellent companion when she wants to be," Julian said with a smile.

"She's always an excellent companion." Asra sighed and closed the book he was reading. "I feel like I'm repeating Thomas's work. Am I repeating Thomas's work?"

Julian shook his head as he fed another mouse to Faust. "Thomas focused on what to do about the beetles _now_ , not where they came from. For all I know, that's the missing piece of the puzzle."

"Well, I'm having no luck with my books on supernatural beings. I've established that they were likely summoned by a demon, but-"

"What's a demon?"

"It's not important." Asra sat up, pulling two books out of the pile he'd established, and stood. "Muriel is back at the palace. He might be able to help me root out the origin of these things. I know I said that I wanted to stay at my own home, but it might be best for me to stay at the palace until I've finished my research and given Muriel heads up that I'm going to be here."

"Muriel is staying at the palace?"

Asra stood, stretching, and he gathered up his books. "He wanted to be close to me after... after what I did, and you were insistent that I remain where you can watch me."

"Huh. Interesting. I wouldn't imagine he'd be willing to-"

"I didn't think he would, either." Asra's face flushed. "I... I acted in desperation. I thought Muriel was just pitying me, that I'd burned that bridge for good, and that I'd driven you away, and I didn't want to be completely alone-"

Julian got up and went to him, taking his hands in his. "You didn't drive me away," he said quietly, meeting his gaze. "I was, uh, upset. To say the least. But only partly upset with you, mostly with myself. I've never met anyone quite like you, Asra. I just... didn't know how to approach you. What I was doing obviously wasn't working, and, well- it, uh, it always worked with everyone else. I needed to think about how to get through to you."

"I don't need to be gotten through to," Asra replied just as softly, but he didn't pull or look away. 

"If you were given the choice, would you attempt to take your life again?" Asra said nothing, and Julian sighed, dropping his hands and turning away. "Let's get back to the- hey, hey, _hey_!" His next words were cut off in an exaggerated gag as Faust tightened around his neck, and his hands went up to her, trying to pry her loose.

Asra laughed and reached for her, too. "I think he gets your point, Faust. Stop."

Faust loosened and went to Asra's outstretched hand, curling up his arm to his shoulders, tongue flicking against his cheek. _Funny!_

Asra gave another snorting laugh, scritching under her chin. "I'm sure he doesn't find it funny."

_Make Asra laugh!_

"Wait, she's doing that because she finds it _funny?_ " Julian spluttered.

"Well, this time she did it to make me laugh," Asra said apologetically.

Julian chuckled. "It worked, then. Any chance you can get her to stop?"

"I asked her already. She's her own person, she doesn't have to listen to me if she doesn't want to- and I'm guessing she doesn't want to. Sorry."

"As long as she stops when you tell her to, I suppose," Julian muttered, eyeing the snake as she were venomous. 

Asra grinned. "She won't really hurt you. I promise you that."

"That's not how it feels." Julian backed up a step, jerking his head to the stairs. "Well, let's get back to the palace and tell Nadia what you've found. It's getting late. I'm sure you want to talk with your friend before turning in for the night."

"You're right." Asra slipped the strap of his bag over his head, tucked his books under his arm, and went to the stairs, Julian at his heels. 

The trip back to the palace was quiet. Julian tried to make conversation, but Asra wasn't feeling it. There was something about that conversation with Julian just now that was _off_ and he wasn't sure what it was. An uncomfortable feeling was growing in his gut about him, and he was afraid to ruminate on it, afraid of what he'd find if he did. Now that the horrible sadness over the glass had passed, he found that, like when he got dizzy at Julian's office, Julian's touch was almost soothing. He knew exactly what to do with that information and so he buried it. They'd _just_ met. He wasn't willing to slap Thomas in the face like that, and he was ashamed that the thought had even occured to him.

The first thing Asra did when they got back to the palace was to stop by his room, drop off his books, and then seek Muriel out. Muriel had been placed close to Asra in the guest wing, and Asra went to his door and knocked. He was startled as Muriel opened the door, revealing Muriel wearing a guard's uniform. Asra blinked, taking it in. "Well, this is unexpected."

Muriel's face flushed and he moved aside. "Come in."

Asra obeyed and Muriel closed the door behind him. "You look handsome in that," Asra said, grinning broadly.

"Whatever. Why are your hands bandaged?"

Sighing, Asra looked at them and then dropped them back to his sides. "I broke a glass when I poisoned myself," he said sadly. "It was the keepsake glass Thomas got me for the Masquerade two years ago."

Muriel was quiet. "I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. It was my own fault. But I kind of... lost it when I realized which glass I had broken. Julian bandaged me up when I stopped crying long enough to respond to him."

At the mention of Julian's name, Muriel's expression soured. "Is he still bothering you?"

Asra grimaced. "Yes and no. I don't want to talk about it."

"That probably means you should."

"But I'm not," Asra said bluntly, finality in his words. "I was hoping you could help me with something."

"What do you need?"

Quickly, Asra explained what he'd learned of the plague beetles. "I plan on doing some research in the palace library," he finished, "but I wanted to hear your thoughts on it, first."

Muriel thought about it for a moment before answering. "If you're right, and they were summoned by a demon, I'm pretty sure you need to find that demon to stem the flow of them into this world."

"Agreed," Asra replied, rubbing his chin, "but how would we go about doing that? We can't just probe people for demonic ties."

"Aren't you supposed to be dealing with the Devil in two days?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with-"

"Ask him who it is."

"I don't think it's going to be that simple. I can try, but if the Devil doesn't want to tell me something, he's not going to tell me anything. I'm already asking a pretty big thing of him."

Muriel stared at him. "Did you just say that your plan to bring Thomas back was more important than discovering the source of-"

"No, of course not. But just because I ask doesn't mean he'll tell me anything. I will try, though. You’re right, if he is willing to tell us something, that will simplify matters.”

Muriel nodded. Finally, Asra’s curiosity got the better of him. “Why are you in a guard uniform?”

“I was uneasy, just being here and doing nothing. I asked the countess about helping out. This is what she came up with.”

Asra eyed him in concern. Given Muriel’s history, he wasn’t sure this was a good idea. But Muriel knew what he was getting into. “Are you taking care of yourself?”

Muriel nodded. “I’m... patrolling inside the palace. I don’t have to deal with very many people, and the people I do have to deal with are... quick to obey me and get out of my way.” Muriel grimaced. “Are you sure you want to stay here? I can keep an eye on you just fine at the hut-“

“I need access to the library here. I don’t plan to stay here forever. Nadia’s given me the okay to come and go as I please. You don’t have to be here if you don’t want to be.”

“I do. I have to be where you are. I can’t lose you, Asra. I care about you too much-“

“You won’t lose me. I can’t kill myself, remember?”

“What if you find a way around it?”

Asra went quiet at that. “One doesn’t just find a way around deals with Arcana-“

“You don’t even know who the deal is with, what the terms are- you know nothing but that it exists.”

“If there was a way around it, the Magician would have told me.”

“Would they?”

“Why is everyone treating me like I’m crazy?” Asra demanded in exasperation.

Muriel sighed. “I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you weren’t thinking clearly and acted out of desperation. But you’re my friend, Asra. I... care, about you. Immensely. I don’t want you to hurt yourself. But you did, twice now-“

“You’re holding the glass against me?”

“I’m not holding anything against you. You lost your head and ended up cutting yourself pretty badly, from the looks of it.”

“It looks worse than it is,” Asra mumbled, looking away.

Muriel took his hand in his, gently probing the bandages. Asra couldn’t suppress a wince. Muriel looked at him questioningly, and Asra snapped, “Of course it hurts! I cut myself on glass shards, that’s going to hurt!”

Muriel released him with a sigh. “I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to accept that you scared us. A lot of people care about you, Asra.”

“ _You_ care about me. The countess and doctor cared about _Thomas_ and are suffocating me because they feel like they let him down.”

“I don’t believe that at all.” Asra simply hugged himself, and Muriel sighed. “To be fair to you, I believe you when you say you’re not going to try again. Especially if you know you’re not going to succeed. Especially with your plan.”

“Any chance you can talk to Nadia and Ilya and tell them that?”

“Even if I wanted to talk to them, I wouldn’t. What you did is serious. As much as I hate to say it... the doctor is right to be worried about you.”

Asra sighed. “I know this. I’d be just as worried about someone who did what I did. But I _know_ I’m no danger to myself. It’s so frustrating that no one seems to be listening to me.”

Muriel put a hand on his shoulder. “Then ignore them. If you know you’re no danger to yourself, live your life. Let them give themselves a burning stomach over it. Eventually they’ll believe you. But you’ve got to earn their trust now.”

“So just pretend nothing happened?”

“No. Acknowledge it, because it did, and you’ve said a few times you wish you could die. But stop letting the fact that you did it run your life.”

“I’ll see if I can do that.” He sighed again, running his hands through his hair. “For now, though, I’ve established that the beetles- the vector of infection- aren’t actually from this world at all, and that they’re likely coming from a demon, but I have no idea who that demon could be. My current plan is to ask the Devil if he knows, when I go to him, but there’s no guarantee that he’ll tell me. If that happens, will you help me try to root out their origin?”

Muriel eyed him. “I’ll try, but I’m not a magician like you. I don’t know how much help I’ll be.”

“You’ll be a lot of help, I promise.” He stifled a yawn. “I better get to sleep. I don’t have anything but reading planned for tomorrow, but who knows what will happen. I feel like I need to be ready for anything.”

“You look tired, yes. Go get some sleep.”

Asra nodded, putting a hand on Muriel’s arm with a smile. “Thanks, Muri. For everything.”

* * *

Asra spent the next day driving himself mad, trying to track down any information that would be at all helpful in his quest to root out the origin of the beetles. Doing that helped keep his mind off of his meeting with the Devil. He had no idea if the Devil would help him, if he could help him; he got the feeling that he would be better off studying this with Thomas, combining what Thomas had learned with his research on magical beings that caused illness.

Muriel helped him, as promised, but Muriel was just as much in the dark about it as Asra was, and even moreso. Julian joined them at one point, much to Muriel’s displeasure, bringing them tea and pastries from the kitchen. Asra was uncomfortably aware that Muriel wanted Julian to go away.

Julian, though, seemed oblivious to it. He set the tray of snacks down on a table and handed Muriel a mug with a smile. Muriel suppressed a scowl, but Julian just smiled at him, then picked up Asra’s cup and brought it to him. Asra didn’t look up from his book as he reached for it, then froze as their fingers touched, and looked up at Julian, surprised. Julian’s expression was kind, open, hopeful. Neither moved away for several long moments, until Muriel cleared his throat.

They separated then, Asra’s cheeks heating as he mumbled thanks for the tea. “Don’t mention it,” Julian said smoothly. “So, uh, have you made any progress?”

“Not much,” Asra answered. “I think we’ve figured out that the beetles are a side effect of a deal gone wrong, but I’m supposed to go back to the Devil and speak with him again tomorrow. I can ask him what he knows. There’s a good chance he’ll refuse to answer, but I don’t think there’s danger in just asking.”

“I’d rather you didn’t go,” Muriel mumbled over his tea.

“I agree with him,” Julian said. “I understand you made a promise to Lucio, but-“

Muriel looked up sharply. “He still thinks this is about Lucio?”

“I- uh- it- it isn’t?”

Asra sighed. “No. Don’t take this back to Lucio but the Devil has flatly said that he won’t help him. I plan to get his help to bring Thomas back.”

Julian’s breath caught in his throat. “You can do that?” He sounded like he was scared to believe it. 

“I don’t know if I can or not,” Asra admitted, “but I’m going to try.”

“I may be able to see him again,” Julian whispered. Then he shook his head. “You can’t keep this from Lucio.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

“He’ll kill you!”

“No he won’t,” Asra said bitterly. “I’m protected from harm, remember? And he’ll try just as hard to kill me if I tell him that I’m going to try to save Thomas instead.”

“I don’t believe that at all.”

“Asra is right,” Muriel rumbled. “If Lucio doesn’t get what he wants, he’s taking it out on everyone else, whether he knows that Thomas may come back or not. Delay the bad reaction, and-“

“Or rip off the bandage and get it over with,” Julian insisted. 

Asra stared hard at him, fighting down a sense of betrayal. “Can I trust you?” he asked, his heart aching at the possibility of Julian betraying that trust.

Julian took his hands again. “Absolutely. I just think that maybe you need to consider if you can trust Lucio-“

“Oh, I know I can’t trust Lucio.”

“Then you need a plan for when he loses it.”

Silence met him. “I haven’t thought that far ahead,” Asra admitted. 

“Might I suggest you take the time to do that?”

“It might be a moot point. The Devil doesn’t know if he can help me- or at least, he didn’t know when we last spoke. Hopefully that’s changed. Hopefully he will be able to help. But if he can’t, there’s nothing to tell Lucio but that the Devil has refused.”

Julian gazed at him appraisingly, then said softly, “I trust that you’ll figure something out. I’ll keep quiet about it. I just can’t fathom why you wouldn’t tell me. Does Nadia know?”

“She does. I had a feeling you might respond badly to this kind of thing, and Nadia told me outright that she didn’t want me getting Lucio a new body. Honestly, I’m more worried about crossing her than him.”

Julian chuckled. “She has that effect on people. Thank you for telling me. Even if you had to have your arm twisted to do it.”

Asra gave him an obnoxious salute. Muriel seemed to be done listening to the conversation. “If you don’t have anything to add, could you leave us? We were in the middle of something.”

“Er- right, yes, of course. I’ll just- I’ll be in my room if you need me.” Before Asra could respond, Julian slunk out of the library like a scolded dog.

Asra almost laughed as the door shut behind Julian. "You didn’t have to do that.”

“He interrupted us. And he’s getting too close to you. You’re bringing your boyfriend back to life, remember? The way he’s going on-“

“I think he might’ve had something going on with Thomas, too,” Asra cut him off quietly.

Muriel stared at him for a moment. “I’m not sure which to talk about first, the fact that Thomas cheated-“

“Whoa, whoa! Wait a second! I left him, Muriel!”

“You intended to come back and make amends-“

“And he wasn’t required to accept that, if he even knew!”

Muriel seemed to grudgingly accept that. “What about the fact that Julian left him to die?”

Asra felt sick at the reminder. “That’s... that’s something for them to work through, if I’m right and they were together. But until Thomas is back and can speak for himself, I- I have to assume that it was over between us.”

“You’re rationalizing getting close to that idiot.”

"He might be an idiot but he’s a kind idiot.” Asra sighed. “I don’t know what I’m going to do about that. I can’t deny that the idea of getting close to him is... tempting. But I’m still very much in love with Thomas, and-“

“You will hurt both of you very badly if you act on these feelings, Asra.”

“I know that.”

Muriel stared at him for a moment longer before shaking his head and changing the subject. “It’s almost time.”

“Yes.” Asra ran his hands through his hair. “You’ll watch over me?”

“Of course. Your room?”

“Yes. Let’s get this over with.”


	10. Chapter 10

Asra sat on the bed, cross-legged, as Muriel sat in the desk chair. The door was locked behind them, because as much as Asra appreciated Julian's concern, he didn't want Julian walking in on him in a trance again. He was positive that Faust wouldn't hurt Julian, but he was just as positive that Faust would squeeze him again, and besides- Muriel didn't like him. If Muriel could call through the door that Asra was otherwise occupied, and Julian took his word for it, that was a bit less interaction Muriel had to have with him.

As Faust wound her way up Muriel's leg and into his lap, Asra shuffled out the Devil and set the card on the bed before him. He closed his eyes and focused on it, following the Devil's magic down into his unconsciousness, into the magical realms. As he had before, the Devil sensed him and pulled him through the realms, and Asra took a deep breath before opening his eyes to the Devil's throne room, and the Devil himself. The Devil seemed to be upset about something, and Asra hesitated to speak, unsure as to what the problem was, if it was something he'd done.

The Devil finally broke the silence. "I've made my inquiries into your... problem. I can help you. I'm not sure you'll want to see this through, though."

"I do." Asra braced himself for what was coming. "What do I need to do?"

"To begin with, you must be willing to sacrifice half of your heart."

Asra's hand went to his chest, clutching at it. "What- what exactly does that mean?"

"I don't know the effect it will have on you, unfortunately. And that isn't all I require of you, but I promise you the second half of this is far more... pleasant."

Asra wasn't sure he trusted that. "What do you mean?"

"The second component of this will be a party." The Devil sat forward, staring Asra down. "This kind of magic requires more power than you can imagine. I need you to arrange a ritual with a representative of each of the twenty-one arcana, minus the Fool. For example, you will play the part of the Magician."

Asra stared at him. "Who are the people I need-"

"That, I do not know. You'll need to track them down and gain their cooperation."

There was silence, then, as Asra processed this. "I'm not sure I can-"

"Then you won't be resurrecting Thomas." The Devil sat back. "I'm surprised _that's_ the component you've taken umbrage with. I would think that sacrificing half of your heart would be the more daunting requirement."

Asra shook his head. "No. That, I can do easily. It's mine to give, and I'd- I'd give all of it, if I needed to. But I'm not great at getting people to go along with things I have planned. I can count the people I interact with on a daily basis on one hand, and not only do I need to find nineteen other people, they have to have ties to the Arcana? What's the likelihood of all nineteen being in Vesuvia?"

"Extremely small, I should think, but your three current acquaintances meet the requirements. Try collaborating with them. Keep in touch with me regarding your progress."

With that, Asra gasped as he was suddenly back in his body, and his eyes slid open. "Well?" Muriel prompted.

"He'll help," Asra replied stiffly, the magnitude of what he was being asked weighing him down. 

"At what cost?"

"We need to have a ritual with representatives of twenty of the twenty-one Arcana, all of them minus the Fool. Why wouldn't we need the Fool?" he muttered to himself. Then, to Muriel, "He did say that I already knew three people who could help. I'm guessing that's you, Ilya, and Nadia. It's a starting point, anyway. Do you have any idea what he was talking about?"

"No, but we can investigate. But this isn't what I asked, Asra. What is this costing you?"

Asra slid off the bed, stretching. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Asra..."

"Look, this is something I have to do. It's not going to be pleasant but I have to do it. I can't let things end like this. I _can't_."

Muriel said nothing, watching Asra with sad eyes. "What are you going to do now?"

"Now," Asra said with a sigh, "I think it would be best if I rested. I need to think before I go talk to Nadia and Lucio. I'll need their help in putting together this ritual."

“Whatever you need,” Muriel said, standing and unlocking the door. “Are you certain that you don’t want to tell Lucio that you’re trying to resurrect Thomas at this point?”

“Yes. If I tell him, he won’t help me. You know he’s vindictive. If he can’t have a new body, then Thomas won’t, either. That’s what he’ll say.”

“Are you sue you need him?”

“No, but I’m not sure I _don’t_ need him. Until that’s clear, I’d rather not do something that could cause him to withdraw his support.”

“Fair enough. You should be aware that the doctor stopped by. He said he wanted to talk to you about something. I told him I’d pass on the message. I’ve passed on the message. I’m going to bed now.”

“I should go see what he wants.”

“Or you could go to sleep like you say you want to.”

“I can sleep once I’ve spoken to Julian. It shouldn’t take long”

Muriel said nothing to that, simply unlocking the door and trundling to his room. Asra watched him disappear into the guest room, wondering if Muriel was alright. He had trouble sleeping in unfamiliar places; he’d be surprised if Muriel was getting much sleep at all, being so close to Lucio. But there was nothing Asra could tell him to get him to go back to the hut, so he just had to accept it, for now.

Instead of ruminating on it, Asra went to Julian’s door and knocked softly, not wanting to disturb him if he was already asleep. He heard movement behind the door, and then it yanked open. “Asra,” Julian said, the name sounding almost reverent in his mouth. “Muriel said you were doing something magical. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine,” Asra replied smoothly. “Although I might need your help with something. I’m not sure yet.”

“Something- something magical?”

“Yes.”

Julian seemed to hesitate, but only for a moment. “I‘ll help however I can. Just warn me before we do anything magical.”

“I will. Muriel said you wanted to see me?”

Julian nodded. “Yes, I... I wanted to know if you wanted to get dinner with me tomorrow.”

Asra grinned slyly. “Are you asking me on a date?”

“No! No- ehrm- Yes? I don’t know...”

"Maybe a friendly date. If we’re going to be friends, I- I want to get to know you better.”

“Yes! Yes, quite right. So we’ll go out tomorrow?”

“Sure.” Asra’s smile turned genuine. “A friendly date sounds good- but only friendly.”

“Of- of course.” Asra pretended not to notice how Julian deflated like a popped balloon. “It’s late now. You should get some sleep.”

“You should, too. You look exhausted.”

“I call this look Doctor Chic.” Asra stifled a laugh as Julian struck a pose. As he relaxed, he said, “Seriously, go get some sleep.”

“I’m going to talk to Lucio tomorrow,” Asra said. “Will you be there?”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. Good night, Ilya.”

“Good night.”

Asra turned and went back to his room, conflicted. He was hopeful, but there was nothing about the situation that was hopeful. He had been presented with a near impossible task, and he had no idea how he was going to accomplish it.

He sank down on the bed, head in his hands. Then there was Julian. He was just about convinced that Thomas had something going on with Julian. It was none of Asra’s business, but Julian was very obviously flirting with him. Or trying to, at least. He wasn’t sure what to make of it.

Faust wound her way up Asra’s arm and around his shoulders, squeezing comfortingly, tongue flicking out at his cheek. He scratched her under her chin, thinking. He still didn’t want to live in a world without Thomas, whether Thomas was with him or not. But he had no choice- and it occurred to him then that he didn’t ask the Devil about the beetles. “Looks like I’ve got a busy day tomorrow,” Asra sighed, shifting to lay down, careful not to squish Faust. "I’m gonna try to get some sleep. Don’t get into too much trouble, if you decide to go explore.”

* * *

The next morning, Asra awoke to sunlight filtering in his windows. It was still early; he was hungry. His mind turning with everything he needed to do, he changed into clean clothes and ventured out into the palace, heading for the kitchen. Hestion greeted him, bright-eyed and bushytailed. "Asra! What can I get you? Lookin' for breakfast?"

"Yeah. Do you have pumpkin bread?"

Hestion thought about it for a second. "No, but I can make an attempt."

"I can go out into the city and get some."

"If you're sure, I don't mind trying something new."

"It's fine. Thanks anyway." Asra stuffed his hands in his pockets and left the kitchen, eyes darting around, keeping an eye out for anyone who might bother him. He wasn't exactly a morning person, didn't want to interact with anyone this early. 

He almost made it out of the castle, managing to suppress a cringe as Julian's voice rang out. "Asra! Wait up!" Asra couldn't pretend he hadn't heard him; Julian had been too loud. So he stopped and turned with a sigh, and waited as Julian came jogging up to him. "Where are you off to so early in the morning?"

"I want pumpkin bread." 

"Oooh, that's a good idea." Asra suppressed another sigh as Julian started walking, and Asra moved to keep up with him. "I'm surprised to see you up so early. You were up late last night."

He couldn't suppress a little smile. "Look who's talking," Asra retorted. "You were just as awake as I was when I went to see you."

"I, ehrm, I haven't slept, actually."

"What?"

Asra's eyes widened, and Julian held up his hands, as if warding off a scolding. "Chronic insomnia. Quite a pesky thing, it is. I'm used to it, though. I'll crash in a few days."

"Maybe we should put off our dinner date," Asra said, genuinely concerned. He'd had sleepless nights before, and always had to catch up on his sleep during the day. He couldn't fathom being awake for so long without a rest.

But Julian waved off his concern. "I'm fine. I will be for at least the rest of the day. Second wind and all of that."

"If you're sure..."

"I'm sure. You, on the other hand-"

"I sleep when I feel the need to," Asra answered him. "I slept last night, woke up on my own. I'll probably sleep in tomorrow, or take a nap today. Or something." 

"We can cancel for you, too, you know."

Asra shot him a grin. "If you're fine, I'm fine. At least I slept last night."

"Quite right!"

The pair headed into the city, Julian keeping up a steady stream of questions, some as innocuous as, "what's your favorite color?" and some as invasive as, "did you have a childhood sweetheart?"

"Thomas," Asra answered immediately, "although we weren't quite children when we met. What about you?"

Julian shook his head. "There was a lovely young woman in Nevivon, another orphan. She never reciprocated, to my knowledge. I was satisfied to admire her from a distance."

"I can relate, a little bit," Asra said wistfully. "The first time I met Thomas, I just... assumed I'd never see him again. I spent three years wishing I'd see him again, only seeing him when he came to buy things from me for the Masquerade, before I asked him out. I didn't finish getting the question out before he very enthusiastically said yes." As he spoke, tears sprang to his eyes. He fought them, his voice growing raspy and quiet as he struggled not to cry. "We were inseperable after that, until-"

Asra lost his battle, dissolving into tears. Julian pulled him to a stop and pulled him into his arms, holding him while he cried. "There's nothing I can say that will make it better," Julian said quietly, "but he spoke of you every day. Hopefully."

Asra pulled away slightly, looking up at the doctor. "There's something I want to ask you," he said, struggling to keep his voice level, but the tears were already subsiding. "Were you and he more than colleagues?" 

Julian didn't answer for several long moments. And then, "I don't know what we were, really. I cared for him more than I'd cared for another person in a long time. Sometimes it felt like there was something more, but whenever he started getting close, he would intentionally bring you up. Almost like he was reminding himself of you. Sometimes that was enough to get in the way. Other times..."

Julian's voice trailed off, and he looked almost fearful of Asra's reaction. "It's okay," Asra said quickly, wiping his eyes. "Our last argument left the state of our relationship... nebulous, at best. I wouldn't blame him if he thought it was over- and I don't blame you, either. Not for that."

"But you do blame me for something."

"I don't want to talk about that." Asra's voice was firm, and he pulled out of Julian's embrace. Julian stared at him, a certain helplessness in his gaze. Asra held his gaze for a few moments, searching, but for what, he wasn't sure. He wasn't sure of a lot of things nowadays and it bothered him immensely. Finally, he looked away. "Come on. If we get to the baker's booth quickly we might beat the rush and get there in time for the first batch."

"Right, let's go."

They started walking again. The marketplace was quiet as vendors began setting up for the day, and a few early shoppers casually browsed the goods already put out. Asra led Julian to the baker, bent over his oven. The baker turned at their approach, a wide smile spreading across his face. "Asra! It is so good to see you! I see you've made a new friend!"

Asra gave the baker an odd look. "You knew about Julian before, when I first came back."

"I did, but I know you. You don't make friends easily. I'm glad to see you with someone, anyway. I take it you’re here for some pumpkin bread and tea.”

“You’ve got it.”

“Have a seat. I don’t have lapsing souchong right now; sorry.”

“Your regular mint blend will be fine.”

Asra sat on the steps while Julian took the chair. At first, Asra thought Julian would tell him to take the chair, but he blanched at the sight of the stairs and let Asra take them without complaint. Several minutes passed in companionable silence before Julian spoke again. “This is nice. Did you do this with Thomas often?”

“Often enough.”

“The two of them were here every other morning,” the baker said with a wistful smile. “My favorite magicians. The bread is just about ready to come out of the oven, just sit tight for a few more minutes.”

“So,” Julian said, trying to fill in the silence between them. “When do you plan to talk to Lucio?”

“As soon as he’ll see me,” Asra answered, as the baker put two tin cups before them. Asra took a sip of the hot, minty liquid before continuing. “I think he’ll want to hear what I have to say, especially if I phrase it that we need to have a party. The man just can’t resist parties.”

“That is quite true, quite true indeed.”

Asra waited for a moment before speaking next, choosing his words carefully. “The Devil implied that you can help me with what I need to do. I’ll need to subject you to magic to do that. This part of it won’t be difficult. All I need to know is if you’ve got a particularly strong tie to an Arcana and, if so, which one. I just need to sweep over you with magic to do that.”

“Is it, uh, is it really that simple?” Julian was suspicious.

“This part really is that simple, I promise,” Asra replied. “We could do it right now, if you think you’re up for it.”

Julian’s eyes darted around their surroundings, and Asra could feel the anxiety coming off of him in unsure waves. He thought that Julian was going to refuse him, but Julian’s eyes settled on Asra’s again. “If it’s really that simple, then sure. Let’s get it over with.”

Asra, pleasantly surprised, stretched out a hand to Julian. He took it, and Asra closed his eyes, ordering Julian to follow suite. He could sense when Julian had closed his eyes, and started speaking. “You’ll feel my magic running through you. Don’t fight it. I won’t hurt you.”

“Well- alright, if you-“ Julian’s words cut off in a gasp as Asra send his magic coursing through him. He felt Julian stiffen, his fingers closing tighter around Asra’s, but Asra ignored his discomfort, searching through Julian’s subconscious. 

At first, Asra felt nothing. Despair welled up in him at the prospect that the Devil had been wrong, that he didn’t even have this starting point. But then something came into focus, ties of magic wrapped around Julian’s heart. Asra grabbed hold of one of those ties, gently, and followed it down further into Julian’s being. He heard Julian’s breath catch in his throat, but Asra shut it out, focusing, searching.

There! There, at the bottom of Julian’s consciousness, was a wellspring of power, untapped, buried, but present. Asra dipped into that power, feeling it course through him, strange and familiar all at the same time. An image came to mind, of a raven-headed figure, bound by red ropes criss-crossing its feathered body, and Asra immediately knew who Julian had a link to. With that knowledge, Asra released Julian’s hand, snapping back to consciousness. 

Julian was panting. “What- what _was_ that?”

“That was mostly you. You’re more powerful than you know.”

Julian took a deep breath. Shifting uncomfortably, he said, “Did you find what you were looking for?”

“I did. The Devil was right, you can help me with this. I’ll explain what I know when we talk to Nadia and Lucio.”

“Oh. Well, if you’re-“

He was cut off by the baker setting two steaming loaves of bread before them. “Here you are. Careful, they’re hot.”

“Just as they should be,” Asra said with a smile. “Thanks. Well, Ilya, time to eat.”

“And am I hungry. That took a lot out of me.”

“Well, hopefully I won’t have to do that again.”

Julian nodded, his expression carefully neutral. “Yes. Let’s eat. Don’t want to face Lucio on an empty stomach.”

Asra murmured his agreement, tucking eagerly into the bread. That had been relatively easy. Perhaps it wouldn’t be as hard as he was anticipating.


	11. Chapter 11

After breakfast, Julian and Asra headed back up to the palace. Asra noticed the furtive looks Julian kept giving him, and tried to ignore them. He had no idea what they meant, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know.

Once Asra had stopped by his quarters to get Faust and his deck, he nodded to Julian, and the two silently made their way back to Lucio’s wing. Asra held down his revulsion; he could do something nice for himself to make up for subjecting himself to Lucio again. Maybe he’d go back to the shop for a nap in his own bed.

He knocked at the door, firmly, and there was the sound of quick feet on the floor before the door opened. “Asra, Julian,” Nadia greeted. “Come in. We were just talking about you.”

“Uh oh,” Julian said, his voice mild. “It’s never a good thing when Lucio is talking about someone.”

“What were you talking about?” Asra asked curiously.

Lucio waved a hand dismissively. “Nothing important. What brings you here?”

Asra glanced at Julian; he stood by, stoic, and Asra said a little prayer that he didn’t interrupt and blow the whole secret out of the water. “I spoke with the Devil,” Asra said, “late last night. He said we needed to do a ritual.”

Quickly, Asra gave them a rundown of his conversation with the Devil, omitting that he would have to sacrifice half of his heart. Lucio didn’t need to know that- and neither did Julian or Nadia. Lucio looked intrigued. “Interesting. I wonder where we’re going to find all this people. Do you have any idea at all, Asra?”

Asra nodded. “I already checked Julian out and he can help. The Devil also said Nadia may be able to.”

“How would you find that out?” Nadia asked.

“I can do it right now. I just need Nadia to take my hand and focus on me.”

As Nadia moved to do so, Julian spoke up. “It’s an interesting sensation. You might have the urge to panic, but he knows what he’s doing.”

“I trust him,” Nadia said, taking Asra’s hand. 

Asra closed his eyes, focusing on Nadia as he had Julian, instructing her as he had instructed him. He met far less resistance, sinking down into her subconscious, seeking out the ties to the Arcana that he expected to be there. Sure enough, an image of an owl-headed woman came into focus, and he knew immediately who Nadia had ties to. He let go of her hand, taking a deep breath and smiling. "Your patron is the High Priestess," Asra told her as she opened her eyes as well. "You can definitely help."  
Lucio was practically bouncing in the bed. "Check me, now!"

"You're the one who's going to be getting the new body. We don't need to check you." Lucio whined Asra's name, and Asra, not having the patience to deal with it, went over to the bed. "Alright, fine. Give me your hand." Lucio's hand shot out, and Asra took it. He considered going out of his way to make this process as unpleasant for Lucio as possible, but put the thought out of his head as quickly as it came on. He had always had a policy of doing as little harm as possible, and he was already doing Lucio immense harm by not telling him that the Devil had refused his request. He ordered Lucio's eyes closed, and sent a shock of magic through him to convince him that he was doing something. When it felt like enough time had passed, Asra cut off the flow of magic and pulled away. "The Devil. But it doesn't matter, you have to be at the ritual no matter what."

Lucio grinned, looking mighty pleased with himself. "That was interesting! I might have to ask you to do that again in the future just for the sensation."

 _Please don't_ , Asra thought, but kept it to himself, instead giving Lucio a bland smile. "There is one other person I know to check, but other than that- I'm stuck. I have no idea how to find the remaining party members."

"Well, you better figure it out," Lucio said, and his voice was mildly threatening. "I want my new body, Asra."

Asra bit his tongue. "I'll figure it out," he said, "I promise." He knew it was a promise he was going to keep; he needed to do this to get Thomas back. "But be aware that there's a good chance that it'll take a while to do it. I'm not exactly a social butterfly, and the chances of finding everyone I need in Vesuvia are extremely slim."

"Don't worry, I've got time." Lucio laid back on his pillows, closing his eyes. "I'm tired. I want to sleep. All of you, out."

"My pleasure," Asra muttered under his breath. He knew Lucio heard it from the way he growled, low and threatening, but Asra paid him no attention as he left the room, Julian and Nadia in tow. "I have one more person to check before I need to start thinking about how to proceed," Asra told them. "Nadia, if I'm able to locate people outside of Vesuvia, can you see to it that they get messages asking them to come to Vesuvia?"

"What pretense will I ask them to come for?" Nadia asked.

"I- I don't know. Perhap just tell them the truth? That we need their help to save the count of Vesuvia-"

"If I may," Julian interrupted. All attention turned to him. "The masquerade this year was skipped because of Lucio's illness. But if we have it next year, then-"

"That will be sufficient pretense to get them here," Nadia finished his thought. "I shall discuss it with Lucio when he wakes next. Will that give you sufficient time to locate the people who must take part in this ritual?"

"I hope so," Asra replied. "It'd be what, ten months? I should be able to find everyone by then."

"Very good. Keep me informed." They headed out of Lucio's wing and Nadia vanished down the hall to her own chamber. 

Julian and Asra watched her go before Julian turned to Asra. "Are we still on tonight?"

"Of course."

"Good." Julian smiled. "I have a place in mind to go to. It's very nice, I think you'll enjoy it."

Asra nodded. "I'll need it after the day I'm going to have. I completely forgot to ask the Devil about the plague beetles, and going to his realm and dealing with him isn't quite pleasant."

"I can imagine not. Do you- do you want me there? When you go?"

"No, I'll be fine on my own. It's better if I'm alone, actually. I won't have to worry about being interrupted if everyone knows what I'm going to do." Asra sighed heavily. "This task seems impossible," he muttered. "There are so many people who have ties to the Arcana, relatively speaking, but it's extremely rare that a person actually _knows_ it. We'll have to convince them that they can do this, and magicians aren't exactly well trusted."

"No, they aren't, and it's a problem." Julian rubbed his chin. "That's why Nadia should be the one to actually reach out to these people, I think. They're more likely to accept an invitation from a countess than a magician, anyway."

"Yes," Asra agreed. "I better go get this conversation with the Devil out of the way. I'll let you know what I find."

"Sounds good. I'll find you for dinner."

"Alright. Take care."

Julian wandered off, and Asra made his way back to his room, his stride purposeful. He didn't want to do this, but he had promised to help with the plague, and this was the only thing he could think of to do. Fortunately, he didn't meet anyone else on his way, and locked the door to his room behind him. "Faust," he called out. The snake popped her head up from the blankets, and Asra smiled at her. "You know the drill, right? Stop anyone who might interrupt me."

_Squeeze!_

"I don't think Ilya will be by, no." Faust gave a disappointed noise, and Asra scratched her under her chin. "I know you like squeezing him but I told him not to interrupt me. Sorry." Faust wrapped around his wrist and arm, squeezing tightly, but not uncomfortably. Asra petted her head, then moved to release her. "Alright, keep watch for me now. Thanks, Faust."

_Help Asra!_

Asra smiled as Faust unwound from him again, and he placed the Devil card from the top of his deck onto the bed. He closed his eyes, focusing as he had before, reaching out to the Devil. This time the sense he got from the Arcana was one of curiosity, but the Devil no less eagerly pulled Asra through the magical realms to his own. "This is a surprise," the Devil said, eyeing Asra. "To what do I owe the pleasure? Surely you haven't found everyone you needed to find already?"

Asra shook his head. "No, this is different. I meant to ask last time we spoke, but I was too wrapped up in the prospect of getting Thomas back that it slipped my mind. I need to ask a question."

"You have my attention. Speak."

With a deep breath, Asra said, "As you know, there's a plague ravaging Vesuvia right now. People are dying by the thousands. I've managed to determine that the beetles that are the vector of infection aren't of the physical world, and that their source is probably a demon somewhere in our realm- but I can't tell where they come from, or who this demon is that's sending them. Do you know?"

The Devil stroked his chin. "I do know. They're the result of a deal gone bad. The mortal who made the deal has to either make good on his end of the bargain with the demon, or die. But I can't help you. It's not my deal to meddle with. That demon has a right to what they were promised."

"So if we find this mortal and make them make good on their deal-"

"You'll have better luck killing them." Asra blanched, and the Devil grinned broadly. "I've told you all I'm at liberty to tell you. I can tell you that if you continue on the path you're on now, you may see an end to the plague sooner than you think."

Asra fought down irritation warring with desperation. "In the meantime, people are dying. Are you telling me to just let them, and-"

"If you want to try to cure the plague, you can. It _is_ a magical illness, so logic would say that the cure is magical as well, would it not?" The Devil's grin grew. "Keep up your efforts and I'm sure you'll be rewarded. Now, tell me what progress you've made in this ritual."

Asra gritted his teeth at the change of subject. "I've established the links to the Hanged Man and the High Priestess," he answered, "and I think I know who can represent the Hermit, I just need to talk to him. But beyond that, I'm... stuck. I'm not sure how to proceed."

"That is a problem. One that I can help you with, I think."

"You'd do that?"

"I would. This is a deal that I want as well, so it would behoove me to help in any way I can, would it not?"

That got Asra's attention- and his suspicion. "Why do you want to help me with this? Mortals petty troubles don’t usually bother the Arcana.”

“Let’s just say I have a vested interest in your wellbeing.”

Asra stared at him for a moment, his mind turning. Then he gasped, the pieces falling into place. The Devil’s familiarity with him, a vested interest in his wellbeing. “The deal preventing harm to me- it’s with you, isn’t it?” The Devil simply grinned at him, and Asra took a step forward. “Who did it?”

“Now now, you know better than that.”

“How do I break it?”

“You don’t. It isn’t your deal to break. I wouldn’t tell you even if you could, though. I’m aware of what you did. I was forced to expend a tremendous amount of magic to keep you alive. I’m not telling a suicidal person how they can end their own lives.”

Something about this was wrong. The Devil, of all the Arcana, was not a benevolent being. There was no way the Devil was telling the whole truth. But the Arcana were incapable of lying outright. As long as there was some truth to what he was saying, Asra had to accept it, even if he knew the face value of it wasn’t to be trusted. “I understand,” he said quietly.

“I’m glad you do.” The Devil sat back. “Although it’s in my interests that you find the people for the ritual. I suppose I can help you with that. Look to Prakra, the southern steppe, and the palace.”

“Can’t you just tell me who they are?” Asra asked impatiently.

“Why, I don’t know who they are. I can only tell you where a person’s aura seems to match an Arcana’s. Believe me, this is frustrating for me as well. I want you to succeed, but the people you need are so spread out... in any event, I wish you luck, in both of your endeavors.”

Asra nodded, and closed his eyes, willing himself to be back in his body. He took a deep breath as physical sensation returned, his eyes sliding open. Faust, seeing him awake, wound up his arm and draped over his shoulders, tongue flicking out at his cheek. _Asra okay?_

Asra petted Faust, nodding absently. "I am. I have a bit more information now. I need to talk to Nadia, but that can wait. I'm supposed to meet Ilya for dinner tonight."

_Come with?_

"I get the feeling he wouldn't appreciate that very much," Asra said with a blank smile. Every time he thought about the doctor, Muriel's words rang out in his head: _You're rationalizing getting close to him_. Asra didn't need any particular motivation to get close to someone. It happened rarely enough; he trusted his gut to tell him who was safe to get close to and who to keep at a distance, but this- this was different. He felt drawn to Julian, but it wasn't an entirely pleasant sensation. He had a feeling that getting close to Julian would be very, _very_ bad, but on the other hand, he wanted to get close to him. He couldn't remember ever being this conflicted about a person before.

 _Asra okay?_ Faust repeated, insistently this time.

"I'm fine, Faust."

_No lying!_

Asra couldn't help the little laugh that escaped him. "You know me too well, Faust. But I don't know what's wrong. I like Ilya, I want to get to know him better, but at the same time something's telling me to hold back."

Faust didn't answer. He got the feeling that these concepts were too complex for her to truly understand. But she did squeeze him comfortingly, and he resumed petting her. "Come on, let me get ready for my date," he said after a few minutes, gently pulling her off of him and setting her on the blankets. He made his way to the bathroom to wash up, and changed into fresh clothes. He was getting more excited by the minute, and he didn't understand _why_. He'd set the ground rule that this was a _friendly_ date. He wasn't over Thomas, wasn't intereste in romance- was he? He was so confused and he didn't like it. He'd been confused over people like this before- he spent a good deal of time wondering what the hell was wrong with him before he realized he was in love with Thomas- but this was a _distinctly_ different sensation. 

There was no need to act on any of it, though, not until he understood it. If Julian made a move on him tonight, he'd simply remind the man that they'd agreed that this was friendly and if he ever wanted Asra to agree to future "dates" he'd back off. His instincts weren't telling him that getting close to Julian was _dangerous_ , just... unwanted. Like there was something his subconscious knew, it was at the edge of his mind, but he just couldn't bring it into focus.

He didn't have much time to ruminate on it before there was a knock on his door. He gave Faust one final scratch beneath her chin before rising and opening it. The doctor stood there, a charming smile on his face. "Are you ready to go?" he asked.

"Yes, just let me get my bag." Asra backed away and grabbed his bag from the hook by the door and slipped it over his head. "Where are we going?"

"A nice place near the palace. It doesn't have blue-tongued skink but I will be _very_ surprised if they don't have anything you're interested in."

Asra stifled a laugh. "I'm telling you, I'm not a picky eater. I will eat more than just my favorites."

Julian shot him a grin, but said nothing. The pair walked out of the palace, bypassing the carriages. "It's close enough to walk," Julian explained. 

"It's fine. I do a lot of traveling, the overwhelming majority of it on foot."

"You mentioned visiting Nevivon. Where else have you been?"

Asra sideeyed him. "Are you sure you want to hear this? I've been a _lot_ of places."

Julian grinned. "So have I. How about we share the most interesting?"

"That sounds like a good plan," Asra replied, with a grin of his own. "Let's see now..."


	12. Chapter 12

When Asra woke the next morning, he was almost surprised that he woke alone. Faust slept soundly at the foot of his bed, and he gently extricated himself and padded to the bathroom to wash his face and mouth, his mind tuning. 

His date last night had been interesting. There was no denying that. Julian was easy to talk to, if Asra let him past his defenses as he had last night. And Julian had be a complete gentleman through the whole thing, until the end of the night. Asra wanted to go back to the palace rather than the shop, let Muriel know that things had changed and he could come and go as he pleased- finally let him know- and figure out if he was needed for this ritual. Julian had walked Asra right to his door, and stood in front of it with him, awkwardly close. Asra had stiffened, knowing that Julian wanted to kiss him, and deeply conflicted about whether or not he wanted him to.

But Julian had caught onto his hesitation and settled for a hug, then disappeared down the hall and to his own room. Asra watched him go before turning in, sighing as he locked the door behind him and prepared for bed. Faust asked him how things had gone, and he gave her terse, one-word answers. _Asra mad?_ she finally asked him.

He had sighed and picked her up, putting her in his lap. "I'm not mad," he said finally. "I'm- I'm confused."

_Like tall friend?_

"Yes, I like him. Very much. I just... don't know what do do with that information." He let her climb him, squeezing his arm as he talked. "And I think I made things weird between us by tensing up when I thought he was going to kiss me."

_Kiss kiss!_ Faust flicked her tongue out at Asra's lips, and he laughed. "Yes, Faust, you can kiss me whenever you like. I can't hide in here all day, though. I have to talk to Muriel."

_Talk to big friend?_

Asra nodded absently. "About the ritual. I need to know if he can help. And I need to talk to Nadia about seeking the participants from Prakra out. Hopefully I won't see Ilya right now."

_Angry?_

"No, not angry. It's... difficult to explain. Do you want to come with to see Muriel and Nadia?"

_See big friend!_ Faust wound around his shoulders, and Asra grinned at it. "Alright, let's go."

Asra left the room, heading down the hall to where Muriel was, and knocked firmly. A second later, Muriel answered the door, glowering with all of his might. As his gaze fell on Asra, the glower dropped away, and Muriel wordlessly moved aside to let Asra into the room. 

“How are you doing, Muriel?” Asra asked.

Muriel shrugged and made a noncommittal noise. “I should be asking you how you’re doing.”

“I’m fine. I think I’ve just about convinced them that I’m not going to try to kill myself again.”

“Good. Does this mean you’re going to go home?”

“Yes. Or rather, I’ll split my time between there and here. The palace still has resources that I need, but I want to carry out my own research into the plague, and maybe into trying to bring Thomas back on my own.”

Muriel paled, his eyes wide. “You’re going to attempt necromancy now?”

“I- I guess I am. That’s exactly what I’m planning to do, isn’t it?”

“Asra, _no._ ”

“I’ll be careful-“

“ _No!_ Necromancy is forbidden for a reason! Do you want Thomas to come back as a mindless monster?”

“I wouldn’t let that happen!”

Muriel narrowed his eyes at Asra. “What has the Devil demanded of you to bring him back?”

“That has nothing to do with this,” Asra hissed, defensive. 

“It does. The only reason you’d risk necromancy is if the cost is too high. What does he want from you, Asra?”

Asra’s hand went to his chest, clutching his shirt. “The price is a ritual, and half of my heart.” Muriel sucked in a breath, and Asra cut off his protest. “I will pay it. That’s never been in question. But if I can do it on my own, then-“

“That’s not a price you should agree to. What exactly will happen to you if you do this?”

“I don’t know. I asked the Devil and he said he didn’t know. That’s why I want to try this myself. I don’t know what giving up half of my heart is going to do to me. I want my lover back, Muriel, I’m not going to put his spirit at risk. I know the magic that’s forbidden and I don’t plan to do anything that requires it.”

“I don’t know that you can avoid it.”

“I know my limits,” Asra said soothingly. “I don’t expect that I’ll succeed, so I’m going to plan this ritual while I’m doing this. To that end, I need your help, Muriel.”

“What do you need from me?”

“I need to know if you’ve got any deep ties to the Arcana.”

Muriel closed his eyes. “I do. The Hermit. You know this already.”

“I’ve suspected, but I haven’t known for certain. I don’t know what role you’ll have to play at the ritual, but will you be there?”

“Yes.” The response was more sighed than spoken. “If I can’t stop you, I’ll help you. There’s less chance of it going wrong and hurting you if I help.”

Asra exhaled sharply, relieved. “Thank you, Muriel.”

Muriel gave a grunt, finality in the noise, and Asra assumed that he was done talking about that. Confirmation came a second later when Muriel said, “I noticed you came in late last night with Julian.”

“Yes. We went out for dinner together.”

“A date?”

“Friendly, yes.”

“Are you sure about that?”

Asra frowned. “Yes, I’m sure, and before you ask, I made sure that was clear to Ilya too, before I agreed to go out with him.”

“Please be careful, Asra. You’re not yourself right now. I don’t want you to make any mistakes you’re going to regret.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Asra demanded, “Oh really. How am I not myself?”

Muriel stared at him as if he’d lost his mind. “You made an attempt on your own life a week ago,” Muriel said, once he got over his surprise. “You’re talking about necromancy as if it’s no big deal, same thing with literally sacrificing your heart-“

“ _Half-_ “

“- and you seem to be ignoring all of the warning signs that you’re getting close to someone _very_ unlike you and very likely to break your heart. Break your heart some more.”

Asra sighed. “He’s not going to break my heart, Muriel. I won’t let him.”

“Do you have control over that?”

“If I don’t let him get close to me-“

“But you are,” Muriel insisted. “You are letting him get close to you.”

Asra straightened. “Last night was a friendly date,” he repeated. “Maybe you’re right. Maybe I’m not myself right now. But you’re the one who told me to live like I’m moving on, and that’s what I’m doing. I didn’t expect that my closest friend would throw my suicide attempt in my face like that, though.”

“That’s not what I-“

Asra waved a hand tiredly, cutting him off. “I know it isn’t. I’m sorry. You’re just worried about me- rightfully. But I’m being careful, Muriel. Julian isn’t going to hurt me.”

Muriel didn’t seem convinced, and Asra wished Muriel didn’t know him so well. "I need to talk to Nadia,” he said after a moment. “Do you want to come?”

“No. I’m going to go back to bed. Wake me up if you need me.”

“I will. Sleep well, Muriel.”

Asra left Muriel then, shaken and upset by the situation. He didn’t know how much of Muriel’s objections to his growing friendship with Julian were genuine and how much were leftover jealousy from how Asra shut out everyone but Thomas. He wished he could reassure Muriel, that he wasn’t about to do that with Julian. He didn’t like him nearly enough to do that. Maybe Muriel would be alright if he just said that.

He had more important things to worry about right now, though. He was going to try to resurrect Thomas himself, but he didn’t think he’d succeed. He needed this ritual to go forward. He could cancel everything if he somehow did succeed, but for now, he was assuming he wouldn’t. He came to Nadia’s bedchamber door and knocked firmly. There was silence on the other side, and for a moment, Asra feared Nadia had been asleep. Just as he had decided to leave, Nadia’s confused voice rang out: “Come in?”

Asra took a deep breath- she didn’t sound upset, which was a relief- and opened the door. “Countess? Is it too early to talk?”

Nadia smiled at him. "It is never too early for you. What can I do for you, Asra?"

Coming into the room and closing the door behind him, Asra said, "It's about the ritual. I asked the Devil for clarification and he said that I might find some of the people I need in Prakra."

"Is that so," Nadia said, musing. "I have an idea- if I have ties to the High Priestess, might the rest of my family have ties to the Arcana?"

"It's possible. Such strong magical ties tend to run in families. Will you invite them to the Masquerade?"

"I think I will, yes. Vesuvia and Prakra have been strangers for too long, considering that I have been Vesuvia's countess for five years. Even if they don't have the ties we seek, it will be good to establish diplomatic ties, and what better way to do that than a party?"

"Thank you, Countess."

"Call me Nadia."

Asra smiled. "Alright, Nadia."

Nadia smiled back, standing and stretching. "I wanted to speak to you, as well. My birthday is approaching, and I usually celebrate it with Lucio and Julian. Would you like to celebrate it with me this year?"

Asra gave her a look. "The less I have to be around Lucio, the better, I think."

"Oh, Lucio is disinvited this year. He is too ill for alcohol and sugary desserts." She made a face. "He is too ill to come to the veranda, and I am not going to spend my birthday in his sickroom, listening to him complain the whole time."

Asra almost laughed. "Understood. I would be delighted to join you, in that case. When is it?"

"After dinner in two nights. Thank you, Asra. I'm looking forward to getting to know you better, and I see this as a first step."

"I'm looking forward to getting to know you better as well," Asra said, smiling. "I can't thank you enough for your hospitality and all of your help."

"I am the countess of Vesuvia. It's my job to assist my citizens in any way I can. And Thomas would want us to be friends, I think." 

"Yes, he would." Asra's smile turned sad. "He'd have been so eager to introduce us, if-"

Asra's heart constricted painfully, and tears sprang to his eyes. Nadia rushed over to him, sweeping him into her arms. He choked back the tears, clutching at her back as he struggled to contain his emotions. "I'm so sick of crying," he choked. "Why can't I stop crying?"

"It's only natural," she said softly. "You loved him. He's not here anymore, and we don't know if he'll ever be here again. Only time will heal that wound."

"Or bringing him back."

Nadia leaned back, her hands going to his shoulders. "I am behind you," she said evenly. "We will do all we can to do this. But you need to be prepared for us to fail. I don't know much about magic but I know that if bringing back the dead were easy, many people in Vesuvia wouldn't be in mourning anymore."

"I know," Asra murmured. "I-I know. And the Devil said one of the people I need might be found in the Southern Steppe. I don't know how I'm going to find someone from that region."

"We will work it out together," Nadia whispered comfortingly, pulling him back into her embrace. "All will be well, Asra. We have to believe that."

Asra gave a little sob, allowing himself to cry on Nadia's shoulder. She stroked his hair as he cried, whispering reassurances that he was okay, that he was safe there. When his tears had subsided, he pulled away from her, breathlessly chuckling. "I don't know how I'm going to repay the kindness you're showing me."

"Just be my friend. That's all I ask."

"I- I think I can do that. It might take me a little while to get it right... I'm not used to having friends."

"Believe me, you're not alone in those sentiments." She smiled, releasing him. "I better get started writing that letter to my family. They will need their court magician to see to checking them for ties to the Arcana- I don't know how I'm going to word it as to not alarm them."

"Maybe tell them that _your_ court magician is planning on working a powerful spell for the good of Vesuvia, and would like their assistance?"

She gasped, putting a hand to her chest in mock offense. "You mean you want me to lie to my family?" A sly grin crossed her lips. "I think I will do that. Vesuvia is darker now for lack of Thomas's light. It isn't _quite_ a lie. And it'll be a good way for us to establish good will on both of our nations' parts. If you would excuse me, I'll get to writing that letter now."

"Thank you, Nadia. I'm going to go back to my shop and keep doing research on the plague. My conversation with the Devil about that was... unenlightening. He refused to tell me anything. We have to track down the source of the beetles, otherwise bringing Thomas back might just be an exercise in futility. We don't want to resurrect him just to have him contract it and die again."

"Quite right. Good luck, Asra."

* * *

Nadia's birthday came and went, and Asra made no more progress on either of his tasks. More and more, it was starting to look like the ritual wouldn't happen. He had to figure out how to bring Thomas back to life himself.

To that end, he spent most of his free time in the library, reading up on necromancy. Dark magic wasn't something he had ever considered wielding before, and it almost frightened him that he was determined to do it now. But as Muriel had said, necromancy was forbidden, and almost all of the texts he found on the subject discussed it in theory, not in practice. It was frustrating, but not insurmountable. He had taught himself much of what he knew of magic, he could teach himself necromancy. 

He just wasn't ready to try. He wanted to be relatively sure of his success before trying, and that required quite a bit more preparation. His attention was split three ways, slowing his progress. It was maddening.

And then there was Julian.

Julian flirted with him. Often. At first he wondered if he was really doing it. Asra wasn't used to people flirting with him; he had been oblivious to it when Thomas started flirting, at first. And then he wasn't oblivious, but overly cautious. He didn't want to assume something that wasn't there.

But this- Julian was most assuredly flirting with him. It was obvious. Asra wouldn't be able to miss it even if he was still oblivious to such things. That didn't bother him. Julian was free to like whoever he wanted to. What bothered Asra was that he actually did feel something for Julian. He didn't quite trust Julian yet, wouldn't act on it, but he was so lonely, in so much anguish, that he wanted to act on it. He could almost _feel_ how kissing Julian would be. He struggled with the shame of it; he was in love with Thomas. He _was_. Yet only a few weeks after his love's death, he was ready to start kissing someone else? Absurd!

He made the mistake of telling Muriel of those feelings, once. "Then stop seeing him," Muriel advised.

"It's not that simple. We both work at the palace."

"Leave your interactions to work and work alone, and start sleeping at the shop again. You're going to have to make a decision about him one way or another, sooner or later, and the longer you go resisting it, the worse the fallout is going to be. Make that decision _now_. Tell them you're going to start sleeping exclusively at the shop."

"I... I guess I could do that. I'm pretty sure they trust me not to hurt myself at this point."

"I'm not sure _I_ trust you not to hurt yourself, but I think that means something different to me than it does to you."

Asra resisted the urge to scowl. Instead he gave Muriel a half-lidded smile and said, “I know very well what you think of what I’m planning. I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you?” Muriel pressed, urgency in his voice now. “Do you have even half of the knowledge you need to do this?”

“I do,” Asra insisted. “You want me to stop considering getting close to Ilya, this has to happen. I can’t be alone. Not like you.”

“Then come back to the hut and stay with me.”

“That’s- that’s not going to work. Not anymore.” Asra put a hand on Muriel’s shoulder. “I have a plan. Please trust me.”

“I trust you,” Muriel whispered, “but I don’t trust this magic. Please reconsider.”

“I can’t.”

Muriel’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Then be careful. Please, please be careful, Asra.”

“I will be.” Asra patted Muriel’s arm. “I need to go to the shop now. I’ll let you know how things go tomorrow.”

Muriel muttered his goodbyes, and Asra slipped his bag over his shoulder, gathered Faust up in his arms, and left the palace. He walked the entire way- it was morning, the sun was shining and there was a sweet breeze. It was a beautiful day, and he could use the time walking to solidify his plans. 

Once he was back at the shop, he settled Faust on the bed to nap, took his bag off, and went back down the stairs to the back room. Once there, he stripped the tablecloth off the table, grabbed a piece of chalk, and began drawing a sigil on the table’s surface. He would act that night, but for now, he had preparations to make. 


	13. Chapter 13

The darkness that night was all-encompassing; it was a new moon, but even the stars seemed dimmer tonight. That suited Asra just fine; he needed to move in the cover of darkness. 

The docks were almost silent, the only noise the surf on the beach and lapping against the docks and boats. Asra walked down to the end of the docks and chose a small gondola that had been only loosely tied to the dock. In minutes he was gliding soundlessly over the water, his destination getting closer and closer.

He didn’t go into the buildings on the lazaret; there was no need. He remembered where Thomas’s remains were as if he had been there only yesterday; he headed around the building to the beach where the ashes of the dead were dumped so carelessly. It still made him angry; these had been people, with hopes and dreams and loved ones. To be cremated at death and the ashes merely dumped in heaps on the beach... he supposed he couldn’t blame them too much. They were having to dispose of hundreds of bodies a day, and there was neither time nor space to give these poor people a proper burial.

That didn’t make it any easier to cope with, but Asra supposed it worked out to his favor now. If he’d needed to dig up a grave, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to do it.

He came to the patch of ash he knew was what was left of Thomas and knelt, pulling a small sack out of his bag. There weren’t very many in-tact bones; Thomas’s skull was the only one Asra could readily identify, and he placed it in the sack almost reverently. Then he got started digging through the pile, carefully this time, extracting the bones that were large enough to handle and gently packing them in the sack as well.

The whole task took him no more than fifteen minutes. He wasn’t sure there was enough of Thomas left to work this particular magic, but he would try. Silently, he rose and made his way back to the gondola, then the docks. 

If anyone saw him on his journey back, he was unaware of it. All he could focus on was the hammering of his heart, the way his hands trembled. What he was about to attempt tonight was forbidden. There was a good chance that, if he was successful, he would be forbidden from ever using magic again in Vesuvia. But that was alright. Once he had Thomas back, they could go anywhere- they could bring the shop on the road. He’d always wanted to travel with Thomas, and now he would be able to. 

He locked the shop door behind him as he entered, unwrapping his scarf from his face and taking off his coat and bag. He bought the sack into the back room, where the sigil was drawn on the table. He painstakingly laid out the bones he’d brought back, setting the skull in the center of the sigil. 

Once the bones had all been laid out, Asra stood back, breathing deep to calm his racing heart and shaking hands. He was terrified of what he was about to do, but he had to do it. If he failed, then he failed, but with the ritual being so far from being a sure thing, he had to try.

He ran through the incantation in his head a few times, making sure he remembered the correct pronunciation and order of the lines. It was in a language Asra didn’t know, and he didn’t know if it would work in common Vesuvian, or even if the translation had been as literal as it needed to be for this work.

He closed his eyes, and began speaking. At the completion of the first passage, his magic awoke, his skin tingling and his fingers itching. A feeling of dread settled over him, of wrongness, but he plowed into the second passage.

Magic crackled in the air now, and he channeled it into the bones on the table. They began to rattle with the force coursing through them, trembling as violently as Asra was. The power rushed in his head, roaring in his ears. But it was working. The bones had rearranged themselves on the table, forming a torn, incomplete skeleton. A shadow covered the bones, flickering in and out of existence.

Every joint in Asra’s body ached, and the pressure in his head was unbelievable, but it was working. Now there was a solid form around the bones, quickly losing transparency until only flesh could be seen. Asra’s breath came in harsh gasps, and every nerve in his body begged him to release the magic, but he couldn’t yet. The ritual felt incomplete. But this left him at a loss; he didn’t know what to do to complete it. He went over the spell he’d found in the sole necromantic spellbook he’d found, but he just couldn’t remember what the last words to speak were.

By then, the figure on the table was recognizable as Thomas. Asra’s hands trembled as he reached for him. He was so, so close! “Tommy,” he whispered, laying a hand on the figure’s cheek. And then he jerked away as he opened his eyes. The scleras of his eyes were pitch black, the irises red. “Thomas?” 

Thomas lunged off the table at Asra, hands going for Asra’s throat. Asra managed a yelp before the two of them crashed to the floor, Thomas’s fingers closing around Asra’s throat like a vice. Asra panicked for a second, struggling to get his fingers underneath Thomas’s, before remembering that he couldn’t be killed. He relaxed under Thomas’s touch, trying to sweep his magic over Thomas in a comforting wave. 

Too much of his magic was tied up in the spell, though, and Asra couldn’t spare enough magic for it to make a difference. He was beginning to get lightheaded- he had to get Thomas off of him before he passed out. He did _not_ want Thomas to escape him in the condition he was in. Instead he grabbed Thomas’s wrist and dug his thumb into a pressure point there, forcing Thomas to release him. He rolled out from underneath the revenant, diving for the shelf he’d left the spellbook on, eyes scanning it frantically for the words to close out the spell. 

Thomas didn’t give him time to find it, grabbing him from behind and whirling him around to face him. Long fingernails scraped down Asra’s face and eyes, eliciting a cry of pain from him. Asra shoved Thomas away and grabbed the spellbook, hoping to flee with it while locking Thomas in the shop. If he could get out of the door and ward it, he’d have the time to find the final words and cast them.

He wasn’t fast enough, Thomas grabbed him by the wrist and yanked him back. Before Asra could react, Thomas had his hands around Asra’s waist and slammed him into the wall. Asra’s head snapped back, smashing into a shelf. His vision blurred as pain sparked in his head and he dropped to his knees. His mind was fuzzy now, with pain and with the force of the magic he was holding onto, but he still could think clearly enough to know that he had to let the magic go. He had no choice. He couldn’t risk Thomas getting away from him.

Thomas pounced on him, tackling him to the floor. The breath was knocked out of Asra’s lungs, but he managed to hold onto his wits long enough to cut off the flow of magic into the spell holding Thomas there, in the physical world. Thomas disintegrated into a shower of bones and dust, and Asra swallowed hard and painfully, letting his head drop to the floor, too weak and beaten to move.

The next thing he knew, his head was cradled in Julian’s lap, Julian calling his name frantically. “Oh thank the gods,” Julian breathed when Asra opened his eyes. “What in the world happened here?”

“How did you get in?” Asra retorted. “The door was locked.”

“Yes, well, your windows aren’t very secure, and-“

“You broke in?” Asra winced as he tried to sit up. A wave of dizziness swept over him.

Julian saw it and held Asra down. “I didn’t have a choice! You didn’t show up at the palace today and we were worried. You weren’t answering the door or my calls. What was I supposed to do, just leave?”

Asra wanted to say “Yes!” But that wasn’t reasonable, given his history. Instead he closed his eyes, swallowing hard. “I’m fine,” he lied. “Just some spellwork that went awry.”

“Does spellwork that goes awry normally make a mess of your shop, give you a concussion, and scatter bone fragments all over the place?”

“I am not answering that,” Asra muttered. “And I don’t have a concussion.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Then beg.”

“ _Asra._ ” 

The hurt in Julian’s voice was almost palpable. “I’m sorry,” Asra said softly. “That was out of line.”

“Will you tell me what happened?”

“I’d rather not.”

Asra sighed, sitting up. He grimaced at the room spun and his stomach lurched. “Bad idea,” he mumbled, laying back down on Julian.

Julian seemed bemused. “Discover that concussion, did you?”

“Shut up.” Asra closed his eyes, putting his hand to them.

Julian managed a terse chuckle. “I can get you medicine from my clinic that will help a bit with the nausea. Will you be alright for a little while?”

“Yes, just help me get upstairs to bed.”

"Sure.”

Asra braced himself to stand again, then yelped as Julian scooped him up in his arms and stood. “Ilya! What are you-?!”

“Helping you to bed.” Julian sounded bemused as he carried Asra to the stairs.

“I can walk!”

“You can’t sit up without getting dizzy and I’m strong enough to carry you. It’s fine.”

Asra gaped at the man, who was doing his damnedest to ignore how Asra was staring at him. Then Asra snuggled up against him, letting himself be comforted. He did say that he wanted to be Julian’s friend. He was standoffish enough when he was well.

Julian reached the bedroom and gently deposited Asra on the bed. “I’ll be right back with-“

“Wait. If I tell you what happened, can you promise that it’ll stay between us?”

Julian nodded. “I’m listening.”

“I- I tried to bring Thomas back last night.”

Julian’s eyes widened almost comically. “I, uh, I take it that didn’t go so well.”

Asra shook his head, looking away. “No, it didn’t. I- I don’t know what it was, but I’m pretty sure the person I got wasn’t Thomas. He- he attacked me. I tried to get away, lock him in the shop so I could figure out what to do next, but I couldn’t get away.” He sighed. “I had to release the magic holding him here. I’m lucky I can’t really be harmed. He’d have killed me if he could.”

"You’re taking this much better than I imagined you would.” He sounded deeply concerned. 

"That's because now that I know it'll work, I can-"

"You do not know it'll work. It didn't _this_ time. I don't know a whole lot about magic but this sounds like it's serious business, Asra. You can't rely on magic to keep you safe."

Julian sounded like he was speaking from experience. "Why? What magic let you down?" Asra asked, trying to sound more concerned and less morbidly curious.

With a shuddering breath, Julian said, "We had a blessing for a safe voyage, the trip that I lost my family. We wrecked in a storm- I lost both of my parents, several other family members. The only ones alive, actually. The sole survivors were myself and my sister. All it takes is for magic to fail once, and you're destroyed. I don't want that to happen to you."

Julian's distrust of magic suddenly made sense to Asra. "I understand," Asra said softly. "I am one hundred percent positive that won't happen with me, but I'll be more careful. That said... I have to try to do this on my own. We don't know if we're going to be able to fulfill the ritual, and-"

Julian knelt at the bedside, taking Asra's hands in his own. "I know you want him back," he said softly. "I do, too. But you're talking about raising the dead. That's- that's not something that I even thought was _possible_. I know you said you got results last night, but what's to say that you won't get those same results every time you try? What's to say that this ritual won't produce a violent shadow of him, like your attempt last night did?"

"It's possible," Asra said firmly. "Necromancy used to be practiced much more frequently than it is now. It's banned now, but-"

"It's _banned?_ " Julian sounded aghast. "Wait, you mean to tell me what you did last night was _illegal?_ "

Asra winced. "It is, hence my desire to keep it between us. Please, Ilya, I could be jailed, or forbidden from practicing magic, or-"

"Alright! Alright. I won't say anything about it. But you need to be a _lot_ more careful, Asra. If I'd brought a guard with me, and they'd seen all the bones downstairs-"

"Bones are regularly used in other magic." Julian went pale, and Asra sighed. "I'm not helping your mistrust of magic, am I?"

"Not in the slightest." Julian stared at him for a moment before standing. "I'll be right back with that nausea cure. Stay here. Do you- uh- do you want me to clean up downstairs?"

Asra shook his head. "No, let me deal with it. I can deactivate any components that still have magic in them."

"Right- right. You're not doing that now. I'll be right back. My clinic is in the South End, so it might take me a little while. Just rest while I'm gone."

Without another word, Julian left him. Asra laid back on his pillows, staring up at the ceiling. Julian's comment about him taking it better than expected ran through his head. He _was_ taking it better than he expected. He would've thought that his failure last night would reduce him to tears, but he didn't have the slightest urge to cry. After thinking about it for a few minutes, he realized that was because it hadn't been a _total_ failure. He knew he could do it. He just had to make sure it was Thomas in the body. He didn't know what that creature was last night, but it wasn't Thomas, he was sure of that. He needed to do some research to determine _what_ it was, and until he did that, he wouldn't try again. He wasn't worried about his safety at all- he couldn't die, despite Julian's misgivings about it- but if that... whatever it was... had gotten out of the shop, other people could've been hurt or killed. That would definitely result in Asra being jailed. He wouldn't be able to rely on his friendship with Nadia or his acquaintance with Lucio to get him out of it- although he had no doubt that Lucio would _try_ to get him out of it.

Asra's thoughts scattered as he closed his eyes. He was back in the back room, facing down the demon that had attacked him last night, and- and something was wrong. Something was different. Instead of black scleras and red irises, Thomas's scleras were red, the irises bright hazel. Red veins snaked down his face from around his eyes, and Thomas reached for him, his fingers painted bright red, those same veins spreading down his arms from his hands. _Why?_ Thomas's voice was silent, but Asra heard it clearly in his head. _Why did you leave without me, Asra?_

"I- I was scared- I tried to get you to come with, but you insisted-"

_You abandoned me..._

"N-no- I never-"

_You saw that I would die in the cards. You knew that if one person in a household gets it, everyone does. You abandoned me to save yourself_.

"That's not what happened!" Asra cried. "I tried to get you to come with! I saw disaster in the cards, yes, but I didn't know it would be your death! I wanted you with me! I didn't want you to die!"

_It's not about what you want anymore, is it?_

"Asra! _Asra!"_

Asra's eyes snapped open, his chest heaving as he stared up into Julian's concerned face. "You were having a nightmare," Julian said, as Asra reached for his hands, clutching at them. "It wasn't real. Whatever you were dreaming wasn't real."

Asra stared at him, chest heaving, for several seconds. Then he leaned into him, sobbing hysterically. “Why do I keep having this dream?” he whispered through the tears.

“Tell me what you’re dreaming.”

By the time Asra was finished describing the dream, his tears had abated. Julian still held him, listening intently. “It sounds like you’re blaming yourself for his death,” Julian said quietly. "I wish I could help you- provide reassurance- but we've already told you that Thomas didn't blame you for what happened to him. I'm not sure what else we can do."

Asra put his hands to his face. "It's silly that I'm even considering it, but we made charms for small children experiencing nightmares. I wonder if one of those would work."

"It's worth a shot, if you ask me." Julian pulled a vial out of his waist pouch, handing it to him. "That should help with the nausea. I need to go tell Nadia that you were injured. Will you be alright on your own?"

Asra downed the vial and nodded. "I will be. I don't plan on moving unless I have to."

"I'll be back in the morning with food. Unless you're hungry now?"

"No, I don't think I'd be able to stomach it. We'll try in the morning."

"Very well. Er- Faust? Are you there?" Asra watched in bemusement as Faust's head popped up from the blankets beside Asra, tongue flicking. Julian's gaze flicked between her and Asra a few times before he spoke again. "Do you- ah- do you know the way to the palace? Can you get me if Asra needs me?"

After a moment, Asra nodded. "She says she knows the way. It might take her a while to get to you, though."

"Hopefully not too long." Julian stood. "Just relax and try to sleep. If you feel up for it try moving around a little in the morning, but don't push yourself."

"Let me give you a key," Asra said softly, reaching for his bag with a groan. "The last thing either of us needs is one of my neighbors to fetch the guards if they see you breaking in again."

Julian's face flushed, but he gave Asra a dopey grin as Asra handed the key over to him. "Right, well, until tomorrow, then. Rest well, Asra."

"Thank you."


	14. Chapter 14

Julian nursed Asra back to health as well as he could. There wasn’t much he could do for a concussion but order Asra to rest, which he did. 

After another day, Asra went downstairs to clean up the mess he’d made. The first thing he did was gather the bones that had survived the resurrection attempt. Despite Julian’s misgivings, Asra fully intended to try again. He just wasn’t sure what spell to use. The one he’d tried had been the most simple one he could find, and he suspected it didn’t work because he didn’t have Thomas’s full skeleton. He’d hoped that having his skull would be enough; it obviously wasn’t.

Not many of the bone fragments survived the spell. The one that survived the best was the skull, which Asra carefully cleaned and set on a shelf in the back room. He was loathe to get rid of it; it was all Asra had of Thomas anymore, and he was almost positive that any attempt to get Thomas back needed that skull.

Muriel came to see him on the third day, much to Asra’s surprise. “Why are you surprised?” Muriel wanted to know. “Did you think that Julian wouldn’t tell me what happened?”

“How much detail did he go into?” Asra asked nervously.

“Enough to know that you’re still playing with forces you shouldn’t be.” Muriel’s gaze was drawn to the skull in the corner. He stared at it, then looked away. Asra could tell he knew what it was. “You’re keeping his bones now?”

“You know as well as I do that I need them.”

“Please stop this. I’m afraid for you. Necromancers who knew what they were doing have destroyed themselves on this magic. If you didn’t have an Arcana’s intervention when you tried this-“

“But I did. I can experiment safely-“

“You ended up with a concussion that knocked you out for an entire day!” Muriel exclaimed. “You call that ‘safe?’”

“Safer than others can try. Not many people can claim to have the protection of an Arcana.” Asra couldn’t help the bitter note in his voice.

Muriel was quiet at that. “You’re making a mistake,” he said finally. “I don’t know how I can convince you of that, but you are. I’m begging you. Stop this.”

“I can’t. You don’t understand.”

"You’re going to destroy yourself, Asra.”

Asra looked up at him, defiant. “If that’s what I have to do. It’s my fault he’s dead. If I had convinced him to come with me-“

Muriel cursed. “It’s no one’s fault he’s dead! Least of all yours. He made his choice!”

“And I’m making mine now. You said you’d support me, Muriel.”

“I’ll help with the ritual. I want you to stop trying to do this on your own. I don’t know what losing half of your heart will do to you. But I’m more afraid of what necromancy will do to you. Magicians have gone insane because of it.”

“I promise you, I’m not going to go insane.” Muriel just sighed and brought over the tea he was making. Asra watched him, feeling badly, wishing there was something he could say to reassure him.

In a week, Julian gave Asra the okay to move around again. He went with Julian to the palace, where they were promptly summoned by Nadia. “Asra,” Nadia said with a smile, standing. “It is good to see you up and about again. We were all worried about you.”

“Sorry for making you worry. It was just some spellwork that got out of control.”

"Mm. Julian told me. I’m surprised. You don’t seem like the type to let your magic get away from you.”

Asra flushed. “Yes, well- it was powerful magic I’d never used before. I don’t know what went wrong, but I know I won’t try again until I know. For all I know, that was my only shot.”

“Oh? Why would it have been your only shot?”

"There were components that were... unique to the spell. They were partially destroyed when the spell failed."

"I see. What were you trying to accomplish."

Asra swallowed hard. "I'd rather not say, Nadia."

"Very well, I was just curious." She smiled. "I'm sure you two are wondering why I called for you the moment I was told you were in the palace."

"A little curious, yes," Julian answered.

"I would like to take a sojourn to my summer palace," she answered. "We've all been working hard, and with Asra's recent injury and Lucio's illness, I think it would do the two of them some good. It is only a day's journey south along the coast."

"I assume that's by carriage?" Asra asked.

"Indeed. It would hardly do to have you walk all that way in your condition."

Asra thought about it. "The thought of being stuck in a carriage with Lucio for a whole day is..." His voice trailed off.

"Unpleasant, I know. But honestly, he sleeps most of the time. If we can get him to sleep through the journey, there shouldn't be a problem, correct?"

"I suppose that would solve the problem, yes." Asra managed a smile. "It sounds exciting. When are we leaving?"

"Tomorrow, I figure. Will that give you enough time to prepare?"

"It should for me." Asra looked to Julian, and Julian nodded his agreement.

Nadia smiled back. "Very well. We will leave tomorrow. You may return to your shop whenever you're up for it to prepare. I know you just arrived. You probably want to rest for a few hours, at least."

As Asra nodded, Julian said, "I'm going to go check on Lucio, make sure he's up for travel. Has he been told of our plans yet?"

"Not yet. I wanted to make sure you wanted to go before I told him and got his hopes up. I shall join you to tell him. We'll see you for lunch, Asra?"

"Absolutely. See you then."

Julian and Asra took their leave of her, heading back to the library. "You're going to love it at the summer palace," Julian said, sounding the most excited Asra had heard him since they met. "It is _gorgeous._ The view of the ocean is beautiful, and they have a spa I'm sure you'll enjoy immensely."

"Sounds good," Asra replied, feeling a little twinge at the description. It sounded like somewhere Asra would've liked to take Thomas. "Meet you at the library?"

"Ah, yes, I should check on Lucio as I said I would, shouldn't I?" Julian sighed. "I was looking forward to a day without him yelling in my ear to make him comfortable. Will you wait for me to be done with Lucio to go back to the shop?"

"Yes, of course. I want to do some research into why my spell went wrong, maybe find a different one."

"I wish you wouldn't." His voice was soft, almost wistful.

Asra gave him a hesitant smile. "I've been doing this all my life. I know what I'm getting into."

"If you say so. Good luck with your research."

Asra watched as Julian walked away before turning towards the library. He went right to the shelf where he found the necromantic text he'd pulled the spell from. Pulling the book out of his bag and replacing it on the shelf, he glanced over the other titles nearby. He browsed until a title caught his attention, pulled the book from the bookshelf, and went to his pillow pile to read it.

He wasn't alone there long. "I have good news," Julian said cheerfully as he swept into the library. "The Count is too ill to move. He will be unable to accompany us to the summer palace."

Despite Asra's relief, he asked with a smirk, "That's _good_ news, doctor?"

"Good for us. I need a break from him, as I'm sure all of us but you do."

"Hey, I can always use a break from him."

"You've barely interacted with him," Julian protested mildly, "which he has noticed, by the way."

"Look how much I care." Asra turned his attention back to the text in his hands, then snapped it shut. "Now that I've gotten the good news, I think I'll head back to the shop and make sure I'm packed up for this trip. How long will we be there?"

"No more than a weekend, I assume. It's entirely up to the countess, though. If she says we're staying longer, then we're staying longer."

"I can't leave Faust alone on an assumption. She's going to have to come with us."

Asra almost laughed at the look on Julian's face, but he belied his dread with his words: "Oh, of course. I don't think that was ever in question. Nadia knows how important she is to you."

"Oh? I don't think they've ever actually met."

"They haven't, but I've told her of her. I suggest you introduce them tomorrow morning- and warn Nadia that Faust is... strong."

This time Asra did laugh. "I'll tell Faust to behave," he reassured him. "She won't be squeezing anyone, I promise."

"I- er- good. Good. It will be nice to be around her and not be afraid that she's going to squeeze the life out of me."

"She would never do that," Asra said, standing. "I'll see you tomorrow morning."

"We'll come get you," Julian said warmly. "Have a good night, Asra."

"See you."

* * *

Asra flopped down on the bed in the summer palace, his mind in turmoil. After his compass pointed directly at him when Julian used it... Well, he couldn't pretend his desire wasn't reciprocated, in any event. He just didn't know what to _do_ about it.

Fortunately he had his own room in the palace, and he had retreated there after dinner. They had arrived quite late because of Julian's mishap with the compass, and Asra had had enough socializing over the last two days to last him quite a while. Normally he was fine around other people, but cooped up in a carriage with no breaks? It was starting to grate on him when they finally arrived at the palace.

Asra rolled over onto his back, fingers interlocked behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. He had slept through most of the second day in the carriage- he hadn't slept well at all in the run-down inn they had stayed at after Julian's error had been discovered- and he wasn't the slightest bit sleepy now. Nadia had retired to her room as well, but Julian said he was going to get some drinks by the pool. Asra debated going down there after him. He'd had more than enough socializing, but...

_Asra okay?_

He scratched Faust's head idly. "I'm okay," he told her. "Just... bored. I know Nadia has things planned for us tomorrow, but I'm not sleepy. I was thinking about going down to have some drinks with Julian."

_Be careful._ Faust's tiny voice sounded cynical. Asra chuckled, sitting up and stroking her. "I know how to handle myself around alcohol."

_Doubt_.

"Oh come on, when have I ever been irresponsble when drinking?" A flood of emotions and memories intruded on his mind, and he laughed in surprise. "Alright! Alright, I'll be careful. You stay up here and enjoy the plush bed."

_Plush!_ Faust wound her way under the pillows. Asra made a mental note to remember that she was there, that he shouldn't put his head down until he knew she wasn't anymore, and got up and headed down to the pool.

The area was lit up with fairy lights, casting colorful, ephermal ripples in the water. It wasn't busy at that time of night; other than Julian, who Asra saw immediately, there were only a couple important-looking people sitting at a table on the other end of the pool. Asra went to Julian's table and slid into the open chair. Julian watched him the whole time, sipping a stein of beer. "I didn't expect you to come down for drinks," he said mildly. "It just seems like something you'd want to avoid."

"Why would I want to avoid it?" Asra flagged down a waiter and asked for a glass of white wine. 

As the waiter retreated, Julian shrugged. "I don't know. You just don't seem like much of a drinking person to me."

"I don't drink often."

"What's the special occassion?"

"There's nothing else to do that I can see." Julian's mouth twitched as he glanced back at the pool and Asra shook his head. "I'm not going swimming right now."

"But you would be interested in swimming later, perhaps?"

"Perhaps."

"I know you enjoy being in water. I'm never going to forget how you convinced us to take a dip in the fountain."

"I had to do _something_ to cheer Nadia up." Asra accepted his glass of wine with a sheepish grin at Julian. "You had as much fun as we did. Admit it."

"I never denied it," Julian chuckled, raising his stein. "To a nice, relaxing weekend."

Asra repeated the toast and raised his glass, then took a sip of the wine. It was sweet, almost tasted like candy. It was quite a bit sweeter than Asra normally liked his wine, but it was tasty, and he had another sip. "So, how did Lucio take being told that he was being left behind?" 

"Oh, you know. How dare I, have I forgotten who he is, if he can't go then none of us can. In the end he begged me to stay behind because I'm his physician, and without me the distinction falls to Valdemar. No one wants Valdemar to be their physician. I told him that he could try to tell Nadia she couldn't go, but that I wasn't responsible for her reaction, and as for not wanting Valdemar near, why, he only had to try to deal with the symptoms rather than demanding immediate relief."

Asra hid a smile behind his hand. “Isn’t that a little harsh? The plague’s symptoms are extremely painful- or so I’ve been led to believe.”

“They are. Ordinarily. Somehow Lucio is only in pain when he wants sympathy. He turns that on and off like a switch. He’ll go from demanding something I can’t give to simpering and whining like he’s never experienced worse pain in his life, then when he realizes that I still can’t give him what he wants, he’s nasty again. Granted, I do try to give him what he wants, but sometimes...” Julian sighed. "I just wish he’d stop taking it out on me. I know I’m failing him, but-“

“You aren’t failing him,” Asra said gently. “If this were easy to cure, it’d be over by now. You’re doing your best.”

“My best isn’t good enough, then.”

"It’s a magical illness. You’re not a magician.”

“You have your theories, I have mine.”

Asra took another sip of his wine. “Oh? What’s your theory, then?”

“It’s a blood infection. Why do you think I spend so much time researching the effects of leeches on patients?” Julian made an unhappy noise. "But they aren’t big enough for them to really have an effect. If there was a way for me to transfer healthy blood to a person...”

“Now that sounds impossible. And you’re back to square one with it.” Asra put down his wine glass and leaned forward. “We’re here to relax, though, not agonize over the plague.”

“You’re right.” Julian smiled at him. “So, are you sure there’s no chance I can get you into the pool?”

Asra chuckled and picked up his glass again. “Let’s see how I feel about it after I’ve had a few. For now, tell me about Nevivon. I’ve only been able to stay a day or two when I’ve gone. What was it like growing up there?”

Julian’s smile turned into a grin. “Oh, I think I have a few stories to tell. Let’s see...”

* * *

Julian didn’t get Asra into the pool, but that was purely because Asra ended up too drunk to be trusted in the water. Julian helped him to his room now, arm slung over his shoulder as Asra stumbled around, laughing at nothing every once in a while. "What's so funny?" Julian asked, amused.

"You're- you're so _tall_." Asra giggled again. 

"Yeah, you've had too many."

"Nonsense. I only had- I only had four glasses, and-"

"And I think I should've stopped you at two."

"You're no fun."

"I'm plenty of fun, I just prefer to be sober when I have fun."

Asra pulled away. Julian kept a firm hold on him, though, fearing he'd topple if he let go. Asra smacked him on the arm. "You drank _twice_ as much as I did!"

"Apparently I hold my liquor better than you. Come on, we're at your room."

Still giggling, Asra pulled away- gently this time- and reached into his pocket for the key. He fumbled it twice before getting a firm grip on it, and then failed several times to insert the key in the lock. Julian gently took the key from Asra, scoring a pout that made Julian blush, it was so cute. Julian did his best to put it out of his mind as he unlocked the door and put his arm around Asra again, helping him into the room. 

He led Asra to the bed and sat him down, then knelt to take off Asra's boots. "Oh, so chivalrous," Asra said, his voice lightly taunting.

"Can't have you passing out in your boots."

"You can help me with the rest of my clothes if you like."

Julian froze, one boot half-off. "I- er- what?"

Asra giggled, reaching down to put his hand under Julian's chin and tilt his face upward. "Better yet, I can help you with _yours_ ," Asra said, in a voice that Julian thought was him trying to be sultry. It just sounded _drunk._ He opened his mouth to protest. His words were muffled by Asra lunging forward with surprising dexterity and pressing his lips to Julian's. Julian kissed back frantically, but only for a moment before putting his hands on Asra's shoulders and pushing him away. "You are _so_ drunk," he said, his voice tight with a combination of concern and desire, "and you're going to regret that in the morning."

"That's a problem for the morning."

"No, it's a problem for _now_. I can't- I'm not going to sleep with you when you're drunk, Asra."

"I'm not that drunk," Asra protested, sounding offended. 

"You _are_ that drunk. If- If you still feel this way in the morning, then yes, I- I want you. But not like this."

Julian could see in Asra's face that he was getting upset, and that was something he didn't want. But as Asra was about to continue to argue, Faust peeked out from under the pillow, and rushed with speed Julian didn't know she was capable of, winding around Asra's waist and arm, squeezing hard. Asra's gaze snapped to her, her tongue flicking out at him wildly. He stared at her, and for a moment, Julian was afraid that Asra either didn't understand her. But then Asra's shoulders slumped. "You're right," he said finally. "I'm sorry, Ilya."

"You- you don't have to apologize," Julian said, resuming his task, getting first one boot off, then the other. "Come on, into bed with you. Do you- uh- do you get hangovers? I have a lovely recipe for a hangover cure. It works wonders. Asra?" He had been speaking as he was helping Asra maneuver into a laying position, and all the tension left Julian's body as he saw that Asra had fallen asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. Faust was extricating from him. "Thank you," he said, running a hand down his face. "I don't know what I would've done if he kept pressing me."

Faust didn't respond but for her tongue flicking out at him, but he could imagine what she was saying- she did it for Asra, or _you're welcome_ , but of course, he couldn't understand her. "Take care of him," he said softly, stood, and made his way out the door, closing and locking the door behind him. He exhaled sharply, then made his way to his own room, putting it out of his mind before he had a chance to regret turning Asra down.


	15. Chapter 15

Asra almost didn't want to go down for breakfast the next day. Only part of it was the headache. He could tolerate that. But he couldn't tolerate the fact that he'd made an utter fool of himself last night. Julian had been completely right, he regretted everything about the end of the night, coming onto Julian like that, kissing him- he didn't know how he was going to face him now that he'd gotten the man's hopes up. He simply wasn't interested in a romantic relationship. That was Thomas's realm, and no one else's. 

_But Thomas isn't here_. 

"Shut up," Asra muttered at the thought, rolling over and pulling the pillow over his head. Faust responded immediately; he felt her comforting weight on his back, snaking up to his neck and poking her head underneath the pillow beside him. _Asra okay?_

"Apparently not," he answered with a sigh. "Thank you for stopping me last night, Faust. The situation is awkward enough with what I actually did. I can't imagine how much worse it would've been if we actually _did_ do that."

_No drinking_.

Asra sat up on his elbows, knocking the pillow askew and looking down at his familiar. "Who told you to talk to me like that?" he demanded, a smile playing on his lips.

_Asra_!

"Oh did I?"

Faust nuzzled in close, and repeated her plaintive plea: _No drinking_.

"Oh, I'm done drinking for this trip. And I'm going to be very careful about doing it around Ilya in the future." He sighed, laying down again. "Ilya's right, I really can't hold my liquor."

_Hangover?_

"That's right, he offered me a hangover cure before I passed out. I guess I should go face the music and get that cure from him. It's not too bad but if it can take this headache..." He sighed and rose, wincing as the motion caused a sharp pain in his head, and stood still, breathing in deeply until it passed. He washed up and changed into clean clothes, then encouraged Faust to climb into his bag and slipped its strap over his head. Feeling a bit more human, Asra left the room, locking it behind him, and heading down to the pool area for breakfast.

Nadia and Julian were already there; as Asra joined them, Julian flushed and looked away, coughing awkwardly. "Good morning," Asra said, subdued.

Nadia's gaze flicked between the two of them, sipping a mimosa with an intrigued look on her face. "Good morning to you, too. Julian tells me you had quite an evening."

"Yes, well- he stopped me from getting into the pool when I was too drunk to stand up straight on my own. I owe you an apology for my behavior, by the way, Ilya."

"You don't owe me an apology." Without meeting Asra's gaze, he pulled a vial from his pouch and handed it to him. "Here. That should help with any hangover you have."

Asra murmured his thanks and uncorked the vial, downing the contents. He set the empty vial back on the table, and awkward silence descended. 

Nadia seemed amused by this. "It seems to me that this awkwardness is a bit thick for simply having drank too much and needing an escort to bed," she said mildly. 

Grateful that Julian had kept Asra's conduct last night confidential, he said, "Don't worry about it. We should- we should talk, but it's nothing to worry about."

"If you say so." Nadia set her glass down and ate a bite of her breakfast.

Julian met Asra’s gaze for the first time that morning, and said softly, “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. We can just forget it happened.”

Relief flooded Asra. “That might be for the best. I’m sorry.”

Julian couldn’t stop the disappointment from reflecting on his face, but he nodded and said, “Consider it forgotten. Do you want something to eat?”

“Yes, I think that might help. I don’t usually have hangovers. I wonder why I do this time.” 

“How much did you drink?” Nadia asked.

“Only four glasses of wine.”

“Interesting. Not much of a drinker?”

Asra gave her a wavering, embarrassed smile. “No, I tend to prefer tea or water. I am sorry about this. I made a fool of myself last night. I promise I won’t make a habit of it.”

“You didn’t,” Julian said insistently. “It’s alright, no harm was done. I promise you I’ve done a hundred times worse when I’m drunk. Last night was nothing. Please just forget about it.”

“The doctor is right,” Nadia said. “I’m not sure what happened last night but I’ve had to bail Julian out of prison following his drunken escapades. If there was no property damage or people hurt, it’s fine.”

Asra hunched over, the attempts at making him feel better having the opposite effect, and he didn’t know why. _You know why,_ he thought viciously, _and you’re just going to ignore it like a fool._

Yes. Yes, he was going to ignore it. Kissing Julian had betrayed Thomas enough. Instead of saying anything, Asra flagged down a waitress and asked for some buttered toast. It wouldn’t be pumpkin bread, but it would do to settle his stomach.

* * *

The rest of the trip was uneventful, for which Asra was intensely grateful. He couldn’t help but notice that Julian spent it trying to get close to him; perhaps the drunken kiss wasn’t as forgotten as Asra had hoped.

Despite his misgivings, Asra didn’t push Julian away. He was lonely, and Thomas wasn’t there. Thomas was coming back, of that he had no doubt, but Julian had been nothing but kind to him, and even more importantly, hadn’t taken advantage of Asra’s defenses being down. Julian’s words echoed in his head every time he thought about it: _not like this._

He was darkly curious: what circumstances _would_ Julian sleep with him in? He got the feeling that he wouldn't need to press Julian very hard to seduce him, and the thought intrigued him. He had very limited experience with romance- Thomas was his only romantic partner- and he normally had a very hard time getting close to people. He didn't trust easily, and he didn't let people get close to him. But he'd gotten close to Julian quickly, and while he wasn't actually open with him, Julian seemed pretty open himself. 

And he _was_ lonely. If he could have a companion, even temporarily...

The problem that stopped Asra from pursuing Julian was that he got the sense that Julian was looking for more than just companionship, he was looking for love, and that was something Asra wouldn't- _couldn't_ give him. Thomas _was_ coming back, and even if he wasn't, when he'd told Thomas it was forever, he'd meant it. He doubted that Julian would willingly go along with a relationship that was purely physical and would end the moment his competition was back in the picture.

And the fact that Asra was positive Julian had a relationship with Thomas complicated things more. Asra wanted Thomas alive no matter what, but he had to be prepared for Thomas to tell him that it was over, and he was. But would that put _Julian_ in a bad position, of needing to chose between Asra and Thomas? The fact that Thomas wasn't gone forever was complicating things immensely. 

But just as Asra decided to keep it simple, and keep it just friends with Julian, Julian would do something for him. Sometimes it was as simple as bringing him pumpkin bread in the morning. Other times, it was a romantic dinner. Julian never seemed to expect anything from him, but Asra couldn't fight the sensation that every time Asra was careful to keep it just friends, Julian was disappointed. 

All the while, Asra's resistance to Julian's gentle overtures was weakening. If he didn't actively discourage it, and soon, he'd have a problem on his hands.

And then there was his research into the guests for the Masquerade. He established that there was a participant in Nevivon- he suspected that it was Julian's sister, as such ties tended to run in families- but he had no way of identifying her, and Julian flatly refused to tell him anything about her. "I'm not getting her involved in this," Julian finally said, directly shutting him down. "Can't you find someone else to do this?"

“I can, I think, but it would be much easier to invite the people I’m aware of.”

Julian shook his head slowly. “I really don’t want to get her involved in this. I’m sorry, it’s just too dangerous.”

Asra’s shoulders slumped. “Fair enough, I suppose. It’s starting to look like this ritual isn’t going to happen. We haven’t heard from Nadia’s family, I can’t find this person from the Southern Steppe... and I have to interview the courtiers.” He made a face. “I might just try again on my own.”

“Don’t, please.” Julian’s voice was weary, as if he were exhausted by worry. “Remember what happened last time. I don’t want to see you get hurt over and over again.”

“What else am I supposed to do?”

Julian stood and went to him, putting his hands on Asra’s shoulders. “Let him go,” he said quietly. "I knew him quite well and this is not what he would want for you.”

“What he would want doesn’t factor into this.” Asra had tensed, resisting the urge to yank away from him. Julian knew him quite well, did he? “He isn’t here. He doesn’t have to deal with this grief. I do. And I knew him well enough to know that he didn’t want to die.”

“Does anyone who dies of the plague?” Julian challenged. “You’re tormenting yourself by doing this and it’s devastating to watch. Please stop.”

“You don’t understand.” Asra shook him off and walked across the library, to the necromantic books. He touched their spines, thinking hard about his next words. He wanted Julian to understand. He just didn’t know how to get him to do so. “If something happened to your sister, and you could undo it, would you?”

“Leave her out of this.”

Asra was almost smug at the hard tone the words were spoken in. He turned back to Julian. “You would, wouldn’t you? I can undo what happened to Thomas. I may not know how I’m going to do it, but I’m going to. I don’t care what it does to me as long as he gets his life back.”

Julian looked like he was about to crack into pieces. "Does it matter to you that I _do_ care what it does to you?" he demanded weakly. "Asra, I care about you. Deeply."

"You barely know me."

"I don't think that's true. Especially not now. You've been holding me at a distance, yes, but you've let me get close to you a few times and what I've seen of you in those moments is incredible. I know you're in pain. I am, too. But you're not letting yourself grieve. Until you do-"

"I'm not letting myself grieve because it isn't over," Asra insisted. "Once I've exhausted all of my options, maybe I'll grieve. Maybe you're right, this is impossible, and I'm just hurting myself. You don't understand. He was all I had for a time, and-"

"And you have _us_ now," Julian argued. "I just want you to feel as loved as you are-"

"You have to understand something," Asra cut him off. Julian immediately quieted. "Lucio killed my parents when I was a child and then led me to believe he had my best interests at heart for _years_ until he needed to use that fact to blackmail me into doing his bidding, or else my only friend would meet their fate. I lost Muriel to the coliseum for several years. Thomas's aunt strongly disapproved of our relationship and did her best to drive me away, while playing innocent about it towards Thomas. From the time I was a small child until now, Muriel and Thomas were the _only_ people I could trust. You and Nadia are neither Muriel nor Thomas. I'm trying, but you need to do more than just tell me you're my friend and take me out to dinner every other night."

"And what would you have me do?"

"It's not that simple."

Julian cursed under his breath, running his hands through his hair. Then he looked up at him again. "I can't make you trust me," he said finally, "but you know I'm right about this, otherwise you wouldn't have framed it as not caring what happens to you. I don't know what I need to do to convince you that I _do_ care, other than say it. I care more than I want to at this point. I'm _begging you_ , Asra. Think about this just a little bit harder than you are right now." He took a step closer, an odd look on his face, and then a second, and a third. "What the hell," he muttered under his breath, crossed the distance between them in a couple long strides, and swept Asra up into his arms, kissing him firmly. Asra stiffened as he did so, resisting the urge to kiss him back. 

It took a few moments for Julian to realize the gesture wasn't appreciated the way he'd hoped before pulling away. Asra backed up a step and took a deep, ragged breath, not meeting Julian's gaze. "I have to go," Asra said in a low voice. 

"Where?" Julian asked, dread in the word, as if he knew he'd taken things a step too far.

"I don't know. I just- I don't know." Without giving Julian time to respond, Asra turned and hurried out of the library.

His feet led him out of the palace and into the gardens. It was pouring out, and Asra's heart was hammering in his chest, his breath coming in short, painful gasps. He only registered the drenching rain once he was in the middle of the garden, and stopped, face turned up to the sky. He wanted to cry, but the tears wouldn't come. He'd spent the last two months wishing that the tears would stop, only to want them back the moment he was cried out. He was so confused over _everything_ that was going on between him and Julian. He didn't even know what it was anymore. All he knew was that there was _something_ there, and it was getting harder and harder to push the doctor away. 

Asra wandered through the rain for a few minutes, coming to stop in front of his favorite tree to nap under. People rarely bothered him when he was out here, in the garden, far less than when he was in the library. He put a hand on the tree trunk, the branches of the willow sheltering him from the storm outside. 

He leaned against the tree, crying out into the storm. “Tommy! What am I supposed to do?!”

Nothing but the pouring rain answered him. Asra stared at the tree, willing Thomas’s spirit to come to him. The seconds ticked by, and nothing happened but for more rain. Frantic to do _something,_ Asra raised a shaking hand to the bark of the tree. Magic leapt to his fingertips, and before he knew what he was doing, he was boring into the tree with his magic, carving out his pain and confusion in a single word: _Thomas._

Once the name was carved into the tree, Asra put his hands over it, and again willed Thomas to come to him, to do something, _anything_ , to tell him what he should do. Silence answered him, and he finally broke down in tears, crying the name over and over. 

As the rain petered off, so did Asra's cries. He didn't anyone to hear him, but his crying fit had left him exhausted. He knelt at the foot of the tree as the sun began to peek out from behind the clouds. He felt silly now. Of course Thomas wouldn't answer him. Thomas was _dead_. Asra believed in spirits, but he was no spirit worker- and he was no necromancer, for that matter. He was acting blindly, desperately. He needed to stop that if he wanted to make any progress at all. 

He stood, wiping his face with one hand, and then stiffened when he heard Julian behind him: "You're soaked! You're going to catch a cold if we don't get you into clean clothes." 

Asra turned to him slowly. "How much did you see?"

"I came out when the rain stopped. I was... hoping to take a walk to clear my head." Julian looked away. "I- er- I'm sorry. I had no right-"

"It's alright. It's no worse than what I did."

"I think we should talk, at this point."

Asra shook his head. "There's nothing to talk about. Thomas is coming back. One of us isn't going to be single anymore when that happens. I'm not going to deny that there's a physical attraction but that's _all_ it is- and I don't think you want that."

Julian sighed heavily. "Regardless, you still need to get out of those wet clothes before you catch a cold. Come on. I wasn't supposed to say anything but Nadia was having an outfit made for you. Maybe it's done."

Asra's face flushed, but he went to Julian. "She didn't have to do that."

"She likes giving people things. It's her love language, as the case may be. And she's quite fond of you."

"You two have known me a matter of two months. I still don't believe you're as fond of me as you're saying you are."

"Believe it. I get attached to people easily, and Nadia really has heard plenty enough about you to feel like she knows you, between Thomas and Lucio. Even before Thomas came to the palace, she wanted to meet you. Lucio always put off her requests for him to summon you to do so. Hearing what you've had to say about the man, he was probably afraid you'd ignore him. I know I would have, given your circumstances."

"I would have," Asra admitted softly. "I might not have ignored a message from Nadia, though. I was wary of her because of who she married, but you were right, she's nothing like Lucio. I wonder why she stays with him."

"She stays with him now because it's only a matter of time before he's gone. She doesn't like him, but she's not cruel."

By then, they were back in the palace, and Julian took Asra to his room. "Let me go ask Nadia if we can give you your new outfit now. If not, I'm sure we have something that will fit you. You're not too much shorter than Lucio."

Without waiting for Asra to respond, Julian left the room. "I'm not wearing Lucio's clothes!" Asra called after him. He wasn't sure if Julian heard him or not. Sighing, he sat down on the wooden desk chair to wait.


	16. Chapter 16

An hour later, Asra sat in the parlor in his new outfit. He had to admit, Nadia’s taste was impeccable. His silk shirt was a watercolor of complementary colors. It was loose and breathable, and cinched at the waist over plain muted blue breeches. It wasn’t his usual style, but he had to admit, he felt good in them.

Julian sat on the love seat across from him, a blush across his face. Asra knew he wanted to talk about their attraction, but Asra genuinely didn’t want to. He wanted to pretend everything was alright, that they hadn’t kissed twice now. He regretted not kissing Julian back and it infuriated him.

But he wasn’t going to discuss that with Nadia. He wondered if Julian had asked her advice; her gaze flicked between them, interest in her crimson eyes.

But when she spoke, it was an entirely different subject. “How do you like your outfit, Asra?”

“It’s beautiful, Nadia. Thank you.”

“Thank you for wearing it. I intended it to be a birthday present, but I had no way of discovering your birthday.”

She paused, as if waiting for Asra to tell her what his birthday was. He merely nodded, keeping quiet. That detail was a mite too personal for him. He was learning to trust her- and Julian- but he wasn’t quite there yet.

She seemed amused by his silence, and instead of pressing him, she took on a serious expression. “I’m afraid I have some unfortunate news.” Asra grimaced, bracing himself. She set her teacup aside. “My family can indeed stand in for the Arcana... but duties in Prakra keep them there. They will be unable to make it to the masquerade.”

Asra winced. “That is unfortunate. I’ve had next to no progress in finding the other participants, either. What are we going to do?”

Nadia sighed. “I know you’re not going to like this, but perhaps this should wait another year. Perhaps by then, Lucio will be gone, and we can do what we must for Thomas at our leisure.”

“I can’t do that.” Asra felt himself getting frustrated, and forced it down. “Waiting that long to bring him back will kill me.”

Alarm crossed Nadia’s features, but she was calm as she said, “I am not telling you to abandon the plan, only postpone it.”

“You don’t understand. He was my light. At times he was my reason for living. I can’t face life without him. I can’t.”

Nadia was at a loss, and glanced at Julian for guidance. Julian’s voice was delicate as he asked, “Do we need to worry about your safety, Asra?”

“You know you don’t.” Asra stood and began to pace the room, feeling caged in, and the walls were getting closer and closer. “I have a few more options,” he said finally.

Julian looked like he was debating something, but a split second later, said, “Please don’t try to bring him back on your own again. Last time had you laid up for a week. I don’t want something even worse to happen to you.”

“Ilya!” Asra whipped around to stare at him, wide-eyed, gaze flicking frantically between the doctor and countess.

“What’s this?” For the first time since he’d known her, Nadia looked shaken. “Was that spell that backfired so badly on you last month necromancy, Asra?”

Asra swallowed hard. He had no idea how she would respond, but he wouldn’t lie to her. “Yes,” he said softly.

“And I take it from your reaction to Julian saying that, you know necromancy is forbidden in Vesuvia.”

“Yes.”

Nadia looked away, biting her lip. “I can’t ignore crimes being committed right in front of me.” She hesitated. “Can I?”

“I didn’t say that to get him in trouble,” Julian said quietly. “What he did is already done. He can’t undo it. Punishing him for it now would be nothing but punitive. I only wanted your backup in discouraging him from doing it again.”

Asra shook his head. “If you want to stop me, you’re going to have to lock me up.”

“You’re putting me in an excruciating position, Asra.” Nadia’s voice was full of compassion. She stared at him, staring back, and then said, “I won’t lock you up. I couldn’t do that to a friend. But I will ask you to reconsider. I don’t know how your spell backfired. All I know is that you were badly injured in it, and I don’t want to see you in pain. If you must do this, then be very careful. If you even think the spell may spiral out of your control, end it. Am I clear?”

“I don’t plan on letting it get out of control again. I was so close last time, I-“ He sighed. “I’ve been studying other techniques. I haven’t found one I’m comfortable with. But I can promise I’ll leave you out of it. You won’t know I did it unless I succeed.”

“I’m not sure that’s comforting, but it might be for the best. I’m hesitant to let you leave here without a promise that you won’t try it.”

“You’re not getting that. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to lie to you.”

She nodded. “This doesn’t leave this room. God forbid the courtiers get wind of this- especially Valerius. Julian, do not speak of this to anyone but myself and Asra, and be mindful of our surroundings if you do.”

That clearly wasn’t the reaction Julian was hoping for. Asra could almost feel the disappointment rolling off of him in waves. Still, he nodded. “I agree. If the consul finds out about it, Asra’s going to jail and there’s nothing we’ll be able to do about it.” Julian looked up at Asra, his eyes pleading. “I am begging you to be careful. You may be protected from death but you’re clearly not protected from harm, and I’m not sure how far I believe you’re protected from death, either.”

“I’ll be careful,” Asra said firmly. “I don’t particularly enjoy pain. I’ll also refrain from telling you about-“

“No, don’t. I want to know, in case- in case you need help.” 

“Ilya...” Asra sighed. “Alright. I’ll keep you informed about my progress into this situation. As I said, I haven’t found a technique I’m comfortable with. I’m getting close, though, I think. Do you want to be present when I try again?”

Now Julian looked intensely uncomfortable. “I don’t know. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I don’t trust magic.”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Maybe you could tell me when you’re going to try and I’ll check on you?”

Now Asra was uncomfortable. “Interrupt me at an inopportune moment and the spell will backfire. Perhaps you can wait for either me or Faust to come get you? If it’s me, you know all is well. If it’s Faust, you know I need help.”

“I suppose that’s good enough.”

Asra nodded. “Alright. If that’s all, I’d like to go do some research. I _am_ very close to being able to try again, I just know it.”

“I’m not sure that’s all. We still have to decide what we’re doing about Lucio’s ritual,” Nadia said. 

Asra grimaced. “Maybe it would be best to tell him that the ritual won’t happen, if we’re missing so many people. I’ll ask the Devil what will happen if we try to do it without everyone. Remember, I need that ritual as a backup in case I fail.”

“Talk to the Devil first,” Nadia told him. “Lucio won’t take it kindly if you tell him he’s not getting what he wants. Unlike you, he has no divine protection. I do not know how he’s still alive, but that luck is bound to run out soon.”

Asra nodded. “Then I’ll do a bit of reading here, then go back to the shop and contact the Devil.”

“That sounds like a plan. Julian, stay with me a few minutes. I want to have some words with you.”

Julian’s eyebrows shot up, but he nodded. “Of course, countess. I’ll catch up with you tomorrow, Asra.”

“Alright, see you then.”

Asra left the parlor, closing the door quietly behind him, his mind in turmoil. With the news that Nadia gave him, he was positive he wouldn’t have the people he needed for this ritual. That meant that he needed to find a way to bring Thomas back- or convince the Devil to break the deal keeping Asra safe, because no matter what any of them said, he wasn’t living in a world without Thomas.

* * *

Asra ended up bringing another book back to the shop with him, one that he was certain would help him resurrect Thomas. But that was for another day; he still had to tell Julian that he was going to do it. 

For now, he had an Arcana to contact.

Asra knew the way by heart by now; he settled on the bed, without the deck, and closed his eyes, once more seeking out the Devil. The Devil’s now-familiar magic enveloped him, and he opened his eyes to the Devil’s throne room. “I sense there’s something you’re unhappy about,” the Devil said, with a cold smile. “I assume you’ve come to tell me about it.”

Asra nodded. “The ritual participants from Prakra won’t be able to attend.”

“That is unfortunate. But if you’re worried about Lucio expiring before you can find people who _can_ participate, you needn’t be. He will not die of the plague.”

Asra narrowed his eyes at him. “How could you possibly know that?”

“There are few deals made that I don’t know about. He has a few of his own.”

“What are they?”

“None of your concern,” the Devil chided lightly.

Asra gritted his teeth, but changed the subject. “Lucio isn’t my concern at all,” Asra said. “I honestly don’t care if he lives or dies. It’s Thomas I’m concerned with.”

“I promise you, there’s no hurry. I-“

“No, there is. There _is._ The grief is crushing me. I can’t live like this. I _can’t._ What would happen if we held the ritual anyway?”

“Absolutely nothing would happen,” the Devil replied.

Asra cursed. “Then you have to break the deal protecting me.”

“Asra-“

“You have to! I’m not going to live like this!”

“You don’t have much of a choice.”

“Please!”

The Devil tsk’ed. “The people I made the deal for your safety with have their own end of the bargain with me. If I want them to uphold their end of it, I have to uphold mine- and I want them to uphold their end of the bargain.”

Asra’s fingers curled into fists, his nails cutting into his palms, as he choked back angry, despairing tears. The Devil watched him for several moments, seeming completely unmoved by Asra’s show of emotion. Finally, he said, “There is no time limit. Complete this task and you will have Thomas back. I promise you, it will work. You only need to have the patience to see it through. I know you, Asra- if nothing else, you’re almost obscenely patient. You will be reunited with your beloved. You just have to be patient.” The Devil paused, shifted in his seat. “And I want to hear no more suicidal talk from you. I know you’re in despair right now, I know you’re in agony. But unless the deal makers break their end of the bargain, I’m not breaking mine. I tell you this not to rub salt in your wounds, but to tell you that you need to find another way to deal with your pain. Suicidal gestures won’t provide relief, and you need the freedom to arrange this ritual.”

Asra blinked away his tears, fighting to control his breath. If the Devil wasn’t going to help him in any way but to tell him to be patient and do as he was told, he’d ask advice from someone he knew actually cared. “Fine,” he rasped. “I’ll keep looking.”

“Good. I truly hope you succeed sooner rather than later, for your sanity’s sake.” With that, the Devil flicked his clawed fingers at Asra, and Asra opened his eyes with a gasp.

He sat still for several moments, taking in the situation. It would be hard on him to immediately immerse himself in the magical realms after just returning, but he needed the Magician’s advice. He took several breaths, then closed his eyes, again, this time reaching out for the Magician’s realm. 

This realm was much more welcoming, a sense of peace sweeping over him, then alarm- someone else’s alarm. The Magician’s. Before Asra could even call out to them, they were before him. “Asra? You’re distressed. What happened?”

Quickly, fighting tears the entire time, Asra told the Magician everything: of his impending deal with the Devil, of being unable to find participants for it, of his failed attempt to resurrect Thomas on his own. By the end of the tale, the Magician was still, watching Asra through narrowed eyes. “And the Devil has no urgency for this matter whatsoever, despite the clear distress the situation is inflicting on you?”

Asra nodded wordlessly, and the Magician said, “I am grateful you’ve been unable to convince him to end the deal safeguarding your life, but even so... something about this isn’t setting right with me. I’m not sure what it is. I need to make an inquiry of my own. Remain here. I should be gone only briefly.”

“Alright...”

With that, the Magician vanished, and Asra settles down on the beach to wait for their return. He closed his eyes, focusing on the sound of the waves lapping at the sand, the feel of the breeze in his hair. He determined to bring Thomas there, once he had him back. There was so much Asra wanted to do and say. Even as in love with Thomas as he was, he’d still held him at a distance, never letting Thomas get too close. How close was “too close” shrank more with every passing day, until their argument. Asra hadn’t told Thomas that he loved him nearly enough. That would all change when he had him back. When Thomas was back, he’d pull him close and never let him go again, never let him doubt how much he loved him.

The Magician’s errand was even shorter than Asra anticipated. “It was as I suspected, unfortunately,” the Magician said, coming close.

“What did you suspect?” Asra stood, wiping his sandy palms on his breeches.

“I can’t tell you everything. Suffice it to say that the Devil is attempting to get you involved in Arcana business, and if you’d done as he said, we’d all have gotten much more than you bargained for.”

Asra’s heart sank. “Does this mean I can’t bring him back this way?”

“It does not. I just need you to follow my instruction instead of his. Can you do that?” Asra nodded. “Good. Continue seeking out the participants of the ritual. Gather as many as you can, but if all else fails, you can do it alone. The Devil will eventually instruct you to serve Lucio’s blood at the ritual somehow. Do not do this; it is not needed and if it is done, will have dire consequences. Instead, you and whoever you have managed to gather will make deals with their patron Arcana. Your deal will be with _me_ , Asra. Not the Devil.”

Asra’s hand went to his chest. “Does that mean I don’t need to sacrifice half of my heart.”

“That part is unfortunately crucial, if you want Thomas back. There’s no way around that. I will also take your memory of the ritual, to ensure that the Devil will find nothing if he goes looking for why his plan failed.”

Asra swallowed hard. “Alright. And this plan will work?”

“It will. I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to trust me on this.”

“I trust you,” Asra said evenly. “I still want to try to resurrect Thomas myself.”

“That’s fine. Understandable, as well. I wouldn’t want to give up what you’re being asked to, either. It’s unfortunate that it’s necessary for the spell to work.”

Asra nodded, backing up a step. “I shouldn’t linger here. My commentary to Nadia and Ilya probably worried them. I wouldn’t put it past Ilya to come check on me.”

“Very well. I need you to promise me something before you go.” The Magician put their hands on Asra’s shoulders. “Stop trying to find ways around the deal keeping you safe. Your life is tremendously precious. I know it doesn’t feel that way now, but this feeling is temporary. You will get through this, and you’ll be stronger for it.”

Asra looked down, away from the Magician’s concerned gaze. “Alright,” he said softly. “I’ll stop looking for a way around it. I’m Thomas’s last hope, aren’t I? I need to be alive to help him.”

“That’s not quite what I meant. Your life has value regardless of your relationship to others.” Asra just looked at him blankly, and the Magician sighed. “I’ll take it,” he said finally. “Be careful when you attempt to resurrect Thomas.”

“I will be.” Asra closed his eyes and breathed deeply, feeling the realm fall away from him. When he opened his eyes, it was to a dark room; night had fallen while he was in the realms. “Faust,” he called out quietly.

_Here_ , came her subdued response. _Asra okay?_

“Yes, for now. I’m sorry I keep worrying you so much.”

Faust nuzzled against his cheek, and Asra considered going out looking for Julian. He wanted to tell him about his conversation with the Magician, reassure him that all would be well with Asra, that he’d made a promise to stop looking for ways to harm himself. He imagined that would be a relief for Julian to hear.

But he wasn’t sure if Julian was at the palace or somewhere else, and he didn’t want to wander the streets of Vesuvia alone in the middle of the night. It could wait until morning, when he went to the palace.

With that thought, Asra turned prepared for bed, hope blossomed anew in his spirit. All would be well. It had to be. There was no other choice. 


	17. Chapter 17

Asra was _almost_ cheerful the next day. His mood was improved enough that Julian immediately noticed. “You seem happy,” he observed with a smile.

“Not quite happy, but my exploits were fruitful last night.”

“Do I want to know?”

“I don’t know. It was a magic thing.”

“Right, I don’t think I want to know.”

“I didn’t think so.” Asra glanced around the library, then lowered his voice. “I am going to be attempting to bring Thomas back tonight, though.”

Julian went pale, but nodded. “Alright, I’ll find someplace close to the shop to hang out. Do you have any good bars in your area? The Raven is a bit far from it for my tastes.”

“I don’t know if you’ll enjoy it- it’s rather upscale compared to the Raven- but there’s a restaurant with a bar a few streets down from the shop. I’ll show you tonight.”

“Yes, very good.” Julian sighed. “Is there any chance I can talk you out of this?”

“No. The ritual will go on as planned if I fail to bring him back, but I have to do this.”

“Er- but I thought you wouldn’t be able to find everyone you needed.”

“Things changed last night. I can’t give you details because I’m not sure of them myself, but apparently the Devil was trying to get me involved in Arcana business with his instructions. Only I truly need to be there, but for the sake of appearances, I have to try to get as many people together as I can.”

“I knew it.” Julian cursed. “I knew there was something off about that ritual. Do I still have to-“

“Please,” Asra cut him off softly. “You’ve already been established as a participant. I don’t want to give any sign that this is anything but Lucio insisting that we do it without everyone.”

“You’ve spoken to Lucio, then?”

“Not yet.”

“Then how do you know he’ll-“

“Do you really think he’ll just accept that I wasn’t able to find everyone?”

“... fair point.” Julian sighed. “I feel like this situation is spiraling out of control. You’re lying to several people at this point. Eventually you’re going to mess up.”

“Why do you think I’ve kept away from Lucio as much as I can?” 

“I assumed it was general distaste for the man.”

“That too, but I can’t get my stories mixed up in front of him if we never talk. My current plan is to tell the Devil that I’m certain I can find everyone on time, get his final instruction that the Magician told me I’d get, and tell Lucio that we’re going to be short people, ask him if he still wants to do it. He will say yes.”

“And if he says no?”

“We do it behind his back.”

Julian shook his head slowly. “Things have to go exactly as you’re predicting in order for this to work. How confident are you that they will?”

“Not at all. That’s why I’m still going to try to bring Thomas back on my own.”

Julian grimaced. “I’m not going to ask you to reconsider again. I’m sure you’ve considered everything I could possibly raise. But I will ask you again to be very careful. Magic is dangerous.”

“Only when you don’t know what you’re doing.”

“And you’ve more than admitted that you don’t.” He sighed. “We’re at an impasse and I know I’m not going to win. Just... just be careful. Please.”

“I will be.” Asra took a deep breath. “But I do have to find as many people to participate as I can. To do that, I need to interview the courtiers. Can you help me arrange that?”

“Valdemar, sure. Although I think you need to ask Nadia about the others.”

“I’ll do that. Not today. Today I want to focus on the spell I have planned. I want to do a bit more reading, but I should be prepared for tonight.”

“Very well. I have- er- studies of my own to engage in. The library must be clear today. Can you get your books and study in your room, perhaps?”

“I can do that.” Asra watched Julian with mounting concern. He had been disturbed by that dungeon, by what Asra imagined went on down there- and Nadia and Julian were concerned with the legality of what _he_ was doing? That research facility looked more like a torture chamber than a place of medicine.

But if Asra expected them to trust him, he had to return the favor. He didn’t think Julian would willingly participate in torture. There had to be another explanation. 

Asra retrieved the books he wanted and went back to his room in the palace. He spent the day in study, committing the spell to memory. This one was a powerful healing spell. It wouldn’t bring anyone back to life- not on its own- but if he could tweak it just so... he wasn’t sure it would work without a body, but he had a skull and a few bone fragments left. Hopefully that would be enough.

He was finished with his studies and passing the time by meditating when there was a knock on his door. “It’s open,” he called. 

Julian opened the door and popped his head in. “Hey. Are you ready to go?”

“Yes, I was just waiting on you.” Asra stood and pulled his bag on, checked that Faust was with him, and nodded, heading for the door.

The trip to the Mead Meadow was uneventful, and quiet. Uncomfortably quiet. Asra knew things between them would be nearly unbearable between them until they talked, but Asra wasn’t ready to do that. He needed to get Thomas back first, find out where he stood, before he would even think of figuring out his attraction to Julian. 

Julian gave a low whistle when they came to the restaurant. “This is definitely not my style,” he said, glancing around, "but I think I can hang out here for a few hours."

"Alright. Remember, if all is well, I'll come get you, if not, Faust will."

"Right. Good luck, Asra."

The two parted ways then, and Asra headed back to the shop, his mind turning. This would work. It had to work.

Asra came to the shop and went up the stairs to deposit Faust in the bed. "Stay here," he told Faust quietly. "Remember, only come downstairs if you sense that I"m in trouble and you need to get Ilya."

 _Asra be careful._ Faust wound herself around Asra's arm and released him, and Asra went back down the stairs and retrieved Thomas's skull. "Sorry," he murmured to it. "This will be over soon. I just know it."

Carefully, he set the skull down in the center of the backroom table. Asra had cleared the sigil away; he didn't need it for this spell. He stretched out his hands over the skull, and began chanting quietly, almost whispering. 

After a few sentences, Asra felt his magic begin to flow out from him, and into the skull. It began to glow, softly; and Asra’s heart leapt into his throat. It was working! He just knew it was!

But by the end of the spell, it became clear that all it was doing was making the skull glow, and nothing else. Asra started the spell over, keeping up the flow of magic, his voice a bit stronger, a little frantic.

Still, the skull only gave off that gentle glow, not even growing in intensity. Dread took root in Asra as he started the spell for a third time, fighting tears. He was so close, but he just wasn’t strong enough!

He began shaking as he frantically started chanting the spell a fourth time, then a fifth. He lost himself in the magic, the words blurring painfully together until he didn’t know what he was saying. Exhaustion set in him, but he held on. This _would_ work. It had to! Failure wasn’t an option. He just needed a little more, pouring a little more of himself into the spell. He would sink all of him into the spell, if that was what it took...

He started over and over again, in a trance. A little voice in the back of his mind screamed at him that he was giving too much, that he was going to seriously hurt himself if he kept this up, but he couldn’t do anything but what he was doing. Too late, he realized that the spell was out of his control; he heard someone calling him, begging him to answer, but he couldn’t. He was going to feed this spell until he dropped, and-

Sharp pain lanced through his arm, yanking his attention back to his surroundings. Faust was wrapped around him, tongue flicking wildly over two bleeding puncture wounds. Asra's heart was racing painfully as he stared at Faust, a flood of her fear resounding in his head.

And then he dropped.

* * *

"-ke up! _Asra!_ Wake up! Damn you, wake up!"

Asra's eyes fluttered open to look into Julian's terrified face. "You have to stop this!" Julian snapped, although he sounded like he was about to cry. 

"How long have I been out?" Asra asked, grogginess not letting go of him. He thought he heard himself slurring his words, but couldn't be sure. 

"I've been here ten minutes, your snake came to get me at the restaurant about fifteen minutes ago- so almost half an hour, at least. What happened? Faust bit you, why did she bite you?"

Asra lifted his injured arm and stared dully at the puncture wounds in his wrist, trying to remember what happened. "I think I was... stuck."

"Stuck?"

"I couldn't stop feeding the spell. It wasn't doing anything but draining me, but I couldn't stop."

Julian bowed his head, closing his eyes, and looked up again. “How do you feel?”

“Exhausted,” Asra answered weakly. Then he yelped as Julian scooped him up in his arms. “Do you like carrying me or something? I can manage on my own.”

“You’re slurring. I’m not going to ask you to navigate stairs when I’m not even sure you’ll be able to stand upright.”

Asra huffed, but wrapped his arms around Julian’s neck and nuzzled against his chest. He could hear Faust following them, her tiny voice ringing in his head: _Sorry..._

“For what?” he managed to say, his voice thick.

_Bite you._

“If you hadn’t I might not have been able to break the cycle. It’s fine.”

“Talking to Faust?” Julian asked, settling Asra down in the bed.

“Yes. She’s apologizing for biting me.”

“Speaking of that, I should bind it. Is your first aid kit still where I left it?” Asra nodded tiredly and Julian rose to get it. Asra put a hand to his forehead, closing his eyes. He was so tired... 

The next time he was aware, it was daylight outside, and his arm was tightly bound. He stared at it, then looked up at the plush chair across the room. Julian slept fitfully, his coat being used as a blanket. “Ilya?”

That got a _mmph_ and Julian looked up, running a hand down his face. “You’re awake. Good. How do you feel?”

Asra huffed a breath of a laugh. “Like I could sleep another day. You didn’t have to stay.”

“I did. I didn’t know if your extreme exhaustion was a harbinger of something worse.”

“No, I just over-extended myself. It happens sometimes. Although it’s been years since it’s been this bad.”

Julian rose and went over to the bed, kneeling beside it. “Do you remember last night?” he asked, taking Asra’s injured arm in his hands and gently probing where the bite was. “How does your arm feel?”

“My arm feels like I was bitten by a snake,” Asra replied, amused.

“Does she bite you a lot?”

“Not since she was a baby. She didn’t realize that biting hurt me when her fangs came in. As soon as she figured that out, she stopped. She only bites me anymore if she absolutely needs my attention- like she did last night. It’s fine. I could heal over the wounds if I wasn’t so exhausted.”

“Mm. So how much of last night _do_ you remember?”

With a cynical smile, Asra replied, “I remember starting the spell, and then you were cursing at me to wake up. Honestly, the worst part about this is not knowing where I went wrong. I’ll recover in a couple days. I’ve overextended myself several times over the years. This is nothing new and it’s nothing dangerous. You don’t have to babysit me.”

Julian put a hand under Asra’s chin, grasping lightly. “Let me see your eyes.”

“I’m telling you, you’re not going to find anything.” But he held still, letting Julian examine him.

After a few moments, Julian was satisfied, and pulled away- but not before brushing Asra’s cheek with the back of his fingers. “If you’re sure you don’t need anything, I should head back up to the palace. I’m sure Nadia is concerned that I never returned last night. Can I tell her you’ll be back tomorrow?”

Asra nodded. “I’ll still be tired but I should be functional by then.”

“Alright. Rest well, Asra.”

With that, Julian rose and went down the stairs. Asra held his breath until he heard the door open and close, then exhaled deeply and called out, “Faust? Are you here?”

 _Here..._ She wound her way to his chest from beside him, looking at him in concern. _Better?_

“I’ll be better tomorrow, I promise. I just need to rest. Thank you for helping me last night.”

A wordless jumble of fear and relief flooded his mind, and he tiredly reached up a hand to stroke her head, soothing her. He stared at the ceiling, trying as hard as he could to remember. He remembered starting the spell, as clear as day. And he remembered Faust biting him, vaguely. But he didn’t remember what transpired to make her desperate enough to do so, and it was maddening. 

There was nothing he could do about his spotty recollection. The bare truth was that, regardless of what went wrong, it didn’t work, and with the memory loss, Asra didn’t want to try that spell again. It was back to square one. He could lay there being mad about it, or he could pick himself up and try again. 

“Hey Faust,” he said after a moment’s more of thought. “Are you hungry? I am. Want to go get breakfast?”

* * *

Asra was summoned to Nadia’s rooms almost the moment he stepped foot in the palace. He sighed as the servant gave him the message. “Well, Faust. I guess it’s time to face the music,” he murmured, changing paths from the library to Nadia’s rooms. 

Much to his surprise, not only was Julian there- Muriel was as well. Asra’s eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed. “You’re ganging up on me now?”

“You won’t listen to us individually,” Julian said softly. “Maybe hearing it from all three of us at once will get through to you.”

“You’re acting like I’m insane.”

“No, Asra, _you’re_ acting like you’re insane.”

“Hey!” Muriel interjected sharply. “Don’t insult him!”

“Gentlemen!” Nadia interrupted Julian’s retort. She stood as they fell silent, crossing the room to stand before Asra and take his hands in hers. “Tell me what happened,” she said gently. 

He seethed, but answered evenly, “I can’t. I don’t remember.”

She let that stretch out before them for a moment before saying, “Concussions, extreme exhaustion, memory loss. Is this what you want for yourself?”

"If it’s what it takes to get him back.”

Nadia sighed, dropping his hands and turning away. “Don’t make me command you to stop, Asra. Please. I don’t want to do that to a friend.”

“Then don’t,” he answered quietly, his voice still even.

There was silence in the room, and Muriel broke it awkwardly. “What about the ritual?”

“What about it?”

“Do you still plan to do it?”

“Yes. But I’ll have to give up half of my heart to do it. I don’t know what that means. If I can bring him back before that, we just have to pretend for Lucio.”

Muriel nodded. “Do what you must.”

“Muriel!” Julian gasped, rounding on him.

“You heard him. We asked. He refused. I’d rather he do it openly than behind our backs.”

“I’m not sure I agree,” Nadia murmured. "What’s your next step?”

“Find a new spell,” Asra answered with a shrug.

“How many books on necromancy do we have?” Nadia asked, bewildered.

“More than I thought you would. I’ll be alright, Nadia. How can I not be, when I have such wonderful friends?”

Muriel snorted as Nadia gave him a deeply cynical look. “No one’s buying that, Asra,” Julian remarked.

Asra shrugged. “Believe what you like. I need to talk to Lucio.”

Julian gave him an incredulous look. “Are you running a fever?”

“No, I need to give him an update on the ritual... ask him to stop. He isn’t necessary anymore. If I get him to back off, I don’t need to put on a show for him if the ritual turns out to still be necessary. And I need to speak with the Devil, too.”

They all looked at each other, then Nadia nodded. “I believe he’s awake right now. We can get this out of the way quickly and you can get back to your studies.”

“Getting it over with sounds nice. Let’s go.”

Nadia and Asra left her rooms and headed for Lucio’s quarters. When they reached the door, Asra turned to Nadia, reaching for her hands. “Please don’t tell him I’m trying to bring Thomas back. I don’t think he’d imprison me for it but the less he knows about my business, the more comfortable I’ll be.”

“I’ve not spoken a word to him on the subject. It’s none of his business.”

“Thank you,” Asra breathed, releasing her. “Well, let’s get this over with.”

“Yes, let’s.”


	18. Chapter 18

Asra stood at Lucio’s bedside, staring at him in pity. He hated it; he hated pitying anyone, and Lucio certainly didn’t deserve to be felt sorry for, but it was obvious that the man was in intense pain. “I have some bad news,” Asra told him quietly. 

Lucio suppressed a cough. “Well? Out with it.”

“I’m not going to be able to find everyone we need for the ritual. We need to call it off.” 

Lucio cursed. “Like hell we need to call it off. Are you any closer to a cure than you were when you came here?”

“I don’t know. You’d have to ask Ilya.”

“I have, and the answer is no. I can’t live like this, Asra. You _have_ to find those people.”

“I have no leads and a slew of refusals. I can’t.”

“Then we’ll proceed with who we have.”

_Perfect._ “I’ll need to contact the Devil and ask him what happens if we don’t have the required people.”

“Do what you must.”

“I’ll do that right now, if you and Nadia don’t mind watching over me.”

Lucio waved an irritated hand, and Asra pulled the deck from his bag, sitting on the floor. “I’ll be in a trance while I converse with the Devil,” he said. “Don’t interrupt me unless someone’s dying.”

“I hate your sense of humor, you know that?” Lucio grumped. 

Asra gave him the sweetest smile he could as he said, “I thought you just hated me period.”

“I don’t hate you. I hate your attitude sometimes but I don’t hate you. Go do what you have to.”

Asra bit back an acerbic comment and instead focused on the Devil’s card. Closing his eyes and breathing deep, Asra let reality fall away, until he was standing in the Devil’s realm again. “Welcome,” the Devil said with a toothy grin. “What can I do for you?”

“We’ve hit a snag,” Asra told him. “What would happen if we attempted the ritual without the necessary people?”

“Nothing at all. It would simply fail.” The Devil shifted on his throne. "Are you saying that’s the case?”

“That’s the case right now. I’m still looking. I’ll find them. I have some more leads to look at,” Asra lied.

The Devil didn’t seem to sense anything amiss. “Good, good. In that case, there are some instructions I need to pass on.”

“I’m listening.”

The Devil grinned broadly. “You need all of the participants to make deals with their patrons- including you, so start thinking about what you want to ask the Magician. You also need Lucio’s blood.”

Despite knowing that was coming, Asra blanched. “What am I going to do with Lucio’s blood?”

“You need to serve it to the guests somehow. Say, in the wine at the banquet.”

Asra’s stomach turned, finally thinking about it. “But we’re not getting a new body for him,” he said cautiously.

“Well, You can’t get blood from Thomas.” The Devil’s grin grew, clearly taking delight in Asra’s discomfort. “Come now. You know blood magic isn’t an inherently bad thing.”

“I know that, but you’re asking me to ingest it. That’s... a bit much.”

“It is what’s required. Unless, of course, you want to give up on bringing Thomas back.”

“No! No, I’ll do it.” Asra let a shudder run through him. At least he knew he wouldn’t be doing that. But he had to keep up the charade for Lucio. The only thing he had to decide now was how far to take that charade. To the Devil, he said, “I wish you’d told me about this from the start.”

“I wanted to make sure you wouldn’t back out. You weren’t in a state to think clearly. I didn’t want you doing something as dangerous as trying to do it yourself.”

Asra smiled a little, getting cold at his words. Now he definitely wanted to do it himself. “I’m no necromancer. I wouldn’t know where to begin.”

“You know better than to lie like that, Asra. Regardless, you’ve come too far to abandon this plan now, haven’t you?”

Asra nodded. He had an incredible feeling of dread, the longer he talked to the Devil. “I’ll get over the drinking blood part. As I said, I’m no necromancer. This is my only shot.”

“Very good.” The Devil made a gesture at him, and Asra was back in his body, coming back to himself with a gasp. 

He looked up at Nadia and Lucio looking at him, and sighed. “I wish he’d stop doing that,” he muttered. 

“Stop doing what?” Lucio’s eyes shined with curiosity. 

“Sending me back without letting me do it myself.” Asra stood and wiped his sweating palms off on his pants. “We can try it without everyone,” he lied, “but I should try to find everyone I can. I want to talk to the courtiers. I sensed that five of the participants are very close, and they’re the easiest to interview. If it’s not them, we’ll interview all of the castle staff.”

Lucio made a face. “I hope it’s them. I don’t want servants at my banquet.”

“You may not have a choice. It’s between inviting people who can help and not doing the ritual.”

“I know that. I’ll deal with it if I must have servants there. Was there anything else?”

“... no, Lucio. Nothing else.”

“Then get out. I want to sleep.”

“Yes, Lucio.” Asra turned and left, Nadia on his heels. 

They were back at Nadia’s quarters by the time she spoke, the door closed behind her. “I can tell when you’re not being truthful,” she said quietly. “I cannot help you effectively if I’m in the dark, Asra. I’m trusting you. Please trust me too.”

Asra gazed at her appraisingly. Then he sighed. “Right. Ilya did tell me I was lying to too many people. Let’s have a seat. This is going to take a while.”

They settled down on plush chairs, and Asra told her everything. The Magician’s intervention, the talk with the Devil, Lucio’s blood. “The Arcana can’t lie,” he said finally, “but they can omit and mislead. I have no doubt that the ritual, as he wants it completed, will bring Thomas back. But considering the Magician’s warning, that’s not all it’ll do. This is just a bone-deep feeling, but I’m positive now that we don’t want to do it the way the Devil wants it done.”

“What could the Devil possibly be after?” 

“I don’t know, but I absolutely do not want to get involved in Arcana business. Mortals who do that find themselves in deep trouble, more often than not.” He sighed. "But I need to keep this from Lucio at all costs. I do _not_ want him knowing he's not getting a body out of this."

"I understand. I haven't told him of your true intentions." She looked at him curiously. "But does this mean that you're giving up necromancy?"

"Absolutely not. I don't know what'll happen if I give up half of my heart. The Magician often told me when I was growing up to be careful what I did with my magic- because magicians often don't know the true cost of their actions before they're done. Is this going to mean that I won't be able to feel anything anymore? Am I going to lose part of myself forever? What exactly is going to happen if I do this?" He shook his head. "It's a price I'll pay regardless, but if I can do it without taking the risk..."

"I understand," she sighed. "It's a fair concern. But what will you do about the ritual if you succeed?"

"The Devil's said that the ritual will fail if we don't have all the people necessary, and I've told Lucio that. If he proceeds anyway, that's on him." Asra examined his nails. "I could always simply tell him that it's not going to happen, that we need to focus on getting a cure for him, but..."

"He won't accept that," Nadia said firmly. "You already told him that we could try it without all of the people present."

"The Magician said that it will work with only me, but if we do that, Lucio will certainly know that I stabbed him in the back."

Nadia flashed him a smile. "You're protected from harm. What's he going to do that I can't stop?" She shook her head. "He thinks he's still in charge. If I gainsay him, I will be listened to. You have nothing to fear from him."

"It's not me I'm worried about. It's Thomas. If Lucio kills him to spite me..."

Putting a hand over Asra's, Nadia said, "I will not let him do that. Still, it would be best for us to keep this under wraps until it happens. We never know how Lucio will respond to any given thing anymore."

"Exactly." Asra sighed. "I wish there was an easy way around this problem. If I succeed in bringing Thomas back, I'm going to have to tell Lucio that I did so eventually."

"Perhaps not. With any luck, he'll die before that becomes necessary."

"I don't think he's going to die of the plague," Asra said, shaking his head. "He's been around with it for so long... I do wonder why he's not letting Ilya examine him. There's something about him that's keeping him alive. If we can isolate the cause of that, we might have a cure."

"I will talk to Lucio about this." Nadia stood, stretching. "You're right, it's beyond time he started helping us get the cure he's so desperate for. It's bad enough that he didn't care enough to order an investigation into a cure until he fell ill. He needs to do his part, too."

Asra nodded, standing as well. "Am I to assume that you're going to go do that now?"

"I will let him sleep for a while," she said with a smile. "I wish to write to my family, see if I can't convince them to come to the Masquerade after all. I've been the countess of Vesuvia for six years. It's time we opened diplomatic relations with them."

"Very well. I'll go investigate more spells. I want to try again as quickly as possible." Nadia held her arms out, and he went to her, embracing her tightly. "Thank you for your support. I can't tell you how much it means to me."

"Yes, well, I've come to care about you immensely. Anything I can do to help, just name it. If it is within my power, it is yours.”

“Thank you, Nadi. I think all I need from you right now is to set up meetings with the courtiers. Ilya said he’d be able to get me to see Valdemar, but not the rest of them. Can you-?”

“Of course I can. All at once?”

“I think that might be best. Get it done and over with.” He sighed. “I really don’t want to talk to them. I know they don’t like me.”

“Volta is fine with you, and the others are just eccentric.” She reached over and squeezed his hand. "And I will be with you, if you like. You needn’t be alone with them unless you want to be.”

He squeezed back, smiling. “Thank you. I think I’ll take you up on that.”

"It will take me some time to get them all in the same room,” she said. “Go do your studies, I’ll let you know when we’re going to meet with them.”

Asra nodded, standing. “Thank you again, Nadi. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“You’d deal with the unpleasantness of the court alone,” she chuckled. “I’ll be in touch.”

“Alright. See you later.”

Asra took his leave of her, heading for the library. It was empty; Asra retrieved a few books and settled on his pillow pile to read.

He found a new spell quickly; it was simple, but required blood. Enough blood that Asra almost balked at using it. Almost. He could bear a little pain for the sake of bringing Thomas back, although he’d have to heal over the cut with magic. If he let Julian know he was injuring himself for these spells now, he might actually take measures to stop him.

To that end, he decided he wasn’t going to tell Julian about this. Julian had worried enough over him already and he was starting to get worried and frustrated. Julian seemed to be more and more convinced there was something between them. 

And there was. Asra would be a fool if he tried to deny it. But it wasn’t what Julian was looking for. If he gave in, he’d end up hurting Julian very badly. Asra didn’t have romantic feelings for him, but he was his friend. He didn’t want to hurt him. He didn’t want to hurt anybody, not even Lucio.

He sighed, settling down further to read. He wanted to commit the spell to memory before trying it. He would take the book with him, but memorizing the spell was his first step. 

Before long, Julian emerged from the dungeon bookcase, and stopped and stared when he saw Asra, looking like he’d been caught doing something wrong. “Er, hello,” Julian greeted awkwardly. 

“Hi,” Asra replied with a little wave, amused at Julian’s blush. “Don’t mind me, I’m just studying.”

“Studying what?”

“The plague,” he lied. “Rather, magical healing. I doubt I’m going to find anything of use, but the skill is always nice to have.”

“Right, right. I sometimes wish I could use magic. There are illnesses and injuries that it would be so much easier to just throw magic at.”

“I could teach you what I know,” Asra offered kindly.

“Er- Thank you, but that might be a bad idea.”

“Oh? Why?”

Julian shook his head. “I don’t- I don’t understand it. I understand medicine. There’s science behind medicine, but magic is just-“

“There’s science behind magic too, Ilya.”

“I’d really rather not.” Julian’s voice had a frantic undercurrent to it. Was he afraid of magic? The thought amused Asra. Why was Julian pursuing him if he was afraid of him?

It wasn’t worth the awkwardness to confront him. Instead he shrugged, said, “Suit yourself,” and went back to his book. Julian stared at him for a few more moments before sitting at his desk against the wall and reaching for a textbook. 

They studied together in companionable silence for several hours. Asra could see the shadows in the room lengthening, knew he needed to get back to the shop soon if he wanted to perform this spell tonight, yet he couldn’t help but want to remain there, with Julian. It was a peculiar feeling, one that was neither unpleasant nor welcome. 

Gods, he was so confused. 

Suddenly, Julian began to mutter. “Asra? I think I have something here. I could use your eyes...”

* * *

Daylight woke Asra, pleasantly sore and dreading what he would find when he opened his eyes. He hoped that Julian was gone, that he’d woken first and left before Asra woke. 

He cracked one eye and looked around, dread settling over him like a weight. Julian was still there beside him, naked, fast asleep. Suppressing a sigh, Asra rose as quietly as he could and dressed. He has to check on the spell. He was certain it had failed, but maybe he could salvage it, try again tonight. 

As he padded down the stairs, he could sense the magic lingering in the air, and his shoulders slumped as he reached the back room. He could already tell the spell was ruined. He’d have to start over from the beginning. He shouldn’t have left in the middle of it. Part of him was angry with Julian, but he shut that down. It wasn’t Julian’s fault he had decided that the middle of a spell was a good time to give into his attraction to him. 

Letting out the sigh that he’d suppressed earlier, he began to clean up the spell. He couldn't exactly keep Julian in the dark anymore; he didn't know for sure, but he suspected that Julian knew what that spell was, despite asking him what it was for. It would be just like Julian to not assume the worst. 

And then there was Julian himself. Last night had been a mistake, one that Asra wasn't sure if he wanted to repeat or not. But giving in last night had definitely complicated matters. He wondered if Julian even understood what this meant for Thomas, when he came back. Unless Julian didn't believe that Thomas _would_ be back. That was a possibility. He'd all but said that he didn't believe in magic, despite having it right in front of his face, several times.

Asra looked up sharply at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. "There you are," Julian said as he caught sight of Asra, clearing the last of the sigil away from the backroom table. He was fully dressed, and smiling gently. It set every nerve in Asra's body on edge. What exactly did Julian think happened last night. "Checking on your spell?"

"Well, clearing it up," Asra answered, standing up straight. "The spell was ruined."

"I- I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. Not _entirely_ your fault, anyway. I'm the one who walked away from it in the middle of it." He grimaced, biting back his next words: _I shouldn't have given into you_.

Julian made a noise, coming to stand in front of him, taking his hands. "Were you trying to bring him back?" he asked quietly.

There was no point in denying it. "Yes."

The doctor was quiet, mulling that over for a moment. "Can you try again?"

"I'm going to," Asra answered honestly, "although tonight might be my last attempt. I'm still going to look- there are more spells- but all of the others I've found have been too complicated or- or required things I'm not willing to do."

Julian looked like he wanted to ask further questions. Instead he changed the subject. "Want to go get breakfast with me?"

Asra wanted to both refuse him and go with him. It was bad enough that he'd slept with him; he didn't want Julian thinking there was anything but physical attraction between them, and going with him to breakfast was going to give him just that impression. But Asra was hungry, and he didn't have it in him to hurt him. Not yet. "Alright. Just let me figure out where Faust went last night, and I'll be right back down."

Julian blinked in surprise. "Oh, well, alright. I'll wait down here for you."

Asra nodded and went back up the stairs. When he reached the bedroom he called out quietly, "Faust? Are you here?"

_Here!_ She popped up from a pile of pillows in the corner.

"Were you there all night?" he asked, hoping against hope that she wasn't. He didn't want to explain to her what happened last night. She understood the concept of human sex just fine, just... not him with anyone but Julian. As far as he was aware, she considered that reserved for Thomas.

_No. Went to town!_

"Oh really. What did you do?"

_Crimes!_

Asra gave a flustered laugh. "I hope you didn't do anything too bad. We're going out for breakfast, want to come?"

_Squeeze?_

"I don't think he'd appreciate being squeezed right now. Sorry."

_Squeeze_. Now she sounded almost irritated. "Oh boy. Are you angry with us?"

_Friend._

"He's... he's not here. It's alright, Faust. Julian will go away when he comes back." Asra could swear he saw an accusatory glint in her eyes, and sighed. "Thomas isn't here, Faust. He's away. I didn't... I didn't cheat on him, or anything."

A sense of resignation filled his mind, and Asra grimaced at the feeling. "Do you want to come with us or not?" he asked again.

_Come with. Chaperone._

"Oh boy." Asra shook his head, holding out his arm. "Fine, you can chaperone us."

Faust wound her way up his arm and into his clothes, and Asra let her settle against him before heading down the stairs. "Do you have her?" Julian asked.

"Yes. She's... not happy with us. Said she wants to chaperone."

Julian's face flushed. "I- well- I- how much did she see?"

Asra grabbed his coat from a hook by the door and dispelled the wards on it. "I don't think she saw much. She tends to go off by herself when it looks like I'm about to be physically intimate with someone. For which I am intensely grateful. I don't need my familiar seeing that." He gave Julian a wry smile as he opened the door. "After you."

"Why, thank you." Julian stepped out into the street, and Asra closed and warded the door behind him before joining Julian on their way to the marketplace for pumpkin bread.


	19. Chapter 19

Asra sighed heavily, arriving at the shop alone. Nadia got him to talk to the court, and they were _exhausting_. Even Valerius, who was as normal as Asra expected a person to be, repeatedly called him a witch and had to be reigned in by Nadia threatening to tell Lucio of the disrespect. He was glad he was alone, and at the same time, he wasn't. He didn't know what was coming over him but he wanted the physical comfort Julian offered him, consequences be damned. 

Asra knew how to find him, though, so if he completed this spell- or failed- he could go to him. He once again drew the sigil he needed, getting his supplies ready. He cast a determined look at Thomas’s skull, then took a deep breath. He could do this. It was just a matter of time before he succeeded, he just knew it.

As he had done the previous night, he began the spell. Thick, miasmic magic filled the room, pressing down on him, but he resisted. He was the magic’s master, not the other way around. He could withstand it.

Slowly, the spell began to take form. Asra picked up the dagger he’d used to cut Julian last night, and cut himself, hissing in pain as he did so. He held his palm out over the sigil, squeezing his fingers into a fist to encourage the blood to drip down into the circle. The circle flared, held the light for one moment, then two. Just as Asra was about to hope, the light died out, and the magic in the shop lifted. He waited a few seconds before slumping his shoulders and suppressing frustrated tears. That was all that was going to happen.

Asra plopped down on one of the stools around the table, head in his uninjured hand. He felt Faust sliding against his ankles and climbing his leg, and he reached for her. She wound around his arm, squeezing comfortingly.

He sat there unmoving for several more minutes, recovering his energy from the failed spell. Then he healed the cut in his hand and stood, going out into the shop proper and grabbing his coat. _Where go?_ Faust asked him, sounding concerned.

“Back to the palace. I’m going to see Ilya. You might not want to come with.”

Faust squeezed again. _Chaperone._

“That’s not going to work. Sorry.”

_Squeeze tall friend._

Asra chuckled. “Please don’t. I- I want to spend more time with him. I know you don’t like this, but I- I want to. I’m sorry.”

Faust looked at him with bright, sympathetic eyes. _Stay. Explore._

“You want to explore the palace? I’m sure they’ll let you.”

With that, Asra left. Faust kept up a steady stream of chatter, as much as she could. She jumped from subject to subject, how funny Julian was when she squeezed him, concern for Asra, where they would go and what they would do when Thomas was back. That last subject made Asra wince, and Faust asked him what was wrong; "It might be a while before Thomas is back," he said sadly. 

_Where go?_

"Somewhere difficult to get to. We're getting there, Faust. I promise. It's just... hard."

_Leave?_

"No, he's... he's... it's hard to explain."

Faust was quiet for a moment. _Trouble?_

"Y-yes, he's- he's in trouble." He wondered if she'd even understand the concept of death if he tried to explain it. She was very childlike, and it had taken Asra several months to understand that his parents were never coming back when Lucio told him that he'd had them executed, and he was well over the age where death was an understandable concept to him. 

_Save friend._ Faust nudged him.

"Yes, Faust. I'm trying. I'm about ready to go to plan b now. I don't know if I can keep trying and failing alone."

Faust fell silent, then, thoughtful, and Asra turned his attention inward, to his own thoughts. He couldn't believe he was doing this, but he desperately needed the comfort of _someone_ , and Julian was offering himself freely, even after Asra told him that he wasn't going to give him everything he wanted. A little voice in the back of his head told him that this was wrong, that that fact alone should've been enough to stop him. He silenced it. Julian was a grown man. He knew what he was doing. Asra had to trust that Julian would speak up if he couldn't do what Asra was willing to give anymore. The moment that happened, Asra would back off. He wasn't looking to hurt anyone. But he hurt so much, and he couldn't face the pain alone anymore. Julian was willing to comfort him, so he'd let himself be comforted.

Asra arrived at the palace and the guards let him in without a second thought, even though it was late at night. Asra considered going to his room instead of Julian's, but he shook that off. If Julian wasn't up for company, he'd go to his own room, but he'd check with Julian first. Arriving at the guest wing, Asra went to Julian's room and knocked softly. Much to his surprise, Julian almost immediately yanked the door open, looking down at Asra in surprise. "A-Asra. I, uh, I wasn't expecting you."

Asra couldn't meet his gaze for longer than a few seconds. He looked away, swallowing hard. "Well... I know. I tried the spell again. It failed."

Julian was quiet for a few moments before saying, "I'm sorry. Do you need your hand looked at?"

"No, I healed over the cut myself." He took a shuddering breath before speaking again. "I just... don't want to be alone right now."

Julian seemed to debate something in his head before moving aside without another word, letting Asra into the room. Once he was inside he closed the door and leaned against it awkwardly. "It's- It's a good thing you're here, actually. We, uh, we need to talk. About what happened last night."

"I'm not here to talk."

"Oh?"

Asra approached him and pulled him down, kissing him. Julian's hands cradled Asra's head, melting into the kiss. When they broke apart, Julian brushed his thumb over Asra's lower lip, looking into his eyes, searching. "Is this really alright?" he asked quietly.

"What do you mean?"

"You're trying to get your lover back."

"He was your lover too."

Julian shook his head slowly, and Asra almost murmured in surprise. They weren't? But Julian said, "That was... something else. We both knew he belonged to you. That he would go back to you when you finally returned to Vesuvia, if you'd have him."

"How is this different than then?"

Julian thought about it for a second, then shrugged. "I, well... You... you told me that you couldn't give me everything I wanted, didn't you?"

"I did. That hasn't changed. If you can't accept that then send me away now, Ilya."

"No! No, I can accept-" Julian cut himself off by kissing Asra again, this time heatedly. "I meant it when I said I'd take what I can get. I'm not taking that back now. But you should know there's a reason I'm single-"

"Are you?"

"Pardon?"

"Single."

Julian blinked in surprise at the question. "I- what exactly are we, then?"

"I'm not sure. What do you want us to be?"

"That's not fair. You're the one who said you can't give me everything I want. _You_ have to define that."

A mischeivous look came over Asra's face. "What do I have to say to move this along?" he asked with a smirk.

Julian grinned at that, ignoring the unanswered question. "You only had to ask, darling," he said, and kissed Asra again, gently pushing him to the bed. Asra felt Faust slide away from him. With her gone, he relaxed, and let Julian guide him where he would.

* * *

The next morning, Asra woke to find Julian already dressed and sitting at his desk over a sheaf of papers. Asra got up and wrapped the blanket around him, going to look over Julian's shoulder. "What are you doing?" he asked curiously. 

Julian hastily flipped over the page he was scribbling on, but not before Asra saw a glimpse of a sketch. Was that the Hanged Man? No, it couldn't be. How would Julian even know who that was? "I was just going over some of my notes," Julian answered. "I meant what I said yesterday... We need to find this cure. I've spoken to Lucio about it and he doesn't like that we're taking so long, especially with what you've told him about the ritual."

Asra sighed. "I know, I know. I'm sorry. But if I tell him the truth..." Asra trailed off. "If I tell him the truth, things will be worse. I just know it. I don't like lying like this, but I'm trying to juggle so much-"

"It's okay to set the balls down for a bit, Asra." Julian reached up and embraced him. Asra bent to return the embrace, burying his face in Julian's shoulder. More than lying to Lucio, he regretted pursuing Julian last night. He thought he would be alright with it, as long as he kept in mind that Julian was going into this with his eyes open. Asra had the sinking feeling that he _wasn't_ , that there was something else going on with Julian. He was far too tender for this to be a friends with benefits thing for him. Julian could say that he understood that's what it was all he wanted, but he wasn't acting like he understood it.

But would Asra do anything to discourage it? He doubted it. _Selfish_ , he snarled at himself. _Just like leaving Thomas behind. **Selfish.**_

"Hey, are you okay? You tensed up," Julian said.

Asra pulled away with a sigh. "I'm as fine as I can be. I think I want to go to the library and do some more research. I'm close to giving up and just waiting for the ritual, but I'm not there yet."

"Er, alright. I'll come with you."

Asra nodded and dressed, self-conscious of Julian's eyes on him. He definitely had to rethink this. Or maybe it was just the awkwardness of this being new to him. He wasn't good at getting people to like him, so the fact that Julian liked him _this much_ was... different. The only other people he could say liked him this much were Thomas and Muriel, and Muriel's affection had limits that they hadn't breached in all their years of being friends. 

Then again, he was getting pretty close to Nadia, too. He wouldn't dream of crossing those boundaries with her, but she was pretty warm to him. Something in the back of his mind whispered for him to forget the ritual, tell Lucio the truth, and carry on with his life.

He shut that down quickly, gritting his teeth. No. He had abandoned Thomas once. He wasn't going to do it again because that was the easier path. The sharp blade of Thomas's death had dulled over the months, but it was still there. He was in love with Thomas, and that was the end of that. He wasn't going to just move on. He was _going_ to bring Thomas back to him, even if it killed him, as Julian was afraid it would.

As they left Julian's room, Asra said, "You know, you really don't have to worry about my safety."

"Oh? I don't?"

"No. Remember what I told you? I asked the being protecting me to stop. They refused. They want whoever made the deal with them to continue to uphold their end of the bargain, so I'm stuck. Lucio couldn't kill me if he wanted to."

Julian shifted uncomfortably. "Even if that's true, and I'm not sure I believe it, Lucio can still make your life hell. Make you wish he could kill you."

"Lucio is a lot of things. A torturer isn't one of them."

"You sound very sure of that," Julian said softly.

Asra put out a hand to stop him. "Why? Do you know something about him that I don't?"

"I know he can be very, _very_ vengeful when he doesn't get what he wants. If he tries to take you out and discovers he can't..."

"He's got to catch me first. I have a _lot_ of experience running from Lucio."

Julian made a thoughtful noise as they came to the library. The doctor went to his desk and Asra went to the bookshelves that housed the books on forbidden magic, looking for a fresh text to investigate. One in particular caught his attention, a book in a different language than Vesuvian. Asra didn't know much of that language, but it looked like a book for beginners. How had he missed that one so many times?

Probably skipped over it because he wasn't fluent in that language. He pulled it out of the bookcase out of curiosity and settled down on his pillow pile to read, opening it to page one. The introduction would tell him if he knew enough of the language to make use of the book.

He read slowly, trying to suss out the words he didn't know through context. It looked like an overview of necromancy, the basic rules of that type of magic and- "What's this?" Asra murmured, eyes going wide. Did he read that right?

Julian looked over his shoulder at him. "Are you okay?"

Asra read the sentence over and again. He understood it well enough. He just couldn't believe it. "Not really," he said, setting the book aside and reaching for his bag. "Can you watch over my body for a bit? I need to go ask an Arcana something."

"Er- sure. What do I do?"

"Just make sure nothing happens to me while I'm asleep. Don't disturb me unless someone's dying."

Without waiting for Julian to respond, Asra closed his eyes, the deck in his hands, and focused on finding his gate. He needed a few minutes in solitude to calm down before he confronted the magician. He just couldn't believe what he just read was true. He opened his eyes to the sparkling, colorful pools of his oasis, and despite not needing to breathe, took several deep, calming breaths. The Magician would answer his questions if he asked them directly. They had to. He needed to know. With that, he stepped into one of the pools, and dunked himself under. 

Everything went dark, and then there was the sensation of being carried on a wave onto the beach of the Magician’s realm. He went to his knees, looking around. Listening. The Magician wasn’t anywhere nearby, but he knew the realm well, and started walking up the beach to two curving palm trees. He could barely see the distortion of space between them, but he could nonetheless, and stepped into it.

He emerged in an emerald forest, in a clearing beside a stream of crystal violet water. The Magician stood on the other bank, waiting for him. He approached, unable to keep an accusatory note from his voice. “I need to talk to you,” he said, coming to the other bank.

The Magician tilted their head. “You seem unusually agitated. Perhaps you might take a moment to compose yourself.”

“ _No._ ” Asra was emphatic. “I _am_ upset, but I think I have good reason to be.”

“Then by all means, tell me what’s upset you. I’m listening.”

“The necromantic text I just picked up. It says that for necromantic spells to be successful, you need an in-tact body.”

“Indeed.”

“You knew this?”

“Of course I did. I am the communicator of magical knowledge.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

The Magician paused meaningfully. Asra felt like it was the equivalent of taking a deep breath. “If I had told you,” the Magician said finally, eying Asra critically, “would it have changed your course of action at all?”

Asra drew back, not expecting that question. “Of course it would have-“ Then he stopped himself. If he finished that sentence, the Magician was just going to rightfully call him out for lying to both of them. “Perhaps not,” Asra admitted. “I probably still would have tried. But at least I wouldn’t have had hoped that it would work. I- I’ve been operating on the assumption that there was a chance I could bring him back on my own. I’ve had my hopes dashed four times now, only to find out that I didn’t have any hope to begin with. That _stings.”_

The Magician regarded him thoughtfully. “Perhaps you’re right. But I think the important question right now is, what will you do with this information? Do you plan to continue to attempt the impossible?”

Asra thought about it for several long moments. “The ritual,” he said softly. “It’s been the fear of what giving up half of my heart will do to me that’s driving me, mostly. The Devil wouldn’t tell me what will happen. Will you?”

The Magician shook their head. “I only know that it needs to happen, and that it won’t harm you physically. I wouldn’t have agreed to it if I didn’t have some reassurance that you wouldn’t be harmed by it.”

Asra looked away, thinking. “You keep saying it needs to happen. Why?”

The Magician shook their head. “It’s best not to tell you. You’ll jump right back into trying to resurrect Thomas through necromancy again if I do.”

“What’s to say that I don’t plan on doing that anyway?”

“You know it’s futile now. Why would you-“

“Because I’m desperate,” Asra cut him off. “I just... I keep making the situation worse and worse. I need him back.”

“Patience. You’ll get him back. The ritual will work.”

Asra sighed. “I guess that’s that, then. I better go back before Ilya starts getting nervous.”

The Magician gave him a faint smile. “That would be best, yes. If you need anything- reassurance, help figuring out how to deceive Lucio and the Devil- I am here.”

"Thank you. I’m sure I’ll be back.”

With that, Asra closed his eyes again, letting himself fall through the realms once more. When he opened his eyes, it was to Julian’s worried face. “Oh! Hello. Welcome back. You were gone for a while. I was just about to-“

“Thank you for restraining yourself,” Asra cut him off, wondering where Faust was. If she was near, she’d have intervened the moment Julian got too close.

“Er- right. You’re welcome. I don’t know where Faust is and didn’t want to risk a choking.”

“She wouldn’t choke you.” Asra grinned and stood, reaching out with his magic, searching for her.

“She’s done it in the past.”

“She’s just being affectionate.”

Abruptly, Julian changed the subject. "So did you accomplish what you meant to do?”

“Yes. You don’t have to worry about me trying to bring Thomas back on my own anymore?”

“Oh? Well, good, but- why?”

“You need an in-tact body for resurrection. All I have of him is his skull.”

Julian winced. “That would’ve been useful to know before you hurt yourself numerous times trying to do it.”

“I know. That’s what I was doing. My mentor- they knew that it was futile and didn’t tell me.” At Julian’s shocked, then outraged look, Asra said hastily, “I probably would’ve tried anyway. I just wouldn’t have had any hope as I did it.” He sighed. “This just leaves the ritual.”

“I guess it does. I’m sorry. I know you’re not too excited about this.”

“It’s- it’s alright. If I’m honest with myself, I knew it would come to this.”

Julian looked at him hopefully. "Perhaps you could focus on the plague now. It would give you something to take your mind off waiting for the ritual."

Asra sighed heavily. "I don't know, Ilya- I know nothing about medicine."

"I could teach you. Or you could focus on trying to figure out a way to banish those beetles."

"I guess there's no harm in learning some medicine. Maybe we'll be able to combine medicine and magic and come up with a decent treatment for it."

"My thoughts exactly. Er... except that I really don't want to learn magic."

“We’re at an impasse, then,” Asra replied. He didn’t particularly want to learn medicine- not with everything else on his plate. “I’m going to need you to trust me, Ilya. If you can’t do that...”

“I trust you!” Julian protested. “It’s magic I don’t trust. Not you.”

“My magic is inseparable from me. It’s part of who I am.”

“Would you ever use magic on me when I didn’t want you to?”

Asra fought to keep a straight face. A smile cracked through anyway. “Not unless it would be _really_ funny.”

“Har har,” Julian mocked, rolling his eyes with a grin. “I trust you, Asra. The fact that I tried to help you with that spell-“

“But you regretted it.”

Julian’s gaze softened. “How could I regret it when it led to what it did?”

Suddenly uncomfortable, Asra stood. “Well, in any event, we’re not getting any closer to a cure by standing around talking about this. Let me grab some books on magical healing and see what I can learn.”

“Alright, then. I’ll let you get to it, then.”

Julian went back to his desk and sat down as Asra replaced the spellbook he’d picked out, scanning the shelves for his new topic. Trying to cure the plague was a worthy purpose. If they could pull it off, he’d be able to tell Thomas that it was over when they brought him back. It would be nice to give him good news as he returned to them.


	20. Chapter 20

In the end, Julian talked Asra into learning at least basic first aid. “It will be useful if you’re going to use blood magic with any regularity,” Julian has argued. “You can’t always trust that you’ll have the energy to heal over self-inflicted wounds.”

Asra thought he heard an undercurrent of something else in Julian’s voice. “You don’t think I would hurt myself just because, do you?”

“I know that sometimes people who are depressed need to vent their feelings and choose unhealthy ways of doing so.” And then Julian paused, looking at Asra thoughtfully. 

Asra looked right back at him, puzzled. “What?”

“It’s nothing. At least you’re not denying that you’re depressed.”

“Yes, well. You know why I don’t have an escape plan in case the ritual fails.”

Julian snorted. “‘Escape plan.’ I don’t think I’ve ever heard it referred to like that.”

Asra shifted uncomfortably. “You we’re talking about pain killing salves.”

Much to Asra’s relief, Julian took the hint. “Right. A basic salve has two ingredients: some type of carrier oil, and beeswax. This has no healing properties alone, but you can add various herbs and such to it...”

* * *

The ritual drew closer, and Asra continued to look for the people who could help with it. But the closer it came, the less inclined Asra was to search. He didn’t need the people, and more and more, Asra was inclined to just do it himself. The courtiers were eager enough to help, when Asra told them that they’d get something out of it. Nadia wanted to help both to help Asra and spite Lucio, although she had moments of questioning whether it was a good idea or not.

Julian was a wildcard, though. Asra was relatively sure Julian would help, but that didn’t stop him from casting aspirations at the plan. It triggered more than one argument; “If you don’t want to help, then don’t,” Asra bit out, struggling to keep his cool, “but stop acting like I’m some kind of evil mastermind for it.”

“I don’t think you’re evil, Asra, but this isn’t just some random pet project! Messing with death itself has consequences, and I don’t think you’re taking it seriously enough!”

“How would you know how seriously I’m taking it? You barely know me!”

“Because you won’t let me in!” Julian yelled. “It’s like you see me as just a diversion, and I’m tired of it, Asra!”

“Then break up with me.”

Julian stared at him, slack-jawed, for several moments. Asra stared him down, smugly. “Well?”

“Get that smirk off your face,” Julian snapped, looking away. “You’re insufferable, you know that?”

“Then break up with me,” Asra repeated, his voice almost taunting.

“I can’t be around you right now.” Julian pulled on the books that would let him down into the dungeon, and as the bookcase swung open, Asra turned away, looking at the book he had open before him. But he couldn’t focus on the words on the page. Julian was treating him like he was an evil mastermind, and it was starting to get to him. For all of Julian’s protests that Asra saw him as a diversion, Asra couldn’t help but feel the same.

Asra closed the book he was reading and left the library. If Julian had the option of walking away from this relationship, so did Asra. But he wanted to cool off before he did that. He liked Julian, more than Julian knew. He saw the dilemma coming and he didn’t like it at all. He didn’t want to be in love with him, and he was doing everything in his power to keep his distance.

But he was certain Julian didn’t understand why. Despite what Julian seemed to think, they were bringing Thomas back into a situation he’d have to make a choice in. The last thing Asra wanted to do was complicate matters by falling in love with Julian, too. 

Maybe he just needed to explain that to him. 

Instead of going to his own room, he went to Julian’s, sat on the bed, and waited. Julian usually sought him out after arguments like that, but Asra wanted to be sure they talked, as soon as possible. 

Asra wasn’t waiting long. He looked up sharply as the door to the room opened. “Oh. Hello.” Julian sounded almost bashful.

Asra stood. “We need to talk,” he said softly. 

“I agree. Asra-“

“No, let me go first. I don’t just see you as a diversion. I like you. A lot. But Thomas is coming back. We’re already bringing him back into a... difficult situation. I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to get any closer than we already are, complicate things more.”

“It’s... it’s a little too late for that.” Julian looked away. “I know you’re going back to him, but I- I-“

“That’s up to him,” Asra cut him off, trying to be as gentle as he could. Saying that it was too late to avoid complicating things more left a horrible taste in Asra’s mouth. He knew this whole thing had been a mistake, and he did it anyway. “He could very well choose you.”

“I told you before, we had an understanding that he would go back to you when you returned to Vesuvia. He was never going to chose me.”

“I abandoned him, Ilya.” Asra wrung his hands, turning away. “I have no right to expect him to come back to me. I only want him safe and whole again. That’s my one and only goal. Nothing else matters.”

“Then I don’t understand your objection to this.” Julian came up behind him and put a hand on his shoulder. “Why can’t we enjoy what we do have?”

“It’s not that simple,” Asra said with a deep breath. He turned back to him. “Maybe he won’t chose either of us. We both abandoned him. I by leaving Vesuvia, you by disappearing into your studies. Maybe neither of us deserves him. But don’t you think that should be his choice? Falling in love with each other takes that choice away from him. That’s why I can’t give you more than this. That’s why I have to hold you at a distance.”

Julian stared into Asra’s eyes, searching. “So if not for the ritual, you’re saying you _could_ see me as more than a diversion.”

_Yes._ But he couldn’t bring himself to give Julian that hope. The ritual was going to happen. The “what if’s” didn’t matter. But neither could he bring himself to fully reject him. “I didn’t say that,” Asra said instead. 

Julian stared at him for a few seconds longer before pulling him into his arms, hugging him tightly. “For what it’s worth, I’m a bit confused too,” Julian said softly. 

Asra returned his embrace. “I didn’t say that, either,” he grumbled. 

“You didn’t have to. Can we... can we just forget about this whole thing? I didn’t mean what I said. I was just frustrated.”

“I’ve been called worse,” Asra replied, pulling away from him, his face coloring. “And I was being obtuse.”

“I wasn’t exactly being fair, either. I... I know you’re not evil, and you’re not responsible for my hang ups about magic. It’s just... the only magicians I’ve met before you and Thomas have been... dubious ethically at best. And I’m not sure what you’re doing is on the up and up, either.”

“Ordinarily, I’d agree with you. But this is different.”

“How? I want to trust you, Asra. I do. But as far as I can tell, the only way this is different from everyone else who’s lost a loved one is that you have access to resources they don’t.”

“What’s wrong with using the resources at my disposal?”

“I’m not sure I can explain it beyond ‘It’s not fair.’”

“Life isn’t fair, Ilya. The simple fact that we’re in this situation at all is proof of that.”

Julian sighed. “Then I can’t trust you.”

Asra was quiet as Julian released him and turned away. “So what now?” Asra asked quietly. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“I didn’t say that. I... don’t know. I... care about you. A _lot._ If I could just turn that off, believe me, I would.”

“I never want to hear you speak about self-inflicted wounds ever again,” Asra said in disbelief. 

“That’s not what-“

“It _is,_ Ilya, I just told you that I am _never_ going to be what you want me to be and you just told me that you can’t trust me, then, and you want to continue this? I don’t see how a reasonable person can have this conversation and not want to end it.”

“Then you break up with me.” Asra looked at him like he’d lost his mind, and Julian smirked. “You don’t want it to end either.”

“This is all such a profoundly bad idea, Ilya.”

Julian laughed, shaking his head. “Everything that’s happened since you came back to Vesuvia has been a bad idea, but this is where you draw the line?”

“I haven’t drawn any lines at all. This relationship is entirely in your hands. It always has been.”

“Now that isn’t fair. There are two of us in this relationship, Asra. You don’t get to shove all responsibility for it off onto me.”

“What’re you going to do about it?” Asra challenged. 

In response, Julian grabbed him, swept him into his arms, and kissed him hard. Asra melted into the kiss, and when they parted, he smirked at him. “So what you’re going to do about it is just ignore it, is that it?”

“Do you have a better idea?”

Asra shook his head, pulling Julian down for another kiss and shutting out the part of his mind that was screeching at him to have some sense and stop this. 

* * *

Despite their mutual agreement to pretend that conversation never happened, nothing was the same between them. Asra didn’t know what Julian was thinking, but he didn’t like hurting people, and part of him resented Julian for putting him in a position where that was exactly what would happen, eventually. He told himself over and again that this was Julian’s choice, but Julian’s protest that they were both responsible for it rang in his head and wouldn’t leave him alone.

Faust wasn’t helping, either. She was amiable enough to the doctor- even if Julian insisted on misinterpreting her affection as aggression- but on nights they didn’t spend together, Faust was as vocal about her disapproval of the relationship as he’d ever heard her. She only ever contradicted him when she was very worried, and he couldn’t blame her. After that conversation, the relationship was no longer a source of comfort for him. He could take his frustrations out on Julian when they were intimate- Julian _liked_ it when Asra was aggressive in bed, as long as it stayed there, and Asra was very careful to pay attention to Julian’s signals- but that was all. He couldn’t take comfort in a relationship in which he was aware that someone had caught feelings that were unwelcome, especially not when that someone made it clear he didn’t trust Asra. He didn’t know if the feeling was mutual, but judging by how Julian got quiet after sex anymore, it probably was. 

_Asra sad?_

The question caught Asra by surprise. He was at the shop, having left Julian’s quarters at the palace before he awoke. He wanted to research magical illnesses- alone, away from Julian and the palace and that creepy dungeon. “No, I’m not sad. Why would I be sad?”

_Tall friend._

Asra winced. “I don’t know what to do, Faust. If I didn’t have the ritual then I could have feelings for him. But I just... can’t risk that happening. Not when I know Thomas is coming back.” Asra snorted, putting his pen down and dropping his head into his arms. “And the worst part about this is that I don’t know what to expect when he comes back. We both abandoned him when he needed us. He’ll refuse both of us, for all I know.”

Faust nudged him, silken thoughts of comfort drifting from her. He smiled ruefully. “I know Julian said Thomas still loved me. That was before he-“ He cut himself off, unwilling to say the words. He hadn’t said it aloud yet, and he wasn’t going to.

_Pretty friend?_

“You think I should ask Nadia? Hm. She might have a good perspective. And she knows Ilya well. Thanks, Faust. I think I’ll go talk to her.”

Faust gave him a reassuring squeeze as he rose, grabbing his coat and scarf and bag and heading out into the street, deep in thought. The trip to the town square was uneventful, as was the carriage ride to the palace. The guards let him in, advising him that Nadia was in her rooms, and had given orders that she not be disturbed. He considered looking for Julian then, but decided against that. Nadia had said that Asra could count on her, and he was hesitant, but he was mostly sure that Nadia would see him. 

He arrived at her door and knocked softly, not wanting to wake her if she was asleep. Her voice was carefully neutral when she called out, “Who is it?”

“Asra,” he called back. 

There was barely a moment of hesitation before the lock was undone and the door swung open. “Asra,” she said, eyes wide. “Are you alright?”

“Physically, yes. Emotionally...”

“Come in. What is the tea you like? Lapsang souchong?”

“Yes,” he answered, surprised that she remembered such a detail about him. When had he even told her that? He watched as she summoned a passing servant and asked for tea- lapsang souchong, if they had it- and tea cakes to be brought to her quarters. Then she closed the door and motioned towards the sitting area of her rooms. “Please, sit. If this is about what I think it is, this may take a while.”

Asra obeyed her, but gave her a confused look. “What do you think it’s about?”

“A certain red-haired doctor just left, looking for relationship advice. Am I incorrect in assuming you’re here for a similar reason?”

Intrigue and dread wound around him. “What did you talk about? What did he say?”

“Ah ah, that’s between he and I. He spoke to me in confidence- as I will do for you now. I find it amusing you both have turned to me, considering the state of my marriage, but I’ll do my best to advise. Now: tell me what brings you here.”

Asra took a deep breath, and started talking, interrupted only by the arrival of their tea and snacks. He started by emphasizing that he liked Julian, he truly did... but after their last conversation, they avoided each other but for physical intimacy, and that was all. “And are you happy with the state of your relationship with him?” Nadia asked, sipping her tea.

“No, of course not. It was always going to be purely physical for me, but this... I didn’t realize how much I wanted the companionship, too. This isn’t what I want.”

“Then I will tell you what I told him: you should be talking to him, not me. He needs to hear that you’re unhappy. It’s possible that you’ll be able to come to an understanding, move forward-“

“I’m not sure I want that, either.”

Nadia waited a moment to see if Asra would explain further. He didn’t, and she put down her tea and leaned forward. “I understand the need for physical intimacy,” she said, choosing her words carefully. “You know there is no love lost between me and Lucio, yet I’ve given into his overtures many times, not to shut him up, but because it was something I wanted. I am not judging you. But if you’re unhappy with how things are, but neither want to move forward nor end it, what exactly do you want?”

“I want... I want that conversation to have never happened,” Asra murmured, looking away.

“But it did happen. Things were said that can’t be taken back. You can wish that it never happened all you want, but ultimately, you need to accept that it did. All you can do is move forward, somehow. Talk to him, Asra. You’re both in pain over this. The merciful thing to do for both of you is to clear the air, one way or another.”

Asra nodded, feeling sullen, out of sorts. He felt closed off from Julian, like there was nothing more to do or say. “I’ll think about it,” Asra said finally.

“That’s... acceptable, I suppose. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Asra looked back up at her with a wry smile. “Do you have any further news on your family?”

She shook her head. “No, unfortunately not. Prakra is quite a distance from Vesuvia, messages will take some time to get there.”

Asra sighed. “I know. I’ve... been to Prakra before.”

Nadia’s expression brightened. “Truly? What did you think of it?”

“It’s beautiful. The capital is the most gorgeous city I’ve ever been to, and I’ve been to a lot of cities. I’d have stayed there longer if I didn’t have someone at home waiting for me. To be honest, I’ve... always wondered why you chose to remain in Vesuvia. It’s a little hick town compared to Prakra City.”

Nadia laughed. “Surely you don’t have such a low opinion of your hometown!”

“I wasn’t actually born in Vesuvia. My parents came here when I was an infant.”

“I still can’t believe a place you’ve called home for the extent of your memory can be relegated to a simple little hick town.”

“Don’t get me wrong; I love Vesuvia. I wouldn’t keep coming back if I didn’t. But there are other towns and cities that Vesuvia doesn’t hold a candle to.”

“Fair enough. I’m glad you came away with such a high opinion of my homeland. I myself would never go back. It holds... too many bad memories for me.”

“If you ever need to talk, the offer goes both ways, you know. I’ve been told I’m a good listener.”

“Perhaps another time. I think the more pressing matter right now is that you come to an understanding with Julian. It is my understanding that he’s in his rooms.”

“You’re right. I should go see him. Thanks, Nadia.”

“Anytime, Asra. Take care.”


	21. Chapter 21

Asra’s steps were purposeful as he walked down the hallway, heading for Julian’s room. But when he got there, there was no answer, and the door was locked. 

Thinking it strange that Julian wasn’t where Nadia thought he’d be, Asra turned to the library. He found it empty but for Valerius, who looked up from his book, glass of wine in his other hand, and sneered at him. “Good evening, witch,” Valerius said, scorn in every syllable. 

Asra suppressed a scornful chuckle of his own. “Witch” was a slur for people jealous of the talents of others; it didn’t surprise Asra that Valerius made such liberal use of it. Valerius wasn’t particularly talented in anything but drinking wine and pushing people away, as far as Asra could tell. “Good evening,” Asra replied, his amusement evident. “I’m looking for Ilya. Have you seen him?”

Valerius snorted. “He’s avoiding you. I would not pursue him if I were you.”

“Your opinion is duly noted.” Asra somehow wasn’t surprised Julian would take advice to communicate and run away with it. “If you’ll just tell me where he is, I will leave you to enjoy your evening.”

“He told me he wanted a drink. He’s probably gone to that disgusting dive in the South End he likes so much.”

“Thank you, Consul. Enjoy your evening.”

As Asra left, Valerius called after him, “Don’t say I didn’t warn you, witch!” Asra suppressed the urge to flash him a rude gesture, choosing instead to shake his head and chuckle to himself. Valerius was so full of himself it was silly. 

Asra caught a carriage down to the South End, lost in his thoughts. He had to decide to either break it off or give it his all by the time he got there, he was sure; Julian was certainly no help with that decision. At least, he hadn’t been before. The fact that Julian had decided to run to a bar when he got the advice to talk to Asra didn’t bode well for them, but it was what it was, and Asra would meet him where he was. It was the least Asra could do for him, after everything he’d done for Asra.

The bar was cacophonous, and Asra winced as he stepped in the door, his eyes scanning the room. He didn’t like crowds, and this bar was almost always crowded. But Asra caught sight of Julian, in a booth towards the back of the establishment. He moved through the crowd and came to stand in front of that table, looking down at an utterly sloshed doctor.

Asra stood there for several minutes, being thoroughly ignored. When Julian finally cast a furtive glance in his direction, it was almost hostile. “Well? What do you want?”

“Nadia advised me to talk to you.”

Julian snorted, turning back to his drink. “I’m not sure there’s anything to talk about anymore.”

Asra agreed, but something wouldn’t let him walk away. “I’ll be right back,” he said, and turned away.

Alarmed, Julian exclaimed, “You’re not going to drink, are you?”

“Water,” Asra shot back over his shoulder, irritated. He was an adult. He could drink if he wanted to.

Despite his irritation, he got his glass of water and slid into the booth across from Julian. He took a sip to wet his suddenly dry mouth, and then said, “We do need to talk. This is making both of us miserable, but neither of us is willing to stop. Something’s got to change.”

Julian sat up a bit straighter, keeping his gaze trained on his drink. “I wish I knew how much I’d really come to care for you when I reached out to you all those months ago. I wish I’d listened to you when you tried to push me away.”

Asra flinched at the bitterness in Julian’s voice. “Well, you didn’t. You didn’t and now we’re in a mess and you don’t get to run away from it, Ilya.”

“Why do you even care?” Julian spat back. “It’s not like you’ve got any skin in this game. You’ve said yourself that this is just physical for you. I thought you’d be happy to have me back off-“

“Is that what this is about? You think I’m not hurting, too?” Asra snapped.

Julian stared at him. “I’m sorry you’re hurting,” he mumbled, “but I don’t get why.”

“I care about you. Just because I can’t- just because I need to hold you at a distance doesn’t mean I don’t care. I was happy with the way things were before you told me that you don’t trust me.”

Julian looked up, meeting his gaze evenly. “You know what? I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“But did you mean it?” Julian was quiet, and Asra pressed him: "This can't continue if you meant it. And if you didn't, then we need to talk it through."

"I don't know if I meant it or not." Julian took a deep drag from his mug and set it down with a heavy _thunk_. "I don't think you would ever hurt me intentionally," Julian said after a moment. "And I believe you're a good person, otherwise this wouldn't be an issue for me at all. But the way you're using magic... I already don't trust magic, and you're trying to manipulate the laws of nature with it. I've never been entirely on-board with this and the closer we get to this ritual, the more uneasy it makes me."

"You're there only to make Lucio think he's getting a body," Asra said, in what he hoped was a reassuring tone. "You can make a deal with your patron Arcana if you want, or you can not. It doesn't matter to me. All I need from you is to show up."

"That's just it. I don't know if I want to make a deal with whoever this patron Arcana is or not. It's magic, isn't it? I want nothing to do with magic. But..."

"But?"

"But just think of the good I could do if I could get over this hangup and _do_ it." He sighed. "And none of this is your fault, mind. You're making it impossible to ignore the way I want to, but it's not your fault. I shouldn't be taking it out on you."

"So stop." Asra shrugged. "You know you're doing it, you know it's wrong. Why won't you just stop?"

"Why not indeed." Julian drained his mug and met Asra's gaze. "But this conversation is supposed to be about us, not my hangups about magic. Where exactly do we stand?"

"That's the big question," Asra replied, looking into his glass. "I can't give you what you want, Ilya. That hasn't changed, and it's never going to. The ball is in your court. You said when this started that you were happy to take what you could get. Is that still true?"

"I don't know." Julian ran his hands through his hair, clearly frustrated. "I want you, but I want to _be_ with you, and I don't know anymore if I can just pretend that we're together. That we're more than friends with benefits."

Asra shifted in his seat. "You were pretending that we were more than that?" he repeated uncomfortably.

"I was. It was the only way I could keep up with you."

"I don't like that, Ilya."

"I knew you wouldn't. That's why I haven't told you that until now. Honestly, I don't blame you if you want to walk away now. I'm not holding up my end of the bargain anymore."

"Are you breaking up with me?" Asra's voice was soft and neutral. He could barely hear himself over the din of the bar.

"I'm not. I don't want to. I'd rather pretend than do without you in any capacity I can."

Everything about this conversation was screaming at Asra to end it. He selfishly didn't want to; he drew too much comfort from Julian. After being with someone for as long as he had been, the thought of being completely alone almost frightened him, now that he'd had a taste of intimacy again. But... "I don't know if I can do this, knowing you're pretending we're something more than we are," he said in a low, sad voice. 

Something like panic crossed Julian's features. "Will it help if I tell you I'll stop pretending?"

"I don't know if I can believe you," Asra replied, a bit of a fluster stealing into his voice. 

"You can. I- I- maybe I was being unreasonable before, but being faced with losing you now is- I don't want that. I really don't want that. I meant it when I said that I'd take what I can get, I just need to adjust my expectations accordingly. I can do that. Just please don't leave."

Asra looked at him, pity finding its way into his soul. That wasn't reassuring. If anything, it made the red flags so much brighter. He knew, in his heart of hearts, that Julian wasn't going to do anything of the sort. It was clear that Julian had feelings for Asra that he didn't return, and that it would be unkind not to end it now, let Julian get over him.

He selfishly shut down that whisper of common sense. "I need something stronger," he murmured, standing and picking up his glass. "I'll be right back."

Julian reached out and grabbed Asra's wrist. Asra looked to him and met his gaze. "Don't- don't worry about me," Julian said softly. "I can handle myself. I promise."

"It's not you I'm worried about at this point."

"Don't you think it would be better to talk it out rather than get drunk?"

"No." Asra gently pulled away from him, going up to the bar. He had never seen himself as a selfish person until now, until this relationship with Julian, and he was going to ignore what he knew was right and carry on with it anyway. He took his glass to the barkeep and got his attention. "Hi, Barth."

"Need a refill of your water?" the barkeep asked, looking as though he knew the answer to that question already.

"No. Give me what Julian is having."

Barth drew back, eyes widening. He stuttered for a second and then said, "Sorry, Asra, but I know you and I know how well you _don't_ hold your liquor. You'd have alcohol poisoning by the time you were finished with half of one of those."

Asra suppressed a scowl, instead choosing to smile sweetly at him. "Thanks for looking out for me," he said, deciding that he wanted a drink more than he wanted to tell Barth off for being condescending. "What would you suggest, then?"

"I can make you something I think you'll like, if you're drinking because you don't want to be sober and not because Julian is."

"I don't want to be sober." He resisted the urge to speak through clenched teeth.

"Right, then I've got just the thing. Hang on."

Asra waited patiently for his drink, which took only a minute to mix, and gave it an exploratory sip. It was fizzy, fruity, and he could feel the burn of alcohol in it. At least Barth heard him when he said he didn't want to be sober. "Thanks. Depending on how the rest of this conversation goes, I'll be back for another."

"Is there anything I can do for you two?" Barth asked, gaze flicking between Julian's sullen form, chin resting on the table, and Asra. 

Asra shook his head. "Not unless you can make Julian less sentimental."

Barth gave a snort. "Good luck with that."

"That's what I thought. Thanks anyway." Asra carried the drink back to the table and slid back into the booth, sipping it. "Barth flagged me before I even ordered anything," he told Julian, amused now that he had his drink.

Julian snorted and sat up. "What did you try to order?"

"What you were having."

"Oh, you don't want one of these. They're disgusting."

"Why are you drinking them, then?"

"They are _good_ at getting you drunk. You don't care about the flavor once you get through three of them. I'm not surprised he wouldn't serve you one."

"Yes, well, I'm not a child. I think I should get what I want."

"I'd need to carry you out of here. You'd be unconscious within five sips."

"I'm not _that_ much of a lightweight."

Julian laughed. "Yes, you are. I've drank enough with you to know that you can _not_ hold your liquor, to any extent. Please trust me, Asra, you wouldn't enjoy the kind of drunk these things get you."

Asra sighed. "I'm not a child," he repeated, and took another swig of his drink. "Although I will admit that this is tasty and will probably do the job just fine."

"I don't understand why you're doing this to yourself." Julian's voice was soft. "You know this isn't what you want."

"Are you talking about getting drunk, or us?"

"Both."

Asra lifted his glass in a mock toast. "Either way, _I'm not a child_. Let me decide what I want for myself, please."

"Fair enough. You're right, you're definitely not a child. Sorry."

Asra nodded, and knocked back another drag of his drink. "Now, where were we?"

* * *

Asra walked through the South End, watching the sun rise as he did. He left Julian without saying goodbye, but that was for the best. He was embarassed by his conduct last night, and he wondered why he kept doing that. 

But for now, he had research to do. Julian would catch up to him at the palace, and maybe they could work together on another cure, another attempt to get this plague under control. It was what Asra wanted; even if he didn't think he was qualified to do this research. It just wouldn't do if he brought Thomas back and he caught the plague and died again. He didn't think he had it in him to go through this a second time. 

Then again, leaving immediately was an option, as far as he was concerned. He believed Nadia would do her best to shield them from Lucio, but Lucio was often out of control when he didn’t get what he wanted. He could do little to them himself, but he still had guards who were loyal to him, and Asra wasn’t sure Nadia would be able to stop him if he ordered them arrested.

He wanted to examine one of the plague beetles again, but he didn’t want to go back into that dungeon, and certainly not without an escort. So he waited in the library for Julian to come by, as Asra knew he would. Julian was good at beating hangovers. And Asra was positive Julian would have a hangover. It was part of why he left so early. He didn’t want to be there when Julian threw up.

Instead of ruminating on what he wanted to do, he picked up some promising looking books and started reading. The idea that the plague was a curse had crossed his mind, so if he could find a powerful enough curse-breaker, that might be a game changer.

A few hours into his research, Julian came into the library, then stopped when he saw Asra. “You didn’t wait for me,” he said softly, accusing.

“You know I don’t like it when you drink yourself sick,” Asra retorted, setting his book aside and stretching. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I drank myself sick. And I was worried about how much you were drinking.” He shook his head in disgust, then a neutral look came over his face. “Find anything interesting?”

“Plenty interesting. Useful is another thing altogether. What do you think of the theory that the plague is actually a curse?”

“What makes you think it’s a curse?” Julian sounded genuinely interested.

“You think it’s a corruption of the blood, right?”

“Right.”

“There are curses that make people sick. They aren’t hard to do, individually, but if not carefully controlled, they can spread like a disease. The fact that nothing we’ve tried so far tells me we’re on the wrong track, so-“

“So you’re throwing things at the wall and hoping something sticks?”

Asra glared. “Have you got a better idea?”

“I must admit that I don’t.” Julian came in to sit at his desk. “Magical corruption of the blood?”

“That’s what I’m thinking. And if I’m right, all the leeches in the world won’t help unless the curse is removed.”

“So what now?”

“I want to examine a plague beetle. A live one.”

Julian sucked in a breath. “I’m not sure I can allow that,” he said, “for your safety.”

“Want to find out if I’m impervious to the plague, like you hypothesized before?”

“Not particularly, no. If you catch it and you are you will suffer immensely, and if you’re not, well... you die. I’m not willing to take that chance. I’m sorry.”

“I still want to examine a live one. I already know they’re not of this world. If I can trace where they’re coming from-“

“I’m sorry, Asra. I can’t allow this. The risk is too great.”

“You said you let Thomas-“

“And Thomas is dead,” Julian cut him off. "I'm not taking that risk with you. I'm sorry."

Asra bit back an accusation that he was being treated like a child again. He understood Julian's hesitance, but this was something he _needed_ to do. If he discovered where the beetles were coming into the world from, then he could figure out how to stem the flow of them. That was the first step in getting the plague under control. Sure, they needed to cure it, but if people just kept contracting it, it would remain out of control for much longer. If they could prevent new cases...

But without Julian's help, he'd have to ask for Valdemar's help, and that was something he didn't want to do. Out of all of the courtiers, Valdemar actually _frightened_ him. Valerius was pompous, Volta simply wished to be left alone with her food, Vulgora was loud, Vlastomil eccentric; but Valdemar gave off an unsettling aura. Asra felt that he was a good judge of character- it had helped him survive a childhood and youth on the streets of a city that wasn't exactly safe- and he got a sense of flat-out _evil_ from Valdemar. Like they weren't even human. He didn't like that he'd judged them so harshly without even knowing them, but he trusted his intuition.

Yet if that was what he needed to do... he'd do it. Asra nodded to Julian. "I understand. I won't ask you again."

"Thank you. Now... this concept that this is a curse. If that's the case, then is there _anything_ at all that we can do medically to help it?"

"There might be a few things we could try. It would be easiest to experiment with a sample of infected blood. Can you get your hands on that?"

"I can try Lucio. He's refused attempts to examine him so far, but-"

"I can get it from him," Asra cut him off. "I just need you to keep quiet."

"I- er- alright. Let's go."

Asra led the way to Lucio's wing, putting his plan to talk to Valdemar out of his head. Regardless of what he wanted to focus on, this was supremely important as well. He knocked on the door, calling out, "Lucio! Are you awake!"

"I am now!" Lucio called back, sounding irritated. "What do you want, Asra?"

"I need your help with something for the ritual."

There was a pause. "Very well, come in."

Julian was staring at him with wide, disbeliving eyes. Asra gave him a smirk and went into the room. Lucio laid in his bed, looking even sicker than he had last time Asra saw him. He carefully swallowed back his pity to say, "We'll need your blood for the ritual. The Devil's instructed me to mix it into the wine and serve it to the guests."

Lucio stared at him. Then his eyes narrowed. "Won't that just infect everyone who drinks it?"

"Not necessarily. There needs to be preparation to make sure it doesn't. Ilya is going to help me with that. We just need to take a little bit, then we'll let you get some rest."

Lucio sighed, head sinking down into his pillow. "Fine, fine. This isn't going to hurt, is it?"

Julian stepped forward, a needle and vial hastily drawn from his waist pouch. "You should only feel a little pinch. It'll only take a moment." Lucio held out his arm and Asra watched in morbid curiosity as Julian drew the blood and pulled away. 

Asra stepped forward and pressed a hand to Lucio's arm, healing over the tiny puncture wound. "There. You shouldn't even bruise now. Rest well, Lucio."

Lucio waved impatiently at them, and they left. As soon as the door was shut, Julian rounded on Asra. "I had no idea you could lie like that," he said, eyes wide. "If I didn't know better, I'd think you were telling the truth."

“Yes, well, the Devil did tell me that I needed Lucio’s blood, just as I told him. I didn’t tell Lucio that part before because I have no intention of doing the ritual the Devil’s way.” He grimaced. “Although now I have to figure out a way to make Lucio think I put his blood in the wine.”

“That’s still a ways away. Right now, we should focus on testing this blood.”

Asra nodded. “You’re right. Let’s just go do what we planned to do.”


	22. Chapter 22

Asra got up early, going to the library before Julian would be up. He didn’t know when Valdemar arrived at the palace, or if they even would, but he had to be there when they did arrive.

He settled for looking over the results of the tests they did on Lucio’s blood. Julian was right; the plague was definitely a problem with the blood. But Asra was right, too. It was magical, a curse unlike any Asra had ever encountered before. These tests just confirmed for Asra that he needed to examine a live plague beetle.

In the meantime, he wracked his brain for a spell that would break the curse. It was so powerful, unlike anything he’d ever encountered. He knew some pretty powerful curses, and how to break them, but nothing like this. One thing was certain: whatever placed this curse wasn’t human. There were none of the hallmarks of human magic in it. He didn’t think he could break this spell. Their only hope was to stem the flow of the beetles. It meant that everyone infected would die, but if they could prevent more infections...

His ruminations were cut off by the door to the library opening, and Valdemar slipping inside. “Well well well,” they said, their grin big and toothy, eyes wide. “If it isn’t Asra. You’re up early.”

"I wanted to talk to you." Asra put down the papers he was looking at and stood.

Valdemar's head tilted to the side, their grin growing wider, unnerving. "Is that so? What can I do for you?"

"I want to examine a plague beetle. A live one. Ilya won't let me."

"Ilya? Oh, you mean doctor 069." Asra's mind went blank at that. Of course Julian would have an idenfitication number like that one. "Why wouldn't he?"

"He thinks Thomas caught the plague from doing that. He doesn't want to take that chance with me."

"I see, I see. And you think I would take that chance with you?" Just as Asra was about to launch into arguing his case, Valdemar let out a hiss of a laugh. "You're right. I don't particularly care. If you want to take your life into your own hands like that, who am I to stop you?"

Asra brightened. "Then you'll-"

"Mmhmm. But I can't have you taking reckless risks, no matter how little I personally care. We're going to have to suit you up in protective gear."

"Is there any chance you can leave my hands free?"

"Why Asra," Valdemar said mockingly, "you _do_ want to take your life into your own hands like that. Of course, you'll be allowed to reject any piece of equipment you don't want. I highly suggest you accept all of it, though."

Without another word, Valdemar went to the bookcase and pulled the books free. Asra followed them as he spoke. "The gloves make it hard for me to use my magic in the way I want to. Ilya wouldn’t let me go without them, though.”

“I really shouldn’t, either, but you’re a grown adult. You don’t need me to tell you what to do.” 

As they walked, Asra couldn’t help but feel appreciative of Valdemar’s attitude. He knew that Valdemar couldn’t give a rat’s ass about his safety, it was nice to be treated like an adult for once- something that hadn’t really happened since his suicide attempt. When it happened, he didn’t blame Julian for his attitude towards him, but it had been months, and Asra hadn’t made any moves to hurt himself. 

A little voice in the back of his head whispered that that was just because it was futile, he had no trust that this ritual would work and he was still suicidal. That Julian was right to keep an eye on him. He shut that little voice out. It was wrong. If there was no danger, then Julian didn’t need to treat him with kid gloves. It was condescending, and it wasn’t appreciated. 

“So,” Valdemar said conversationally as they crowded into the elevator. “What exactly are you hoping to do with this plague beetle you want to examine?”

“Well, I established that they’re not of this world-“

Valdemar snorted. “I could’ve told you that.”

Asra looked at them with wide eyes. “What?”

“I could’ve told you they’re not of this world. That was one of the first things I established. So what do you intend to do with this knowledge?”

For the first time, Asra felt that this might not have been a good idea. “I want to see if I can pinpoint where they’re coming in from. From there, we can figure out how to stem the flow of them into this world.”

“Interesting. I hadn’t thought of that. Well, good luck to you. We’re here.”

Valdemar stepped off of the elevator, Asra following close behind. They stopped to get Asra outfitted in protective gear, and he refused the gloves, as he said he would. Valdemar left him at the exam table on the platform and brought back a beetle, squirming in the tongs’ gentle grasp. They placed it on the table, and Asra quickly used his magic to surround it with a magical barrier to stop it from skittering away from him. 

Valdemar watched in interest as Asra watched the creature test the boundaries of its invisible prison, then stop in the middle and stand still. “Looks like it’s ready to submit,” Valdemar said, amused. 

Asra ignored them. Partly because he needed to concentrate, but mostly because he was wary of them now. He hadn’t thought them genuinely malicious- he thought his gut was reacting to how unsettling they were when he got the sense that they were evil- but now he was second-guessing that.

But he needed to focus on the beetle now. He stretched a hand over it, careful not to touch it, and probed it with his magic. As he had determined the first time, he saw that it wasn’t of this world, that it wasn’t even natural. Carefully, as to not frighten it, he surrounded it with his magic, seeking the tie that bound it to wherever it came from. He couldn’t see it clearly; he wasn’t close enough. Closer, closer...

A sharp pain in his palm snapped him out of it and he yanked his hand back, hissing. The barrier keeping the plague beetle stationary flickered and died, and skittered away. “Oh dear dear dear,” Valdemar said, tsk’ing. “You should’ve accepted the gloves. Let me see.”

Asra was too stunned to resist as Valdemar took his injured hand in theirs and examined the bite. Two points of blood welled up from his palm, and Valdemar shook their head. “You’re going to have to be quarantined. Such a shame. Now, into one of our quarantine cells you-“

The door burst open. “Valdemar!” Julian exclaimed. “Asra! What’s-“

"He’s been bitten by a plague beetle!” Valdemar exclaimed, sounding delighted. “I was just about to put him in a quarantine cell-“

“No.” Julian sounded terrified, but stood tall and faced the Quaestor down regardless. “You’re not keeping him in one of those tiny cages. I won't let you."

"What do you think you can do about it, hm?"

"I'll- I'll get the count and countess involved. _They_ won't let you keep him in one of those cages, and the countess might be quite angry that you have them to begin with."

Valdemar frowned sharply. "Who do you think you are?"

"I'm just a doctor trying to help with a plague that's killed thousands of people," Julian replied, his voice shaking with his fear, "and if Asra needs to be quarantined, he can be quarantined in his room in the palace. He doesn't have to be kept in one of your cages while you wait for him to die. Lucio won't let you do that and you _know_ it."

Valdemar glowered for several more seconds, then heaved a sigh and shrugged their shoulders, a placid smile coming back to their face. "Very well, keep him in his room. Understand this, doctor 069: regardless of where he is, _I_ am claiming his body for research when the plague kills him."

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Julian snarled, reaching for Asra. "Come on, let's go get that bite disinfected."

Julian put an arm around Asra’s shoulders and guided him out of the dungeon. Asra, in shock, let Julian take him out of the dungeon and up the elevator. “How did you know?” Asra asked weakly.

Julian glanced at him. “Your snake,” he answered, looking straight ahead again. “I don’t know what it was that concerned her, but she came and got me, led me to the library and went to the hidden passage. I figured I’d trust her to go down there, and I’m glad I did. Valdemar would’ve turned you into an experiment.”

“What are those cages used for, Ilya?” 

Asra’s voice was shaking. He wasn’t sure why. “Exactly as Valdemar implied,” Julian said. “They’re to hold experimental subjects who are dying of the plague. Usually the doctors who fall ill volunteer, feeling that fate a more useful one than going to the lazaret.”

“You experiment on _people._ ” The words were whispered. 

Julian glanced down at Asra. “How many times have we vented together that Lucio won’t let us experiment on him?”

“That’s different.”

“I beg to differ.”

They were silent until they reached Asra’s room. “You need to quarantine,” Julian said softly. “I’ll be right back with my medical kit to disinfect that bite.”

“I can heal it over,” Asra said, preparing to do so.

“I’d rather you let me disinfect it first.”

“Ilya, it’s a curse. If I’ve been infected, which I doubt, cleaning it won’t do any good.”

“A bite like that can introduce germs to the bloodstream. You may or may not contract the plague but either way, you don’t want a gangrenous hand.”

Asra heaved a sigh and nodded, and Julian disappeared out the door. Asra sat on the bed, cradling his injured hand, as Faust climbed Asra’s leg and curled up in his lap. _Asra okay?_

“I will be,” he answered with a shaky sigh. “I was more startled than hurt.”

Faust gave a wordless sense of reassurance, laying her head across his legs. He held his injured hand against his chest and stroked Faust with the other. 

Julian was back in only a moment. “I’ve sent a message to Nadia to tell her what’s happened,” he said, setting his bag on the floor and kneeling before him. “I wish you’d have listened to me. I- I don’t know what I’m going to do if I lose you too.”

“You’re not going to lose me,” Asra said evenly. “I can’t die of unnatural causes, remember? And the plague absolutely isn’t natural.”

“So what are you going to do if you end up like Lucio?” Julian demanded angrily, looking up at him. There were tears in his eyes as he glared at Asra. “If that happens you’ll be too weak to do anything at all. Is that what you wanted?”

“Obviously not.” Despite the hostility in Asra’s tone, he gave Julian the injured hand. “I was just trying to figure out how to stop the damned things.”

“Did you?”

Julian wet a rag with some kind of liquid and gingerly dabbed at the bite. Asra hissed at the sting, drawing a mumbled apology from Julian. “No,” Asra answered through clenched teeth. “And it’s not an option. I need to be touching it to get a lock on its origin, and we can see how well that worked out.”

"I can’t believe you went behind my back like this. I told you this was a bad idea.” Asra was surprised at the temper in Julian’s voice. He sounded really angry.

Despite his anger, he was so tenderly gentle, a sharp contrast to his harsh tone. He finished cleaning the bite and stood. “Do you still want to heal it over, or should I bind it?”

“I’ll heal it.” Asra covered his injured palm with his other one, focusing his magic. In seconds, the wounds sealed shut, leaving no trace that they’d been there to begin with.

Julian watched impassively, then said, “You need to stay in this room for at least three days. That’s about how long it takes for symptoms to show once you’re infected. If you’re still healthy the fourth morning, you can come out. We’ll get a servant to leave food outside your room for your meals; they’ll knock to let you know that it’s there and then leave. Just leave the tray outside your room when you’re done.”

A strange, unfamiliar fear spread in Asra’s chest. “You’re not going to really leave me here alone for three days, are you?”

“I have no choice, Asra. We can’t risk you infecting people in the palace.”

“Lucio-“

“Is waited on by me and Nadia. No one else goes near him.”

“You’ll come keep me company, won’t you?”

Julian turned away, flexing his fingers into fists and then relaxing. “We’ll see. I’ll make sure your friend Muriel knows what’s happened.”

Without another word, Julian left the room, closing the door softly behind him. Asra closed his eyes, breathing deep. Being alone wasn’t foreign to him. Nor was being locked up, although he always did his best to avoid running afoul of local laws, sometimes things happened.

But this felt different. He couldn’t help but feel like he was being punished, and he didn’t like it. Still, he knew Julian was right. They needed to make sure he was safe to be out and about. He didn’t want to chance getting someone sick. 

With nothing else to do, Asra scooted up the mattress to sit cross-legged on the bed, and closed his eyes. He’d had more than enough of the real world for one day, and he wasn’t staying there if he didn’t have to. 

In seconds, he opened his eyes to his gate, taking a deep, cleansing breath. He was positive now that he wasn’t ill; if he was, he’d sense it here, and his environment was healthy and vibrant as ever.

He wandered through his gate for what felt like several hours, seeking out new creatures, new environments. He found his way to the jungle and ducked under the fronds of the trees, into the cool clearing beneath them. He settled down at the base of a tree, getting comfortable. He closed his eyes, his mind wandering to Thomas. What he wouldn’t give to be here with Thomas, how much he missed him. Tears threatened to overwhelm him as he thought about everything that had happened.

A sudden thought occurred to him, striking like lightning. Maybe he couldn’t die, but maybe he could just... disappear. There was a black pool in his oasis, a pool that lead to the void between worlds. It would leave behind his body, but if he could obliterate his spirit... Asra rose and ducked out of the clearing again, back out to the wetlands. He strolled almost lazily through the landscape, eyes darting around the colorful pools of water.

It took quite a while, but Asra had time. This place was relaxing. He couldn’t be lonely here; it was his sanctuary. Once, when he first built his gate, he tried to stay there forever. The Magician had intervened, forcibly sending him back to discover himself on the edge of dehydrating to death. So he knew he could just stay here until he died- starvation and dehydration were natural causes, weren’t they?

But the Arcana could intrude on his oasis, and if the Magician could intrude on his gate when he was a child, they could probably do the same now that he was an adult. Besides, the servants would tell Nadia that his food was left untouched and she and Julian would certainly intrude in his room and do what they could to snap him out of his trance. That wouldn’t work.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw the black pool, and altered his course to go to it. A thin layer of ice covered it, and Asra looked down into it, swallowing hard. Julian was right; if the plague couldn’t kill him, but he was infected, he’d end up like Lucio, and that wasn’t something he was willing to go through if he could help it. He focused his magic into heat to melt the ice. Then, once a path into the water was clear, he waded in, took a deep, unnecessary breath, and dove beneath the surface.

He let himself sink into the inky depths until he couldn’t see or feel anything but the darkness. He closed his eyes, letting himself float in the dark silence, wondering how long he had to be there before the void destroyed him... if it even would. Even not knowing if it would work, Asra was determined to stay there as long as he could. Eventually someone in the physical world would interrupt him, but it was very hard to make Asra bored, even in this blank darkness. He could give the pool time to work.

He wasn’t sure how long he was submerged before he felt an insistent tugging on his being. It took only a second for him to recognize the Magician’s magic, and he resisted the pull. But he was no match for an Arcana, and he soon felt himself rushing forward, out into the sparkling beach of the Magician’s realm.

The Magician stood over him as he rolled over onto his hands and knees to push himself to his feet. “You were between realms,” the Magician said. “And you were there for a while. Why?”

Asra briefly considered lying. It would be futile; the Magician knew him too well. “I was bitten by a plague beetle,” he answered honestly. “If I’m right, and I’m infected, it won’t kill me. I’ll end up like Lucio. I really don’t want that.”

“And so you tried to erase yourself in the space between worlds.” The Magician sighed. “That wouldn’t have worked, but you may have trapped yourself there forever. I’m glad I pulled you out of there when I did.”

Asra sighed, not meeting the Magician’s gaze. “I’m so tired,” he murmured.

“I understand. Things aren’t going to be this way forever, Asra. You have a plan to bring Thomas back, one that will work. You just have to hold on long enough to see it through.”

“I don’t understand why you’re so sure this will work,” Asra said, finally looking up at him. 

“It’s Arcana business. You needn’t worry about the why, anymore. This is between us Arcana and the Devil at this point. All I need you to do is trust that I will follow through.”

Asra suppressed another sigh, nodding. “Can you at least tell me if I’m infected?”

Asra felt the Magician’s magic wash over him. A moment later, the Magician shook his head. “You are not. You needn’t worry about ending up like Lucio.”

“I’m stuck in my quarters in the palace for three days. Alone.”

The Magician smiled. “I don’t mind your company- as long as you return to the physical world to care for yourself when you need to. Solitude has never been an issue for you, and you will have company whenever you desire it. You’ll be fine, Asra.”

Asra nodded, taking a deep breath. “As you say,” he murmured. “I’ve never had a problem being alone before. I can handle a three-day quarantine.”

“Very good. It’s been several hours in the real world already. You should return and eat and drink something.”

Asra nodded again. “Alright. I’ll return once I’ve taken care of what needs to be taken care of.”

“I shall look forward to seeing you again.”

The Magician’s magic washed over him, and Asra inhaled deeply, his eyes blinking open to his room. With a sigh, he scooted off his bed and cracked his door open. The first thing he saw was Julian, hand raised to knock on the door. “Oh! Er- hello. The servant who brought you dinner told us you didn’t respond when she called for you.”

“I was in the magical realms.”

“Oh.”

Asra’s gaze slid to the floor, where a covered tray rested. “Is there something else I can help you with?” he asked coolly. 

“No, just wanted to make sure you were still alive.”

“This isn’t necessary. I spoke to the Magician and they said I wasn’t infected.”

“Valdemar won’t accept that. I’m sorry.”

Julian’s voice was stiff, remnants of his anger with Asra bleeding through. They stared at each other awkwardly, and Julian finally cleared his throat. “If you’re alright, I’ll leave you to your dinner.”

“Fine.” 

Julian turned and walked away, leaving Asra to pick up the tray and retreat back into his room. 


	23. Chapter 23

Julian didn’t come to see him again during his confinement. Someone told Muriel what had happened and he came by every day for a few minutes, sending a shock of guilt through Asra. Muriel despised being at the palace, and Asra kept doing things that caused him to be there. Muriel tried to reassure him that he was fine, unconvincingly. Asra tried to tell him to leave, that he’d be fine, and he’d come visit Muriel as soon as he was cleared to leave, but Muriel wasn’t having it. 

Nadia was his other guest, spending hours at a time with him. “Aren’t you worried about catching the plague from me?” Asra asked curiously, after the third hour she was with him.”

Nadia smiled. “I doubt you will, if Lucio hasn’t by now.”

Asra shifted uncomfortably on the bed. “Do you know why Ilya hasn’t come to see me?”

She sighed. “You hurt him. He told you he didn’t want you to experiment with live plague beetles, and you went behind his back to do it anyway. I tried explaining to him that you’re a grown adult and you don’t have to ask him for permission to do anything, but he just... wasn’t hearing me.”

Asra suppressed an angry reaction. Julian was the one being unreasonable, not Nadia. He didn’t need to take his frustrations with Julian out on her. 

But Julian didn’t even come to see him on the third day; another palace doctor came to examine him, declare him healthy and release him from quarantine. Asra considered finding Julian then, give him a piece of his mind, but no. Julian had proven to him how little he cared. He wasn’t going to waste his breath on him. And to think that Asra was afraid that Julian cared more than Asra did!

The first thing Asra did when he was given the all-clear to leave his room was to find a servant, and ask that he deliver the message to Nadia that he was going to see Muriel in the woods. 

Then he left, wondering how he was going to avoid Julian when he had to be at the palace. He didn’t want to see him ever again unless it was on his knees, begging him for forgiveness for abandoning him like that. He’d fought hard to get Asra to let him in, but the moment something went wrong, Julian was nowhere to be found, and Asra felt betrayed. 

Asra still hadn’t figured it out by the time he got to the hut and knocked firmly. The door swung open almost immediately. “You don’t have to knock,” Muriel said, looking down on him. 

“I don’t live here anymore. Can I come in?”

Muriel grunted and moved out of the doorway; Asra entered and closed the door behind him. “Are you okay?” Muriel asked, sitting on the bed. 

Asra started pacing the room. “Ilya didn’t come to see me once during my quarantine,” he said. “I’m done with him.”

Muriel grunted, crossing his arms over his chest. “I don’t want to say I told you so.”

“Why not? You did.”

“He hurt you. I’m not going to rub that in.” He paused. “But you can’t shut him out forever. Especially if you’re still doing this ritual.”

“I’m still doing this ritual,” Asra said firmly. “Once I have Thomas back, we’re leaving Vesuvia. He has to see reason now. You can come too, if you want to. I want you too.”

“You’re still assuming that he’ll agree with you? Isn’t that what caused your breakup in the first place?”

“We weren’t broken up.”

Muriel pinched the bridge of his nose. “Asra, he was with the doctor. You told me that yourself. He wouldn’t cheat. He thought you were broken up. That’s what counts. You don’t even know if he’ll want to be with you when you bring him back.”

“If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. That doesn’t change the fact that staying in Vesuvia got him killed. Whether we’re lovers or not, he’ll see that it’s foolish to stay. He’s only going to have one chance at this. If he stays and gets killed again, that’s it. There won’t be a ritual to save him this time.”

Muriel regarded Asra, his expression blank. Asra couldn’t read him at all, he had no idea what Muriel thought of his argument. Finally, Muriel nodded, closing his eyes. “If you’re leaving again... I’ll come with you.”

Asra let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Thank you, Muriel.”

“Don’t. I think we both know that Thomas will refuse you.”

Asra was quiet at that. “I have to believe that he won’t,” he said finally. “If he won’t leave with me, then all of this will be for nothing.”

“No. This gives him a second chance. No matter how he chooses to use that chance, it means something. He is his own person, Asra. You can’t force your will on him.”

“I- I know that.” He exhaled again. “I think... if he refuses to leave, I- I need to cut contact with him. I can’t go through this again.”

It sounded like it pained Muriel to say it, but he said, “I don’t think you should do that, either. Broken up or not, he loved you. What would it say about you to bring him back from the dead, then abandon him?”

Asra frowned. “It’s not abandonment.”

“Isn’t it?” He sighed. “Stop... stop trying to tell the future. You’re a fortune-teller, not a farseer. You don’t know how he’ll react to any of this. Get him back, then worry about your next step.”

“Right. First things first.” Asra sighed. “The Masquerade is in a few weeks. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to be around Ilya either.”

“You can stay here. You can _always_ stay here.”

Asra smiled at him. “Thank you, Muriel. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Muriel snorted. “You do fine without me. Do you want to go get dinner from the city, or do you want to hunt with me?”

Asra’s grin got bigger. “I think I’ll hunt with you. Or we could go fishing, just like old times.”

Muriel smiled back, very slightly, but there was something bitter in it. “Yes. Like old times. Let’s go. I’m hungry.”

* * *

As the Masquerade drew closer, Asra grew more and more restless. More and more nervous. There were so many ways this could go wrong. For one, he doubted Julian would participate anymore. Julian went out of his way to avoid Asra. Asra didn’t mind- he avoided Julian too- but he knew he was already walking on thin ice when it came to fooling Lucio. If Lucio thought that Asra hadn’t tried his best to get all the people necessary, there was no telling what Lucio would do. Alienating one of the necessary participants wasn’t gathering everyone he needed.

He just had to hope Julian showed.

Finally, the day of the Masquerade came. Asra dressed in his costume, trying to still his shaking hands. This was it. This was his make-or-break moment. All he could do was pray that he’d made it.

* * *

Asra closed the door to the shop, locking and warding it behind him. He took off his mask with shaking hands, his heart beating a frantic rhythm in his chest. As far as Asra knew, Lucio just thought that the ritual failed because he lacked all of the people required. He left as soon as Lucio dismissed him, heading immediately for the shop. The Magician said that Thomas would be there, but that something had gone wrong. They didn’t know exactly what that was, only that the process didn’t go as planned. Asra had no idea what he was walking in on.

But it didn’t matter. Thomas was here, and needed him. Very softly, Asra ascended the stairs. Regardless of the state Thomas was in, he was probably disoriented, probably frightened of his last memory was of dying in the lazaret.

He came to the top of the stairs and saw Thomas lying in the bed, naked, still. Asra approached carefully, gently. “Thomas?” he murmured, sitting on the edge of the bed and putting a hand on Thomas’s arm. “Can you hear me?”

Thomas stirred, eyes sliding open and staring into Asra’s. Asra smiled, exhausted and exhilarated and relieved all at once. He brought Thomas’s hand to his lips, pressing feather-light kisses to his knuckles. 

Thomas looked up at him blankly, silent. Asra sat with him, waiting for him to speak, waiting for words that weren’t coming. “You don’t know me, do you?” Asra whispered, his eyes tearing. 

Thomas looked on at him, not answering. Asra reached out to him with his magic, and sensed what he’d already deduced: Thomas had no idea who Asra was. But even more alarming, Thomas didn’t know who _he_ was. Asra felt his heart break, what was left of it; so this was what the Magician meant when he said something had gone wrong. Amnesia. And Thomas didn’t seem capable of communicating, either. 

He had to ask someone for advice. He got the feeling Muriel wouldn’t respond well to this; he was sure the “I told you so” he’d expected from his relationship with Julian was right around the corner with this. He wasn’t ready to face that, didn’t think he’d ever be ready to face that.

That left Nadia. If he was honest with himself, he expected a scolding from her, too, but at least it would be more tactfully delivered. But right now, Thomas needed him. Thomas needed him, and he was making an awful lot of assumptions. “Do you know who I am?” Asra asked gently, struggling to hold it together. Thomas just continued to stare at him. “I’m going to take that as a no,” he murmured. “How about yourself? Do you know who you are?”

At that, Thomas drew back slightly, and let out a little Ah sound. Asra sighed heavily, putting Thomas’s hand down. “Your name is Thomas,” he said, “and I’m Asra. And we’re going to get through this together.”

Faust appeared at his shoulder, tongue flicking. _Friend?_

At the sight of the snake, Thomas let out another noise, this one frightened. “It’s okay!” Asra exclaimed, picking up his hand again. “It’s okay, it’s okay. This is a friend. Her name is Faust. She’s my familiar. She won’t hurt you.”

 _What wrong with friend?_ Faust asked, sounding horribly worried.

“I don’t know,” Asra replied softly. “I’m going to go up to the palace to talk to Nadia tomorrow. Will you keep an eye on him when I go?”

_Yes!_

“Thank you.” Asra sighed again, shaking his head, gazing worriedly at Thomas. "I am so tired,” he whispered, dropping his head into his hands as he shook it slowly. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. After all that, he lost Thomas after all. He was still gone.

He looked up sharply at the feeling of fingers on his wrist. Thomas was reaching for him, eyes teary again. He could almost hear Thomas saying, _Don’t cry. It’s alright._ Asra put his free hand over Thomas’s and patted it. “I’m just so happy you’re back. You look like you need sleep. I’ll be right across the room if you need me. Just yell.”

With that, he disengaged from him, pulled the covers over him, and wandered to the plush chair on the other side of the room. He wasn't looking forward to sleeping in that thing, but Julian had done so several times while Asra recovered from Thomas's death. He didn't know how long he'd have to sleep there, but he was willing to do it for however long Thomas needed to get comfortable with him again. That was the most important thing. He couldn't sleep in the same bed as Thomas when Thomas was uneasy around him. He wouldn't inflict that on him. With a sigh, he dropped into the chair and curled his legs underneath him. It was warm; he didn't need a blanket. He wasn't sure he'd be able to sleep, anyway. 

Thomas seemed to have gone to sleep already; Asra reached out with his magic to confirm that, then searched deeper, investigating Thomas's health. He was weak, but Asra was expecting that. Other than that, he seemed to be in perfect health. Asra bit his lip, thinking. The plague was still an issue, but Asra knew he wouldn't bring it into the shop. As long as he kept Thomas in the shop, upstairs, everything would be fine, until they managed to solve the plague. He felt bad, isolating Thomas like this, but it was what needed to be done, and Asra didn't think Thomas would be very eager to leave anytime soon. It had been months since he'd seen Thomas- nearly a year at this point- but Asra remembered Thomas having more to him. He was so thin now... 

The next thing Asra knew, sunlight was streaming in from the window. He blinked sleep away from his eyes, stretching and yawning. He rose silently and went over to the bed; Thomas slept on. He needed to go to the palace, but he didn't want Thomas to wake up alone. Faust would be with him, but... 

As he mulled over the problem, he stripped out of his masquerade costume and dressed in his usual clothes. Thomas didn't stir the whole time, thankfully. It was bad enough that Thomas was naked, in a strange-to-him place with someone he didn't know. He wasn't a particularly modest person but he didn't want Thomas waking to see _him_ naked and possibly freak out about it. That done, he went to the kitchen to put together a breakfast for himself and for Thomas. He didn't know how well Thomas would handle food right now; plain scrambled eggs and toast would give Asra a baseline for what Thomas could eat. He ate in silence, his mind turning. He couldn't take Thomas out of Vesuvia in the condition he was in, no matter how much he wanted to take him and flee. But he also didn't want to isolate Thomas the way he was planning. The sooner Thomas got back to a normal life, the better... but would his life ever be "normal" again?

Thomas was still asleep by the time he finished his breakfast, so he carried Thomas's plate over to the bed and left it on the nightstand on Thomas's side of the bed. "Faust?" he called out softly, his voice barely above a whisper.

 _Here,_ Faust replied, and Asra looked around the room until he saw her poking her head out from the blankets.

He smiled at that. "Watch Thomas for me until I come back. Let me know if I need to return sooner."

 _Yes!_ And then she nestled down in the blanket again, tongue flicking. Asra smiled, confident that Faust would take care of him, and headed down the stairs and out the door.

He locked and warded the door behind him, then started walking. The city was still asleep, having partied well into the small hours of the night, and Asra breathed in the morning air deeply as he walked. He hoped there would be carriages in the town square; he didn't feel like walking the whole way to the palace, no matter how much good the exercise would do him, to work out his anxiety and stress over the situation. 

Sure enough, there was one lonely carriage operational that morning. "You're up early," the carriage driver observed as Asra climbed aboard. "Where're you heading?"

"The palace," Asra answered with a tired smile. "And I'm only up early because I have pressing business. Believe me, if I could've slept in, I would have."

The driver chuckled, setting his horse to walking. "You look young enough that I'd have assumed the most pressing business you have would be the party tonight."

Asra gave him a thin smile, and said nothing. The carriage driver tried to make conversation, but Asra was too wrapped up in his worries about what was going on to reply with much more than indifferent noises. Finally, they arrived at the palace, and as Asra tipped the driver, he said, "Well, I sure do hope your business concludes to your satisfaction and you can enjoy the party tonight."

"Thanks. Take care." Asra walked away, heading up to the gate. He had no intention of partying tonight.

The guards recognized him, but much to his surprise, stopped him. "Magician Asra," one said. "We were given instructions to question you, should you return."

"Question me?" Asra asked, eyes widening. "About what? What's happened?"

The guards looked at each other with raised eyebrows. "I told him that this would be a waste of time," the other one said.

"Our orders remain. We have to-"

"What's this about?" Asra interjected, looking from one of them to the other.

The guard who addressed him first took a deep breath. "Count Lucio was murdered last night." Asra drew in a sharp breath, his eyes narrowing, but let the guard continue. "Doctor Devorak was apprehended and confessed to it, but fled custody. Our questions are two-fold: Did you know of Doctor Devorak's plans, and have you seen him since last night?"

"No, and no," Asra said, trying not to laugh incredulously. "He and I haven't spoken for _weeks_. And I really think you have the wrong person, besides. Ilya wouldn't raise a hand to hurt _anyone_."

"He confessed," the guard repeated uncomfortably. "You're sure you haven't seen him? He didn't come to you when he escaped?"

"If he tried, I was unaware of it. I left the palace shortly after midnight and went right to bed. If he _did_ come to me, I didn't hear him and I didn't see him anywhere around my shop."

The guards looked at each other again. "If you do see him, notify your local guard station. Don't approach him. He's dangerous."

 _No, he's not_. Asra bit back the urge to defend him. If Julian had confessed to murdering the count, then his protests would fall on deaf ears. Julian was on his own, unfortunately. Asra had more pressing matters to deal with, like getting advice from Nadia. "If that's all... may I enter? I wish to speak with the countess. I have business with her, and I might be able to offer some comfort as well-"

"I'm sorry, Asra," said the second guard, "but no one may see the countess right now."

"She wishes to be alone?"

"She's unconscious."

Asra looked at him blankly. "What do you mean, unconscious?"

"Bludmila!" the first guard hissed.

"He's her friend, Ludovico," she replied in a low voice. "He deserves to know."

"Deserves to know _what_?" Asra struggled to control his growing panic. "What's happened to her?"

"We don't know," Ludovico answered morosely. "When guards arrived in her rooms to guard her and let her know what had happened to Lucio, she was found unconscious. No one's been able to wake her."

"None of this makes any sense," Asra said, gaze flicking between them. "She was fine when I left last night!"

"Ludovico," Bludmila said in a low voice, "didn't one of the doctors who came to see her say that she was in a magical sleep? He's a magician. He might be able to wake her up.”

Hope flashed across Ludovico’s face. “You’re right,” he murmured. “Well? Will you go see what you can do for her?”

“Absolutely. She’s my friend,” Asra answered immediately. They moved aside for him to enter, and he strode purposefully through the gate and across the bridge. He didn’t know what he could do for her, but he’d try.


	24. Chapter 24

Asra returned to the shop, leaning heavily against the door as he closed it, and put his hands to his face, fighting back tears. The coma Nadia was in was, in fact, magical, but there was nothing he could do for her. He didn’t know when- or even if- she would wake. The thought to take refuge in Julian’s arms- if only for a night- came and went. Julian was a fugitive now. He probably wasn’t even in Vesuvia anymore. There was someone else, at the edge of his memory, but he couldn’t call the figure to the front of his mind. He couldn’t even summon a name, not even a face. 

He had Thomas back... but at such a cost. He had Thomas back, but he’d lost everything else, and he didn’t know if he was strong enough to do this on his own. He put his hands to his face, a little sob escaping him. Then he hurriedly brushed away his tears and swallowed them back. It didn’t matter if he was strong enough to do this on his own. He had to. Thomas was back, and needed him. Thomas hadn’t asked for any of this.

With a deep breath, he ascended the stairs. It was nighttime; he’d spent all day at the palace, trying to wake Nadia. He could only imagine the state Thomas was in, but Faust never summoned him. He had to believe that all was well with him.

Faust saw him come up the stairs and slid from the bed onto the floor, rushing to him. Asra bent and let her wind her way up his arm. _Asra home!_

“Yes. How is he?”

_Sleeping._

“Did he eat?”

_Tried, but couldn’t._

“He couldn’t? Why not?”

An image flooded Asra’s mind, of Thomas attempting to maneuver the fork and failing. Frustration flickered on his face, and then he sighed, put the fork down, and went back to sleep. Asra shook his head, feeling sorry for Thomas. “At least I wasn’t here to witness that,” he murmured. “I can’t imagine how embarrassing that must’ve been, but he must be so hungry now... think I should wake him?

Faust gave an affirmative, and Asra sat on the edge of the bed, shaking Thomas’s shoulder. “Hey... sorry for waking you, but you need to eat something.”

Thomas’s eyes blinked open and he looked up at him blearily, blankly. Asra could see recognition dawn in his eyes, and he made an unhappy noise. Asra took a guess at what was upsetting him. “I’m sorry for being gone all day. I wasn’t planning on it, but something pressing kept me away. I’m here now. I won’t leave you alone for so long again. I promise.” Thomas closed his eyes, exhaling, and Asra lifted his shoulders off the mattress. "Come on, you need to eat something.”

Thomas sat up willingly, leaning heavily on Asra's arm and shoulder as he did so. Asra settled him against the headboard and cupped his hands over the eggs and toast, using magic to warm them. Thomas watched curiously until Asra picked up the fork and speared some egg on it, holding it up to Thomas's lips. Thomas gave him a weird look, but opened his mouth and let himself be fed. 

He got through about half of the meal before refusing more. "Full, huh?" Asra said softly. "That's alright. It's better than nothing. Let me just clean up and I'll join you again."

Asra got up and brought the plate and fork to the kitchenette, throwing away the leftover egg and toast and setting the plate in the sink. As he ran hot water over the plate, the sound of knocking on the shop door caught his attention. "Who could that be at this time of night?" he mused, wiping his hands on a towel. "I'll be right back," he said to Thomas, and went down the stairs. He peeked out of the window in the door; a giant man, dressed in furs and chains, stood outside, shaggy black hair hiding his face. Asra blinked in surprise. Who was this? Asra didn’t sense any danger from him, and so he opened the door. “Can I help you?”

A flicker of pain crossed the big man’s face. “It worked,” he murmured, “but I didn’t mean for it to work on you...”

Asra blinked. “I’m- I’m not sure what you’re talking about. Do I know you?”

The man sighed and reached under his cloak to produce a small charm, a tiny satchel. The smell of myrrh was almost overpowering as the man thrust it at Asra. “Take it,” he said, as Asra scrambled to get a hold on it.

The moment his fingers closed over it, though, a sense of recognition swept over him, and he gasped sharply. “Muriel!” he exclaimed. “Why- why didn’t I recognize you?”

“My deal with the Hermit,” Muriel replied, closing his eyes. “I asked that he make it so that people don’t remember me.”

“That’s- that’s-“

“That’s exactly what I wanted.” Muriel opened his eyes to look at Asra. “He insisted I have a way to make sure people remember me. That charm is it. As long as it’s on you, you’ll remember me.”

Asra clutched at the charm like it was a life preserver. "Thank you, he murmured. “I- I had the sense that I’d forgotten someone important to me, but I thought it was just the fact that I’m alone now.”

Muriel gave him a curious look. “Did your deal not work?”

“No, it did. He’s just... too weak to move. And he can’t talk.” He sighed heavily. “And he doesn’t remember me, or even himself.”

Something like pity crossed Muriel’s features, but it was quick enough that Asra wasn’t sure he’d seen it. "What about the countess?" Muriel asked. 

Asra sighed. "Something _really_ went wrong last night. Nadia's in a magical coma, and Ilya's accused of murdering Lucio. He's a fugitive now. They asked me if he came to me. He didn't. I don't know what to think."

"He didn't do it."

Asra blinked. "What? How do you know?"

"I didn't leave right away," Muriel answered, looking away. "The doctor was locked in his office. I went to free him and took him to Lucio's room. The room was already on fire when we got there. He ran in. To try to help, I guess. I left then." He grimaced. "I think I'm glad he got away. If they're accusing him of doing it..."

Asra let out a puff of breath. "I'm glad he got away, too," he said softly. "And I'm glad I have this charm. I don't want to forget you."

Muriel's face flushed. "Do you need help?"

"Not at the moment, but I might in the future." He gave a flustered laugh. "I know I said we'd leave Vesuvia when Thomas was back but I can't move him. He's not even strong enough to hold a fork."

"You can still keep him safe. You didn't get the plague when you were bitten. I don't think you _can_ get the plague. Keep him away from the public, and he should be fine."

"That's my plan," Asra replied. "I'm... not sure he should be seen right now, anyway. The last thing our neighbors knew of him, he was being sent to the lazaret. No one comes back from the lazaret, and I don't want to try to explain what I did. When he's strong enough to handle himself, maybe, but until then..."

"I agree with you." Muriel's gaze turned towards the starry sky. "It's getting late. I should go home. Don't lose that charm."

"I won't. Believe me, I won't." Asra put a hand on Muriel's arm. "Take care, alright?"

"You too." With that, Muriel turned and lumbered away. Asra watched him go, then went back into the shop and locked and warded the door again. He didn't think anyone else would be by, but just in case, he double-checked that the lantern was out and the sign was flipped to read "Closed," then headed back up the stairs.

* * *

_Several years later..._

Julian jumped as the door to his clinic banged open, and he was on his feet and rushing to the newcomers before his mind registered who was limping into his clinic. Asra leaned heavily against Thomas, hand pressed to his side, pure agony on his face. "We need help!" Thomas cried, as Julian came to them.

"What's wrong?" Julian asked, sliding right into doctor mode.

"We don't know," Thomas said, panic just below the surface. "It started last night, just a little pain. We thought he pulled a muscle. He's throwing up and he can barely stand now from the pain."

Julian's eyes wandered to where Asra was pressing his hand to his abdomen. "Let go," Julian said, gentle but urgent. "I need to test something." 

With a deep breath, Asra obeyed, pulling his hand away from his side. Julian pressed into his abdomen, keeping his eyes on Asra's face. "Worse? Better? No change?"

"No change," Asra replied in a tight, pain-filled voice.

Julian nodded, then abruptly pulled his hand away. Asra screamed, nearly falling to the floor, the only thing keeping him upright was Thomas's arms around him. "One of his organs has gone bad," Julian said, slinging Asra's other arm and slinging it over his shoulder. "How good are you at putting people to sleep, Thomas?"

As Julian guided them into the back room and helped Asra onto the table, Thomas said in a shaking voice, "I can do it. Why?"

"I need you to put him in as deep a sleep as you can, and then I need you to go back out to the front. I need to remove the bad organ, to do that I need to cut him open."

Thomas paled, but Asra managed to gasp, "It's alright, I trust him. Just do it. Hurry."

Julian's heart constricted at the amount of pain that was apparent on Asra's face, how desperate he was to be put under to escape it. "I love you," Thomas said, putting his hands on Asra's face and focusing. In seconds, Asra's eyes slid shut and his breathing eased. Thomas kissed him, then backed away. "He's as deeply asleep as I can get him," Thomas said. 

"Hopefully he'll be out until I'm finished," Julian said. "Please go wait for me in the lobby. This might take a while."

"A-alright..."

Julian focused on the task at hand. The operation Asra needed wasn't a complex one, but more and more he wished that he had a more sterile enviornment to do this. It wasn't every day one of his best friends came to him needing life-saving surgery, but he was sure that no matter how little it happened, he would never be as freaked out as he was in that moment. Calm, calm, calm... steady hands. Asra was deep, deep asleep. He couldn't feel the blade cutting into him, couldn't feel Julian searching for the offending appendix. This was routine; everything would be fine.

An hour later, Julian pulled off bloody gloves and went back into the lobby. Much to his surprise, Asra's parents were there as well as Thomas. "Oh. Hello," Julian said, looking from one of them to the other. "This is a surprise."

"Faust was able to communicate to his parents' familiars that he was in trouble," Thomas explained, rising to his feet. "How is he?"

"I got the appendix out in time, but it was a very close call. If you'd waited even fifteen minutes longer, I don't think I'd have been able to save him."

"Can we see him?" Aisha asked, coming to stand at Thomas's shoulder, Salim following suit.

"Yes. I don't know how much longer he'll sleep, but he's out of danger. I could use help getting him into a bed, actually."

"I think we can manage that," Salim said, and the three of them followed Julian into the back.

Much to Thomas's surprise, Asra was awake, looking around dully. An exhausted smile cracked through Asra's confusion as he laid eyes on Thomas. "You're a sight for sore eyes," he murmured, as Thomas went to him. "I don't remember much after leaving the shop."

"Julian needed to operate on you," Thomas answered. 

"Oh, is that why I feel like someone's been digging around in my guts?" Asra sighed and looked to Julian. "I assume that it went well if I'm awake."

"It went well. Just barely, but it did," Julian said with a smile. "Your family is going to help me move you to a bed. I want you here overnight so I can keep an eye on you. It was closer than I’m comfortable with.”

Using magic, the three magicians lifted Asra off the table and carried him gingerly to one of the boys at the back of the room. Thomas settles into a chair at the side of the bed, looking up at Aisha and Salim. “I’ll stay with him. I’m sure Faust will summon you again if anything changes.”

“If you’re sure, dear,” Aisha said hesitantly. Thomas nodded, and Aisha bent to kiss Asra on the forehead. “We love you, Asra.”

“Love you too, Mom.” Salim reaches down to rub Asra’s chest affectionately, and the two of them took their leave of them.

Julian knelt by the bedside. “How’re you feeling?”

Asra swallowed thickly. “It still hurts, but not as much.”

“It’s going to hurt. I cut into you pretty deep. Thomas, can you, uh, heal the incision?”

Thomas shook his head. “If you went into his body, it’s too deep for me to heal it. I can try to ease the pain a bit, though.”

“That’s more than I can do for him.”

Nodding, Thomas stretched out a hand over the thick bandage covering Asra’s abdomen, and let his magic flow into him. As he did so, a strange feeling overtook him, strange and oddly familiar. It took a second for Thomas to understand what was happening; Thomas was seeing one of Asra’s memories, like he had at the Masquerade last year.

_There was a feeling of desperation, a deep, deep desire to end the pain his was in. Thomas watched helplessly as he pushed off from the bed, all but running down the stairs. He came to the bottom and went behind the shop’s counter, sifting through the bottles of their poisonous goods, until he found one of their most deadly: nightshade berries. Gripping the bottle in a shaking hand, he locked the cabinet again and went back up the stairs..._

The memory ended in a gasp, and Thomas looked at Asra with wide eyes. "You didn’t,” he gasped, breathless with the force of the memory.

“Didn’t, uh, didn’t what?” Julian asked, as his gaze slid from Asra to Thomas and back.

Asra looked supremely uncomfortable. "Sometimes we share my memories because of... the cost I paid to bring them back," Asra said softly. "The fact that I was in danger made me think about the deal protecting my life- that must've triggered that memory."

"What deal protecting your life?" Thomas asked, sounding bewildered.

He sighed. "Someone- I suspect it was my parents now- made a deal with the Devil to prevent harm to me. When I... lost you... I was in so much pain. I just wanted the pain to stop."

Julian seemed to understand the memory now. He shifted uncomfortably as Thomas drew back, a look of concern mixed with horror on his face. "If it's any consolation," Julian said, "he never tried again after that attempt."

"I didn't. And I haven't felt that low since then." Asra reached out to Thomas, a pleading look on his face. 

Thomas bent to his touch, kissing his palm. "I want you to promise me that you'll never do that again," he said softly, sounding like he was near tears. "Especially now that you don't have that deal to protect you. No matter what may happen, please- please-"

"I promise," Asra whispered, taking Thomas's hand. "I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I'm- I'm glad I did. And I'm so glad you don't feel that way anymore, Asra." He lifted Asra's hand to his lips again, and then set it down. "I didn't manage to cast the pain killing spell. Let me do that."

"Right." Asra breathed deep, closing his eyes as Thomas extended his magic over Asra again. He felt the pain, an intense ache where Julian cut into him, and carefully blanketed it with soothing coolness. 

By the time he was done, Thomas sensed that Asra was asleep, and ran the back of his hand down the side of his cheek. "Now I'm worried about him," he murmured.

Julian shook his head. "You needn't be. He was in a dark place when he did that. He's much stronger now than he was back then."

"I know, but... what if something happens to me? That's what spurred him to do that to begin with. I-"

"I don't know his heart," Julian cut him off softly, "but when I say he's stronger, I mean it. He's no longer the impulsive, co-dependent person he was back then. He's come a long way. And nothing's going to happen to you, anyway, so don't worry about it, alright? That was years ago. He's different now."

Thomas nodded. "I'll... I'll try not to let it worry me."

"Good." Julian gestured at the bed next to Asra's. "It's late. You should probably get some sleep. You can push the cot against his if you want to. Don't worry, I'll stay awake and make sure everything is fine."

"What about you? Aren't you tired?"

Julian chuckled. "I'm used to all-nighters, and I'm used to pulling all-nighters for _him_. I'll be fine. You just get some rest."

Thomas nodded, and moved the chair out of the way to push the cots together. That done, he laid down, one hand holding Asra's, and closed his eyes. Julian watched them fondly for a moment before settling in the chair to keep watch for the night. "Some things never change," he murmured, glancing at the clock. Just past midnight. It was going to be a long night.

But he was up for it. He always would be.


End file.
